Just blowing some steam.

Just to get you caught up on us lately.... hubby has been working until 6 or later every day this week, and will for the next 2 weeks (yay, military). So I see him for about an hour or so before he has to go to bed. Unlike a lot of married couples; we actually really enjoy spending time together still, so this really sucks for us.

Hubby's mother came to visit over Easter weekend. It was fun having her and getting to do special things we don't normally do (go out to eat, etc). We also put together an Easter egg hunt for the boys (our roommate's kids), that they absolutely loved. They stayed out in the rain to finish finding the eggs! Then we had a wonderful Easter dinner together, I made a 'pink' velvet cake (red velvet cake with pink dye instead of red, for a more festive look) that everyone was too full to eat. I had a piece after I'd digested a bit and it was actually pretty good! :)

Aside from the festivities and horrid work hours; we finally had someone give us negative feedback about our fertility treatments. People had hinted at it before, but didn't have the steelies to come out and say it or were worried about being rude. We finally had someone tell us that infertility treatments were against nature and that we were forcing God's and and would be severely punished. God made us infertile and we should take a look at our life and try to find what we are doing that makes us such bad people. God took our babies for a reason, he knew that we didn't deserve it. This little gem she saved for last.... She is going to pray every night that we never have a baby. We don't deserve it and we are mocking God. Oh boy. My first knee jerk reaction was to kill her. Seriously. You don't say that to someone that has been through everything that I've been through. I'm all for peace and all that crap, but I wanted to yank her ovaries out through her eyeballs.

I've heard about these kinds of people; the ones that think infertility is God's message to us that we aren't supposed to have children, and we should 'just adopt' or be childless forever. In the height of irony, these people always have a lot of kids. So they have no idea what it is like to feel so broken. To need medical assistance to do something that other people do every day. Horrible people. People that are bad for real, not just because they use medicine to try to conceive. Drug addicts and abusers; rapists, murderers, they can bring life into this world and we cannot. Apparently God thinks they deserve babies more than we do, we'd be worse parents then the aforementioned people.

I highly doubt that God sits up there and says, "Random lowlife that is addicted to drugs and homeless because they care about nothing else? Oh yeah! Send them some babies! Lots of them! Rachel and Roy...nah. They don't believe in hitting or letting their babies cry just because or cutting off random pieces of penii for no reason. I see they have a great marriage and are both loving people; but I'm deciding they just shouldn't get babies. They'd suck at it. What??? They are using modern medicine to try to get pregnant anyway?!?!?! They should know better! I'll send this hateful, fertile woman to them to tell them the error of their ways. That should do it!" Yeah....no.


Of course it's not much better than people assuming crap about us, and saying things like, "You don't know, you don't have kids!"(Like saying I know nothing about geography because I don't travel. Even if I had thousands of children, the facts would be the same!) or "You'll know what I'm talking about if you get pregnant." o.O I should just get a shirt. "I've given birth to a baby we never brought home. There is a great possibility I've been pregnant more times than you. I've spent thousands of dollars and subjected my body to all kinds of misery so that I could do what you do without trying. Do not tell me that you know how I feel because it took you 4 months to conceive your 4th, 5th, 6th child. I will hit you." I think it'd be a hit. :)

Thankfully, I received some very encouraging notes today. It's so encouraging when people are supportive. My heart has been hurting and my soul has been heavy. It makes things so easy to bear when God answers my unspoken prayers. Every time I am ready to give up and throw in the towel, someone spends 5 mins and writes me a nice paragraph about how they are rooting for us or sending sympathy for our situation and that they think we are strong. :) It's nice to hear, especially when I'm feeling anything but strong.

pretending to be strong,
Rachel