I actually have had a lot of anxiety over the last couple of months. IUI has changed from 'a check on the checklist before IVF/Adoption' to 'a very good option that will probably work on the first try this time'. Which, crazy as it sounds; is actually terrifying. All the sudden we could be pregnant very soon. With not as many medical interventions as we thought! This is a very real possibility! All of the sudden us having children in the near future is not just a dream or a wish, it is a very real possibility. And that actually terrifies me. That is a huge responsibility, and the choices we make will affect these miniature people for the rest of their lives. Talk about pressure!
In the last year or so our parenting methods have changed quite a bit as we have actually researched into what is good and bad about popular parenting styles. We have changed our views on a few things, and I'll list them with corresponding backup information so you can also research for yourself. :)
1- We will not circumcise our sons. Beyond the fact that every major medical organization in the world has said there is no benefit to it whatsoever; the idea of cutting my baby's perfectly functioning body part off without his consent makes me ill. Especially when there is no negative repercussions of leaving the decision up to him when he is old enough to make it.
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/pregnancy-childbirth/whether-or-not-circumcise
2- We will use discipline rather than punishment. For example, we will not hit(or spank, whatever you are comfortable with) our children to make them 'behave' or do what we want to do. I have never struck another human being in my life, and I don't plan on starting with my children. The last thing I want my children to learn from me is that they will do what I tell them or I will hit them until they do. We cannot hit other adults, other people's children, or even our animals. If we do that is considered abuse. Yet it is okay to do so to our children? Color me confused.
http://articles.cnn.com/2009-09-16/health/spanking.children.parenting_1_spanked-new-study-author-and-research-scientist?_s=PM:HEALTH
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/06/26/health/main513469.shtml
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/spanking/10-reasons-not-hit-your-child
3-We are going to use child-led weaning, as well as exclusively breastfeed. Which means that there will absolutely be no formula given, even if that means we have to feed them donated breast milk. It also means that the child will decide when they want to wean, if they still want to breastfeed at 3/4 years old so be it.
http://boobiefed.com/benefits-of-extended-breastfeeding/
http://www.parenting.com/article/ask-dr-sears-extended-breastfeeding----handling-the-criticism
4- We plan on giving our children limited vaccines (currently we are only planning on giving them vaccines for diseases that would kill them if they contracted it) and on a delayed schedule.
http://guggiedaly.blogspot.com/
5- We are going to co-sleep. Which means we plan to have our babies sleep right next to our bed in a cosleeper (which is pretty much a crib with one of the sides taken out and the 'open' side facing our bed), and have them sleep in our room either in a crib or toddler bed until they are at least 2 years old. It grossly reduces the risk of SIDS, and I just don't feel comfortable having a newborn baby go from hearing my heartbeat and breathing, and being comforted by my body; to sleeping in another room where if they wake they can't hear, see, or smell me.
http://www.breastfeeding.com/reading_room/co_slepping.html
http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/tami_breazeale.html
6- We are going to baby-wear our children until they are toddlers. It gives them the comfort of being held, while mommy and daddy can be hands-free! Babies being worn in an upright position don't need tummy-time, and they also have been shown to avoid a whole slew of anxiety disorders, including having separation anxiety.
http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/laura_simeon.html
http://babywearinginternational.org/articles.php?article=1
http://www.sleepywrap.com/
7-We more likely than not will home school. When the hubby and I were first married I was expressing to my mother in law my disappointment in the public school system, and the cost of a private school. She matter of factly said, "So just home school." I told her in a nice way that she was out of her mind. ;) Since doing research, I have changed my mind. We will of course take special care to make sure our children are socialized as we believe that is very important; but I don't think we need to sacrifice the quality of their education for it.
http://www.sonlight.com/before-you-start-homeschooling.html
http://www.pahomeschool.com/benefits.html
8-We are going to keep our children in rear-facing car seats for as long as possible, at least until they are 4 or so. And yes, we plan on spending the extra money to get a carseat that accommodates rear-facing toddlers.
http://www.cpsafety.com/articles/StayRearFacing.aspx
9-We will not be using 'Snugli' or "Johnny Jump Up' type products on our child, commonly referred to as 'crotch danglers'. This is where the baby/child dangles by their crotch instead of their knees being at the level of their pelvis. Carrying a child in a crotch dangler causes hip problems; greatly increased chances of scoliosis, bow-legged/knock-kneed as they get older, etc. It is not healthy for their bone structure in any way, shape, or form. Pediatricians and Chiropractors have come out and said these kinds of baby carriers are harmful.
http://www.continuum-concept.org/reading/spinalStress.html
http://themominformed.blogspot.com/2011/08/slings-wraps-carriers-and-crotch.html
10- We plan to give birth to our babies at home.
http://susana-s.hubpages.com/hub/giving-birth-at-home
http://www.firsttimepregnancy.com/243.html
.....in water
http://pregnancy.more4kids.info/113/benefits-of-a-water-birth/
11-In the rare event that something unforeseen happens and we absolutely have to give birth in a hospital, I will be doing so without medication or interventions of any kind.
http://www.naturalbirthandbabycare.com/birth-interventions.html
www.givingbirthnaturally.com/
12-We will not be using the "Cry it Out" method, which involves a baby crying itself to sleep/back to sleep. It has been linked to lower IQ's and higher rates of anxiety disorders and depression. If I, as an adult; were not able to care for myself and depended on my spouse (or anyone, for that matter) to care for my basic needs, and my caregiver left me alone all night long despite my calling for help, there would be serious retribution. People would freak out, police would be called, etc. We are going to respect our babies' needs enough to go to them when they call for us. Even if it is just to be held. I know sometimes I just need to be held. :)
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/07/05/no-cry-it-out/
http://drbenkim.com/articles-attachment-parenting.html
I think that's about it. The short version? Our methods of planned parenting and birth have changed 100% from when we were first planning to have children. It's amazing what research can do. ;)
When I first was educating myself about all of this my head was almost spinning. Everything I thought I knew about pregnancy; childbirth, prenatal care, postnatal care, breastfeeding, child discipline, and many other things.....were very wrong. There was hard data that proved they were very wrong. Why didn't more people know about this? Why weren't women being truly educated before making a decision about childbirth or breastfeeding? Why wasn't this common knowledge?? I felt such gratitude that I had come across this information before I had children, so that I could do it right the first time rather than have regrets later. I also felt horrible that had I not come across this information, I would have done so many things wrong! (As a sidenote; every parent will do something 'wrong' there is no one perfect way to birth or raise a child, but there most certainly are things that can be avoided, and hopefully the mistakes we make as parents will not be as bad now that we are truly educated and informed)
I started volunteering information whenever the subject came up. An acquaintance of mine expressed frustration her baby was not taking to rice cereal; I explained that unless he was severely underweight, he didn't actually need it, it was just fine to make the transition from breastmilk to babyfood and skip rice cereal altogether. She dismissed me completely.
A friend was expressing frustration that her young child was being overly aggressive. I suggested she stop spanking him and see if that helped. I also explained my sources for my information that spanking increases aggression in children, especially boys. She snapped at me refused to speak to me afterwards.
Another friend was expressing frustration that her baby girl cried all of the time and was always wanting to be held. I explained baby-wearing and how contrary to popular belief, it didn't make babies co-dependent and babies that were worn cried hours less a day that babies who were not. She brushed me off and said I had no idea what I was talking about.
A friend of the hubby's was talking about how she was frustrated with her baby insisting on controlling the mother's sleep schedule, so she was going to just let her cry in her crib until she went to sleep. I explained that the 'Cry It Out' method has been directly linked to lower IQ's and higher rates of anxiety and depression in older children and teenagers; and that the baby doesn't stop crying because they understand the lesson, they stop crying because they give up, they have learned that their mother is not going to come tend to their needs when they communicate the only way they know how. I have never seen someone get so hostile so fast in my life. She exploded on me, saying that until we had a baby I had no business telling a mother anything; and that we weren't getting children because we didn't deserve them. :'(
I could go on, but I'm sure you get the idea. What did all these situations have in common? Every one of these people said I had no idea what I was talking about because I didn't have children. Even after I showed scientific data proved by top Pediatricians and top Child Psychologists. It didn't mean anything. I explained that even if I had 100 children, it wouldn't change the facts. That didn't matter either. If I had a quarter for every time someone told me that research meant nothing, or that I should keep my mouth shut because facts proven by professionals mean nothing when compared to actual experience; I could have purchased myself 10 babies.
I asked them if their pediatrician has children; if their gynecologist and obstetrician was a woman who had birthed children, if their children's teachers/principals/guidance counselors had children. After all, these are all people who tell you what to do; who tell you what your children need and what you need to do for them, right? With their logic, it only makes sense that anyone giving them any worthwhile information must also have personal experience in the matter. Of course that never goes over well either, because that is completely irrelevant apparently. o_O
So, I have stopped sharing information altogether. Before I discuss our birthing/child-rearing plans I fearfully put feelers out to find out if the person I'm talking to agrees with me; then I go in to that discussion. I have found that people are incredibly hostile when fact disagrees with what they are currently doing. It breaks my heart that if I have to adopt children; and never get to birth a live baby, never get to carry a child to term, that I am expected to forever keep my mouth shut. Because of circumstances beyond my control, for the rest of my life there is a chance that I will never 'know what I am talking about'.
Fair? I don't think so, but that's the way the world works I guess. So instead of bringing attention to the correct information, I just sit there silent. I am afraid to speak up, even when I am asked about certain things. I hope with all my might that I will be able to carry a baby to term and raise a happy child. Maybe then people will be willing to listen. Maybe then I will be able to offer up facts and methods that have been proven to work.
I just want to change the world that's all,
Rachel
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
My HSG
I haven't blogged in awhile. I wrote a ridiculously long blog about my HSG, but it got eaten by the internet boogey man and I didn't have the patience to re-write it. In short, it went fine. It was determined that I have a cervix; my uterus is of normal shape, my tubes are clear, and my pain tolerance is rather high.
Apparently there have been many women that cannot even finish the HSG, it is too painful and the doctor has to stop. And they had taken the strong pain medicine a half hour before hand. I forgot my pills at home, so I was going through it au-naturale. I was understandably worried as they explained the contrast was refrigerated and I put on 3 robes and 2 blankets. I tried to play it cool, making a joke here and there as we waited for the doctor. My wonderful hubby knew better though, and rubbed my shoulder and kissed my forehead comfortingly.
Then the doctor came in and explained the process to me again, and asked if I had taken the medication 30 min prior. I hesitantly said, "Well, no." He asked if I had taken it sooner, and that it probably wasn't a big deal; it would kick in before they started the procedure. I said, "Well, actually I forgot it at home so I haven't taken it at all is that a problem I think I'll be okay?" in one nervous breath. I squeezed Roy's hand for comfort, wondering if perhaps I should have just lied and pretended I was a massive baby as my screams could be heard throughout the whole wing of the hospital. The doctor told me, "Well, we can try it if you want. We really suggest the medication though because most women have a very hard time even with the medication. A lot of the time we have to stop because it is too painful for them. We'll try it, but I don't know if we'll be able to get the information we need." I bravely said I was up for it.
I climbed on the table as the doctor and nurse prepared everything. I was so anxious I was shaking as they put my legs in the stirrups and put a high wedge underneath my bottom. My heart was pounding in my chest and my hands and feet felt ice cold as the doctor did a quick pelvic exam and declared, "You have a cervix. That's good." o.O Roy was recording the whole thing, so it gave me some incentive to be brave; but I clutched the blankets for dear life as he inserted the catheter. A little uncomfortable, but no pain. Then they inflated the balloon to hold the catheter in place while the contrast was being pushed through my uterus. That was a bit painful but nothing too serious, (I believe I let out a "ooooooh!" as it was inflated) and they told me the worst part was over. Then came the contrast. I was very cold! It made my teeth chatter a bit and gave me the chills. They took pictures of my uterus as the contrast was going through it; deflated the balloon, removed everything, had me lay there for a minute, then that was it! I wish I would have taken a picture of the lube and blood puddle that was left behind me. There was a good amount of blood, but Roy said it was too gross for the general public. :/ I strutted back to my shoes and purse like I was Wonderwoman as the doctor and nurse told me how wonderful I was, and I handled it SOOOOOOOO much better than the other women that get it done (and I did it with no pain meds!). Proud as a peacock I got dressed and waddled out to the parking lot. I made Roy bring me the car because I was still having some pretty nasty cramps, but I did AWESOME! :D I am so going to rock childbirth! :)
Apparently there have been many women that cannot even finish the HSG, it is too painful and the doctor has to stop. And they had taken the strong pain medicine a half hour before hand. I forgot my pills at home, so I was going through it au-naturale. I was understandably worried as they explained the contrast was refrigerated and I put on 3 robes and 2 blankets. I tried to play it cool, making a joke here and there as we waited for the doctor. My wonderful hubby knew better though, and rubbed my shoulder and kissed my forehead comfortingly.
Then the doctor came in and explained the process to me again, and asked if I had taken the medication 30 min prior. I hesitantly said, "Well, no." He asked if I had taken it sooner, and that it probably wasn't a big deal; it would kick in before they started the procedure. I said, "Well, actually I forgot it at home so I haven't taken it at all is that a problem I think I'll be okay?" in one nervous breath. I squeezed Roy's hand for comfort, wondering if perhaps I should have just lied and pretended I was a massive baby as my screams could be heard throughout the whole wing of the hospital. The doctor told me, "Well, we can try it if you want. We really suggest the medication though because most women have a very hard time even with the medication. A lot of the time we have to stop because it is too painful for them. We'll try it, but I don't know if we'll be able to get the information we need." I bravely said I was up for it.
I climbed on the table as the doctor and nurse prepared everything. I was so anxious I was shaking as they put my legs in the stirrups and put a high wedge underneath my bottom. My heart was pounding in my chest and my hands and feet felt ice cold as the doctor did a quick pelvic exam and declared, "You have a cervix. That's good." o.O Roy was recording the whole thing, so it gave me some incentive to be brave; but I clutched the blankets for dear life as he inserted the catheter. A little uncomfortable, but no pain. Then they inflated the balloon to hold the catheter in place while the contrast was being pushed through my uterus. That was a bit painful but nothing too serious, (I believe I let out a "ooooooh!" as it was inflated) and they told me the worst part was over. Then came the contrast. I was very cold! It made my teeth chatter a bit and gave me the chills. They took pictures of my uterus as the contrast was going through it; deflated the balloon, removed everything, had me lay there for a minute, then that was it! I wish I would have taken a picture of the lube and blood puddle that was left behind me. There was a good amount of blood, but Roy said it was too gross for the general public. :/ I strutted back to my shoes and purse like I was Wonderwoman as the doctor and nurse told me how wonderful I was, and I handled it SOOOOOOOO much better than the other women that get it done (and I did it with no pain meds!). Proud as a peacock I got dressed and waddled out to the parking lot. I made Roy bring me the car because I was still having some pretty nasty cramps, but I did AWESOME! :D I am so going to rock childbirth! :)
Sunday, July 10, 2011
The testing cycle......
So this cycle is our testing cycle. We are doing several fertility tests and with some luck start IUI next cycle. So far we have done urine testing, blood testing, and we will do the FSH and HSG along with genetic testing (DNA sample) for both of us. Along with many transvaginal ultrasounds. I've already had two and I think I'm going to have 3 more before the end of my cycle.
I'm currently taking birth control to delay ovulation so we can get all of this testing done in one cycle versus two or three. When I went to pick everything up at the pharmacy the lab tech didn't give me the birth control. I told him he forgot one and he was like, "I thought that was a mistake. Fertility medication and birth control? That can't be right...." I told him, "Yeah it's right. I'm taking the birth control medication to avoid ovulation so I can do all of the testing in one month instead of several." He was still confused, but gave me my meds. It's hilarious to tell people, "Oh yeah, we are totally trying to have a baby...." while popping my birth control pills and watch the confused looks on their faces. :D
With some luck we'll be due sometime in May/June. I know we'd be really lucky to get pregnant on the first try (well, second first try), but a girl can hope. :) Our doctor is going a different route than previous doctors and he gives us very good chances. I'm actually kind of nervous now. It seems more real and like we have a good shot at this. This is the first time a doctor seems confident we'll actually get and stay pregnant; not just have us do IUI as something off a checklist before IVF or adoption. I'm just giddy we might be able to have a baby(ies) without spending $20,000+. I know it might not work on the first try. It might not work at all. But right now, I'm happy. Right now, I'm hopeful. :)
Happy and hopeful,
Rachel
I'm currently taking birth control to delay ovulation so we can get all of this testing done in one cycle versus two or three. When I went to pick everything up at the pharmacy the lab tech didn't give me the birth control. I told him he forgot one and he was like, "I thought that was a mistake. Fertility medication and birth control? That can't be right...." I told him, "Yeah it's right. I'm taking the birth control medication to avoid ovulation so I can do all of the testing in one month instead of several." He was still confused, but gave me my meds. It's hilarious to tell people, "Oh yeah, we are totally trying to have a baby...." while popping my birth control pills and watch the confused looks on their faces. :D
With some luck we'll be due sometime in May/June. I know we'd be really lucky to get pregnant on the first try (well, second first try), but a girl can hope. :) Our doctor is going a different route than previous doctors and he gives us very good chances. I'm actually kind of nervous now. It seems more real and like we have a good shot at this. This is the first time a doctor seems confident we'll actually get and stay pregnant; not just have us do IUI as something off a checklist before IVF or adoption. I'm just giddy we might be able to have a baby(ies) without spending $20,000+. I know it might not work on the first try. It might not work at all. But right now, I'm happy. Right now, I'm hopeful. :)
Happy and hopeful,
Rachel
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Medroxyprogesterone
This lovely medication is what I'm going to start taking on Monday. A normal woman's cycle is beteen 28 and 32 days. I am currently on day 46. I should have started about 2 weeks ago, but my uterus hates me. So here I am; not pregnant (we did a urine test, blood test, and ultrasound), but still no period. So I need to take medroxyprogesterone (or Prevera), to jump start my period. %90 of the time I am very regular with my cycles. I start a new period every 29-30 days, I ovulate on either day 15 or 16....you get the idea. Pretty standard, and just about the only reliable thing in this whole infertility mess.
See, the only thing is....Prevera is the devil. I have heard such horror stories about it, I'm terrified to take it. Here are the side effects I can expect; heart disease, blood clots, high/low blood pressure, heart palpitations, nausea, bloating, weight gain (oh goody. If you aren't aware, EVERY infertility drug causes bloating and weight gain. Seriously. I've checked. It sucks.), breast tenderness, headache, unusual vaginal discharge (Sounds fun? I wish they would have been more specific...), violent mood swings (I really hope I still have a husband after I'm done taking this), blurred vision, dizziness, drowsiness, swelling of the hands/feet, frequent/burning/painful urination, breast lumps, dark patches on the skin or face (great!), yellowing eyes, extreme fatigue. Sounds like someone you want to make a baby with, huh?
I'll keep you all posted on how it goes.
Just hoping hubby and I come out of this alive,
Rachel
See, the only thing is....Prevera is the devil. I have heard such horror stories about it, I'm terrified to take it. Here are the side effects I can expect; heart disease, blood clots, high/low blood pressure, heart palpitations, nausea, bloating, weight gain (oh goody. If you aren't aware, EVERY infertility drug causes bloating and weight gain. Seriously. I've checked. It sucks.), breast tenderness, headache, unusual vaginal discharge (Sounds fun? I wish they would have been more specific...), violent mood swings (I really hope I still have a husband after I'm done taking this), blurred vision, dizziness, drowsiness, swelling of the hands/feet, frequent/burning/painful urination, breast lumps, dark patches on the skin or face (great!), yellowing eyes, extreme fatigue. Sounds like someone you want to make a baby with, huh?
I'll keep you all posted on how it goes.
Just hoping hubby and I come out of this alive,
Rachel
Our new doctor
I haven't blogged in awhile. My apologies. It really is because there hasn't been much to blog about. We have taken a month or two off from trying to conceive while waiting to see our new doctor. I was a little frustrated because; of course, I wanted to see him NOW. In reality we got very lucky. The waiting list was usually over 6 months long (that's not unusual for an RE), and we got in to see him in about two.
I was really nervous and excited to see a new doctor. We have had our share of bad doctors, and we have had our share of doctors that were pretty upset we knew more than they did about fertility. We have also had our share of doctors that dragged their feet and were only willing to do one test every couple of months. So I was; understandably, nervous about what approach he was willing to take and how agressive he was willing to be. We have had more than one doctor tell us that we shouldn't be in a hurry because we are young still. We have plenty of time to worry about babies. :/ Roy; my wonderful Aspie husband, was indifferent. He told me, "Your stress isn't going to make him better or worse. Just chill out. I don't understand you."
Finally the nurse came in and got me weighed, took my vitals. Asked some basic questions and said the doctor would be right in. For those of you that don't know, RE's do a lot of transvaginal ultrasounds. Which means the ultrasound wand is long and skinny and there is an upward view of your uterus and ovaries from your vagina instead of your belly. Yes, they stick the wand up your vagina. So; since they do a lot of these at different times in a woman's cycle to monitor growth of follicles and ovaries, check for tube blockages, check for early pregnancies, etc, there is one in every room (an ultrasound machine with a transvaginal wand, that is).
And something you must know about Aspies; they are very sensory oriented, and Roy likes soft things that are kind of squishy. Like the pre-lubed transvaginal wand with a sanitary cover on it. I saw it, saw him, and knew he was going to try to touch it. I waited for him to reach it and sharply told him, "That is going in my VAGINA! Don't contaminate it!!! Keep your hands to yourself or you will have to wait in the lobby!" He was good and didn't reach for it again. I went to the bathroom to change into the sexy paper gowns they give you; and when I came out Roy had a very embarrassed/guilty look on his face, and I knew he had touched it. I saw the ultrasound wand, and the protective paper had come off, and the gel was oozing out the bottom of the rolled up plastic cover. I asked him in my whisper-yell voice, "How in the heck did you even do that???? Why did you touch it?? I was gone for less than 2 minutes!!!" He looked like he felt really bad and just said, "I had to touch it. It felt really nice, so I kinda squeezed it a little and stuff just started happening. We need to find where they keep the spares and just replace it. They'll never know!" Well, we couldn't find a replacement for it, so we just cleaned it up a bit and threw the paper away like it was never there.
At that point I had to go to the bathroom; so I told him, "I'm going to the bathroom. If you touch ANYTHING I will kill you dead, understand? Dead!" He nodded and sat on his hands. When I came back out he let out a very loud fart. I glared at him and said, "You know now that you did that the doctor is going to--" and the doctor knocked and walked in. It.Smelled.So.Bad. I was caught between wanting to giggle like a 5 year old or saying, "It wasn't me!!!" It was a trainwreck already.
To top it off; when I was getting into the stirrups (man, I hate those things!) I got this massive charlie horse in my thigh, which forced my leg to be contorted in the opposite direction it was supposed to be. So instead of being covered by the paper gown and my legs only a little open; The gown slid off and I was flashing my crotch to everyone in the room and almost fell off the table. At least we got it all out of the way and the poor doctor knows what to expect from us from now on. :/ I thought about asking him if he could tell I did kegels all the time; but I figured we'd all been embarrassed enough for one day.
On the upside; our new doctor is really nice. He sees no reason to postpone anything and wants to jump right into finishing up our testing and starting back up with our treatments. I told him, "By this time next year, I want at least one baby in my arms." He said that he sees no reason why that wouldn't be the case. I'm so happy!!! :D He is willing to be as agressive as we want to be and is VERY knowledgable. He's the first doctor to teach me something about fertility. :) And to top it all off, he's really attractive. :) So all in all not a bad visit. Believe it or not; that wasn't our worst doctor's appointment. :/
Cautiously hopefull, still bitter,
Rachel
I was really nervous and excited to see a new doctor. We have had our share of bad doctors, and we have had our share of doctors that were pretty upset we knew more than they did about fertility. We have also had our share of doctors that dragged their feet and were only willing to do one test every couple of months. So I was; understandably, nervous about what approach he was willing to take and how agressive he was willing to be. We have had more than one doctor tell us that we shouldn't be in a hurry because we are young still. We have plenty of time to worry about babies. :/ Roy; my wonderful Aspie husband, was indifferent. He told me, "Your stress isn't going to make him better or worse. Just chill out. I don't understand you."
Finally the nurse came in and got me weighed, took my vitals. Asked some basic questions and said the doctor would be right in. For those of you that don't know, RE's do a lot of transvaginal ultrasounds. Which means the ultrasound wand is long and skinny and there is an upward view of your uterus and ovaries from your vagina instead of your belly. Yes, they stick the wand up your vagina. So; since they do a lot of these at different times in a woman's cycle to monitor growth of follicles and ovaries, check for tube blockages, check for early pregnancies, etc, there is one in every room (an ultrasound machine with a transvaginal wand, that is).
And something you must know about Aspies; they are very sensory oriented, and Roy likes soft things that are kind of squishy. Like the pre-lubed transvaginal wand with a sanitary cover on it. I saw it, saw him, and knew he was going to try to touch it. I waited for him to reach it and sharply told him, "That is going in my VAGINA! Don't contaminate it!!! Keep your hands to yourself or you will have to wait in the lobby!" He was good and didn't reach for it again. I went to the bathroom to change into the sexy paper gowns they give you; and when I came out Roy had a very embarrassed/guilty look on his face, and I knew he had touched it. I saw the ultrasound wand, and the protective paper had come off, and the gel was oozing out the bottom of the rolled up plastic cover. I asked him in my whisper-yell voice, "How in the heck did you even do that???? Why did you touch it?? I was gone for less than 2 minutes!!!" He looked like he felt really bad and just said, "I had to touch it. It felt really nice, so I kinda squeezed it a little and stuff just started happening. We need to find where they keep the spares and just replace it. They'll never know!" Well, we couldn't find a replacement for it, so we just cleaned it up a bit and threw the paper away like it was never there.
At that point I had to go to the bathroom; so I told him, "I'm going to the bathroom. If you touch ANYTHING I will kill you dead, understand? Dead!" He nodded and sat on his hands. When I came back out he let out a very loud fart. I glared at him and said, "You know now that you did that the doctor is going to--" and the doctor knocked and walked in. It.Smelled.So.Bad. I was caught between wanting to giggle like a 5 year old or saying, "It wasn't me!!!" It was a trainwreck already.
To top it off; when I was getting into the stirrups (man, I hate those things!) I got this massive charlie horse in my thigh, which forced my leg to be contorted in the opposite direction it was supposed to be. So instead of being covered by the paper gown and my legs only a little open; The gown slid off and I was flashing my crotch to everyone in the room and almost fell off the table. At least we got it all out of the way and the poor doctor knows what to expect from us from now on. :/ I thought about asking him if he could tell I did kegels all the time; but I figured we'd all been embarrassed enough for one day.
On the upside; our new doctor is really nice. He sees no reason to postpone anything and wants to jump right into finishing up our testing and starting back up with our treatments. I told him, "By this time next year, I want at least one baby in my arms." He said that he sees no reason why that wouldn't be the case. I'm so happy!!! :D He is willing to be as agressive as we want to be and is VERY knowledgable. He's the first doctor to teach me something about fertility. :) And to top it all off, he's really attractive. :) So all in all not a bad visit. Believe it or not; that wasn't our worst doctor's appointment. :/
Cautiously hopefull, still bitter,
Rachel
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Just blowing some steam.
Just to get you caught up on us lately.... hubby has been working until 6 or later every day this week, and will for the next 2 weeks (yay, military). So I see him for about an hour or so before he has to go to bed. Unlike a lot of married couples; we actually really enjoy spending time together still, so this really sucks for us.
Hubby's mother came to visit over Easter weekend. It was fun having her and getting to do special things we don't normally do (go out to eat, etc). We also put together an Easter egg hunt for the boys (our roommate's kids), that they absolutely loved. They stayed out in the rain to finish finding the eggs! Then we had a wonderful Easter dinner together, I made a 'pink' velvet cake (red velvet cake with pink dye instead of red, for a more festive look) that everyone was too full to eat. I had a piece after I'd digested a bit and it was actually pretty good! :)
Aside from the festivities and horrid work hours; we finally had someone give us negative feedback about our fertility treatments. People had hinted at it before, but didn't have the steelies to come out and say it or were worried about being rude. We finally had someone tell us that infertility treatments were against nature and that we were forcing God's and and would be severely punished. God made us infertile and we should take a look at our life and try to find what we are doing that makes us such bad people. God took our babies for a reason, he knew that we didn't deserve it. This little gem she saved for last.... She is going to pray every night that we never have a baby. We don't deserve it and we are mocking God. Oh boy. My first knee jerk reaction was to kill her. Seriously. You don't say that to someone that has been through everything that I've been through. I'm all for peace and all that crap, but I wanted to yank her ovaries out through her eyeballs.
I've heard about these kinds of people; the ones that think infertility is God's message to us that we aren't supposed to have children, and we should 'just adopt' or be childless forever. In the height of irony, these people always have a lot of kids. So they have no idea what it is like to feel so broken. To need medical assistance to do something that other people do every day. Horrible people. People that are bad for real, not just because they use medicine to try to conceive. Drug addicts and abusers; rapists, murderers, they can bring life into this world and we cannot. Apparently God thinks they deserve babies more than we do, we'd be worse parents then the aforementioned people.
I highly doubt that God sits up there and says, "Random lowlife that is addicted to drugs and homeless because they care about nothing else? Oh yeah! Send them some babies! Lots of them! Rachel and Roy...nah. They don't believe in hitting or letting their babies cry just because or cutting off random pieces of penii for no reason. I see they have a great marriage and are both loving people; but I'm deciding they just shouldn't get babies. They'd suck at it. What??? They are using modern medicine to try to get pregnant anyway?!?!?! They should know better! I'll send this hateful, fertile woman to them to tell them the error of their ways. That should do it!" Yeah....no.
Of course it's not much better than people assuming crap about us, and saying things like, "You don't know, you don't have kids!"(Like saying I know nothing about geography because I don't travel. Even if I had thousands of children, the facts would be the same!) or "You'll know what I'm talking about if you get pregnant." o.O I should just get a shirt. "I've given birth to a baby we never brought home. There is a great possibility I've been pregnant more times than you. I've spent thousands of dollars and subjected my body to all kinds of misery so that I could do what you do without trying. Do not tell me that you know how I feel because it took you 4 months to conceive your 4th, 5th, 6th child. I will hit you." I think it'd be a hit. :)
Thankfully, I received some very encouraging notes today. It's so encouraging when people are supportive. My heart has been hurting and my soul has been heavy. It makes things so easy to bear when God answers my unspoken prayers. Every time I am ready to give up and throw in the towel, someone spends 5 mins and writes me a nice paragraph about how they are rooting for us or sending sympathy for our situation and that they think we are strong. :) It's nice to hear, especially when I'm feeling anything but strong.
pretending to be strong,
Rachel
Hubby's mother came to visit over Easter weekend. It was fun having her and getting to do special things we don't normally do (go out to eat, etc). We also put together an Easter egg hunt for the boys (our roommate's kids), that they absolutely loved. They stayed out in the rain to finish finding the eggs! Then we had a wonderful Easter dinner together, I made a 'pink' velvet cake (red velvet cake with pink dye instead of red, for a more festive look) that everyone was too full to eat. I had a piece after I'd digested a bit and it was actually pretty good! :)
Aside from the festivities and horrid work hours; we finally had someone give us negative feedback about our fertility treatments. People had hinted at it before, but didn't have the steelies to come out and say it or were worried about being rude. We finally had someone tell us that infertility treatments were against nature and that we were forcing God's and and would be severely punished. God made us infertile and we should take a look at our life and try to find what we are doing that makes us such bad people. God took our babies for a reason, he knew that we didn't deserve it. This little gem she saved for last.... She is going to pray every night that we never have a baby. We don't deserve it and we are mocking God. Oh boy. My first knee jerk reaction was to kill her. Seriously. You don't say that to someone that has been through everything that I've been through. I'm all for peace and all that crap, but I wanted to yank her ovaries out through her eyeballs.
I've heard about these kinds of people; the ones that think infertility is God's message to us that we aren't supposed to have children, and we should 'just adopt' or be childless forever. In the height of irony, these people always have a lot of kids. So they have no idea what it is like to feel so broken. To need medical assistance to do something that other people do every day. Horrible people. People that are bad for real, not just because they use medicine to try to conceive. Drug addicts and abusers; rapists, murderers, they can bring life into this world and we cannot. Apparently God thinks they deserve babies more than we do, we'd be worse parents then the aforementioned people.
I highly doubt that God sits up there and says, "Random lowlife that is addicted to drugs and homeless because they care about nothing else? Oh yeah! Send them some babies! Lots of them! Rachel and Roy...nah. They don't believe in hitting or letting their babies cry just because or cutting off random pieces of penii for no reason. I see they have a great marriage and are both loving people; but I'm deciding they just shouldn't get babies. They'd suck at it. What??? They are using modern medicine to try to get pregnant anyway?!?!?! They should know better! I'll send this hateful, fertile woman to them to tell them the error of their ways. That should do it!" Yeah....no.
Of course it's not much better than people assuming crap about us, and saying things like, "You don't know, you don't have kids!"(Like saying I know nothing about geography because I don't travel. Even if I had thousands of children, the facts would be the same!) or "You'll know what I'm talking about if you get pregnant." o.O I should just get a shirt. "I've given birth to a baby we never brought home. There is a great possibility I've been pregnant more times than you. I've spent thousands of dollars and subjected my body to all kinds of misery so that I could do what you do without trying. Do not tell me that you know how I feel because it took you 4 months to conceive your 4th, 5th, 6th child. I will hit you." I think it'd be a hit. :)
Thankfully, I received some very encouraging notes today. It's so encouraging when people are supportive. My heart has been hurting and my soul has been heavy. It makes things so easy to bear when God answers my unspoken prayers. Every time I am ready to give up and throw in the towel, someone spends 5 mins and writes me a nice paragraph about how they are rooting for us or sending sympathy for our situation and that they think we are strong. :) It's nice to hear, especially when I'm feeling anything but strong.
pretending to be strong,
Rachel
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
'Just adopt'
Oy. Roy and I have heard this quite a bit, from many different people. It's pretty high on the list of what people say when they find out our parts aren't working together. I usually just say, 'it's not as easy as that.' or 'it's a lot more complicated than that'. Because I can't usually give that person a 20 minute explanation as to why their comment causes my eye to twitch and I ball my hold my own hands to keep from swinging at them.
Let me start off by saying; even if it was all that easy to 'just adopt', the average adoption in the US costs between $20,000 and $40,000. Here is a link so you know I'm not making stuff up. They have charts and everything. Go check it out. I'll wait.
http://www.theadoptionguide.com/cost/articles/how-much-does-adoption-cost
Now, those are just the recorded costs. That doesn't even touch the agency fees (yep, it costs one to three thousand dollars a month for an agency to keep your bio in their books to show birth mothers); or the money that most couples shell out to the birth mothers every month. It is actually uncommon for birth mothers to not receive any financial assistance during their pregnancy. Usually adoptive parents will pay their bills, pay for their medical, pay for maternity clothes, etc. That gets pretty spendy. The upside? It's cheaper than international adoption and you get to carry around your newborn baby looking like you haven't just had a baby. The downside? The birth mother can change her mind at any point, up to 60 days after the baby is born in most states.
I'm not even going to touch on international adoptions. Those cost an upwards of $100,000; and we would have to get a dossier, go to the country for 20 days, get approved, meet the baby, sign papers, go back home, wait for everything to get approved, go back for 15-30 days, bring back a passport for the baby along with all adoption legal papers, and hope that there are no delays in customs. Keep in mind we'd have to pay for our airfare, hotel, food, and transportation the whole time for both visits, and majority of the time is not even spent with the baby. It is spent working with lawyers and at the US Customs building. The upside? You are coming home with a baby no matter what. The downside? The cost. It's beyond crazy expensive.
So let's say that you are one of those people that are like, "But there are so many kids in the system that need good homes!!! You are selfish for going to such great lengths to have your own when there are SO MANY kids that need loving parents!!!" First of all, *gag*. Second of all, let me enlighten you..... This is a list of available children in my state.
http://nwae.org/PhotoIndex-WA.php
There are only about 100 kids listed. Do you know how many of them are infants? 0 Do you know how many are under 5? 2 And these children that are available for placement are not necessarily available for adoption. The foster care system is in the business of reuniting families, not playing adoption agency. Hubby and I have been married for 3 years and are in our 20's. I am not going to adopt a child that is older than how long we've been married. Especially considering we got married young. So no. There are not 'all these kids that desperately need homes.' And not even all the kids on that list can go to just anybody. There are several that specify they must be an only child, or an oldest child, or a youngest child, or go to a no pet house, or only go to a parent that has medical training.
I despise the fact that infertile couples are somehow held to a different standard. It makes no sense for a fertile person with several children of their own to tell me that because it's difficult for me to have children with my husband, that means that I must adopt. It's like a person that drives a Hummer telling a person who is car shopping that they need to get a prius to save the environment. Please, people.
If I'm feeling real snarky I'll just tell people; 'Yup, tried the adoption thing. All we got was broke and still didn't get a baby.' We tried to 'just adopt'. We spent a lot of money on our birth mother that changed her mind and kept our money and the baby for herself. And I'm going to say this because it's my blog and I don't have to be politically correct; If she needed us to pay her bills for months on end, she shouldn't have kept the baby. If someone can't take care of themselves, they have no business trying to take care of a helpless child that depends on them for everything.
In case you couldn't tell, I'm PMSing.
End rant.
Frustrated and infertile,
Rachel
Let me start off by saying; even if it was all that easy to 'just adopt', the average adoption in the US costs between $20,000 and $40,000. Here is a link so you know I'm not making stuff up. They have charts and everything. Go check it out. I'll wait.
http://www.theadoptionguide.com/cost/articles/how-much-does-adoption-cost
Now, those are just the recorded costs. That doesn't even touch the agency fees (yep, it costs one to three thousand dollars a month for an agency to keep your bio in their books to show birth mothers); or the money that most couples shell out to the birth mothers every month. It is actually uncommon for birth mothers to not receive any financial assistance during their pregnancy. Usually adoptive parents will pay their bills, pay for their medical, pay for maternity clothes, etc. That gets pretty spendy. The upside? It's cheaper than international adoption and you get to carry around your newborn baby looking like you haven't just had a baby. The downside? The birth mother can change her mind at any point, up to 60 days after the baby is born in most states.
I'm not even going to touch on international adoptions. Those cost an upwards of $100,000; and we would have to get a dossier, go to the country for 20 days, get approved, meet the baby, sign papers, go back home, wait for everything to get approved, go back for 15-30 days, bring back a passport for the baby along with all adoption legal papers, and hope that there are no delays in customs. Keep in mind we'd have to pay for our airfare, hotel, food, and transportation the whole time for both visits, and majority of the time is not even spent with the baby. It is spent working with lawyers and at the US Customs building. The upside? You are coming home with a baby no matter what. The downside? The cost. It's beyond crazy expensive.
So let's say that you are one of those people that are like, "But there are so many kids in the system that need good homes!!! You are selfish for going to such great lengths to have your own when there are SO MANY kids that need loving parents!!!" First of all, *gag*. Second of all, let me enlighten you..... This is a list of available children in my state.
http://nwae.org/PhotoIndex-WA.php
There are only about 100 kids listed. Do you know how many of them are infants? 0 Do you know how many are under 5? 2 And these children that are available for placement are not necessarily available for adoption. The foster care system is in the business of reuniting families, not playing adoption agency. Hubby and I have been married for 3 years and are in our 20's. I am not going to adopt a child that is older than how long we've been married. Especially considering we got married young. So no. There are not 'all these kids that desperately need homes.' And not even all the kids on that list can go to just anybody. There are several that specify they must be an only child, or an oldest child, or a youngest child, or go to a no pet house, or only go to a parent that has medical training.
I despise the fact that infertile couples are somehow held to a different standard. It makes no sense for a fertile person with several children of their own to tell me that because it's difficult for me to have children with my husband, that means that I must adopt. It's like a person that drives a Hummer telling a person who is car shopping that they need to get a prius to save the environment. Please, people.
If I'm feeling real snarky I'll just tell people; 'Yup, tried the adoption thing. All we got was broke and still didn't get a baby.' We tried to 'just adopt'. We spent a lot of money on our birth mother that changed her mind and kept our money and the baby for herself. And I'm going to say this because it's my blog and I don't have to be politically correct; If she needed us to pay her bills for months on end, she shouldn't have kept the baby. If someone can't take care of themselves, they have no business trying to take care of a helpless child that depends on them for everything.
In case you couldn't tell, I'm PMSing.
End rant.
Frustrated and infertile,
Rachel
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