My life with my Aspie

I've been debating on writing this particular post for awhile. I really want to phrase everything correctly and explain everything properly. In short, my husband has Asperger's Syndrome.
I always knew there was something different about him, even when we were dating. When we were engaged I noticed it moreso as we spent increasingly more time together. When we were married it was undeniable. He needed things done a certian way, and he needed to be on a schedule. If his schedule changed he had a very hard time and seemed lost. He had a very hard time empathisizing with anyone, and at times seemed very cold when he should have been showing compassion. He had zero tolerance for other people's stupidity and he was an increadible genius. He learned things faster than anybody I'd ever met, and anything electronic was instantly second nature to him.
Even though he had many people he would spend time with; he never felt any deep connection to them, even though he wanted to. Anyone that said 'Hi' to him or made small talk was classified in his brain as a friend. Because that made sense to him. He would never go out of his way and say 'Hi' to anyone he didn't like, so if the person spent a couple of minutes of their life asking him about his day or talking about the weather, they must really like him.
Of course this led to many hurt feelings as he realized these people were not actually his friends and didn't have an interest in spending time with him on a recreational level. He had several girlfriends before me, but no relationship lasted longer than a month or two.
Even as a child he was increadibly smart and obviously gifted, but he never played pretend games or had an imaginary friend. It was difficult for him to use his imagination to imagine his world in a way other than it really was, and he didn't understand why anyone would want to do that anyway.
Before Roy's diagnosis, neither one of us understood why he was so particular about certian things, or why he got so frustrated so easily about odd things. I didn't understand why although I loved my husband very much and he loved me, he wasn't like other people's husbands. He didn't notice I was tired and the dishes were in the sink, and go do the dishes. He wouldn't notice I was frustrated with something and come help me. He figured if I wanted help I would ask for it. When he was doing anything pertaining to electronics he would lose track of time completely. He would literally go 12-14 hours without eating, sleeping, or going to the bathroom. He would just forget the world around him, and was completely astonished and needed to check the clock for confirmation when I told him how long it had been. He honestly thought it had been only 10-15 min.
He never liked being around large groups of people; even though he would throw huge parties as a teenager, he would often escape to his room when it became too much for him. I noticed early on that he became very anxious and irritable when we were around large groups of people. We started doing our grocery shopping late at night so the store would be empty, and we went to the movies either late in the evening or during the weekdays when it wasn't likely to be crowded.
He has always been a stickler about germs. He doesn't eat strange food or food off of a communal plate. It took him years to drink off of a straw or glass after me, and he still won't use the same silverware. He wipes his hands off on his pants after shaking a strager's hand, and doesn't like touching common things like doorknobs and especially handrails. If anyone has sneezed anywhere near food, it is now contaminated and he will not eat it; even if it is inplausible that the germs of the person's sneeze got on the food, he can't eat it. The only people that can make up his plate are me and him. Nobody else can touch his plate or dish up his food. Period.
Roy works best when he has a predictable schedule, so we have a whiteboard that has a list of what household chores are done what day, and that week's menu. For example: Laundry is done Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Colors on Monday, whites in Wednesday, and Roy's uniforms on Friday. Vacuum, sweep, mop, dishes, and make our bed is done every day, and washing walls, deep cleaning carpets, and washing the dogs & their bedding are all done every weekend. The car is washed & cleaned every other weekend. I list the menu on the other side of the whiteboard, and what meals we are having what day.
The biggest thing that Aspies have to deal with is 'meltdowns'. Yelling and throwing things are common; and as comical as it sounds to think of watching an adult throw a tantrum like a toddler, it is actually difficult to watch. Aspies become totally out of control during a meltdown, and their brain is being so overloaded that it cannot handle any more. It is similar to an epileptic having a seizure. Something they have no control over and often times little to no memory of it. With an increadible amount of work we can avoid meltdowns, and thankfully there was only a short time when that was a problem for us. Now that we are on a schedule and I can make sure we avoid things that trigger a meltdown; we are both much happier. Therapy and research have also helped. Roy can tell me when he is getting upset or anxious and I know that we need to change the subject or our environment immediately. It will take us hours to have an 'argument' because when he gets too upset we immediately stop talking and one of us leaves the room until things are calm again and we pick up where we left off.
If Aspies are anything, they are logical. Roy is a hopeless logical person. I hinted for months that I wanted him to get me flowers. Nothing. I sulked for awhile, sad that my husband didn't want to get my flowers and that he wasn't paying enough attention to me to notice my hints (I was NOT subtle). I finally just told him,
"I want you to get my flowers."
"Now?" he said.
"No, for a special occasion. Or just because."
"Sooo....you don't want me to get you flowers now. But some other undisclosed time..."
"Right."
"It would be a lot easier if we could just sit down with a calender or something and just decide when I'm going to get you flowers. And I don't even know what kind of flowers you want."
"It doesn't really matter. I want pretty ones."
"You are really going to have to be more specific. 'Pretty' is not a kind of flower..."
"Fine. I don't care what kind of flowers you get me, I just don't want carnations or mums."
"Well that's better. What if I got you a bouquet of carnations?? You would be upset and I would have no idea why. You need to help me help you, hun."
"Okay, tulips or roses. Not necessarily together."
"Okay."
So, a couple weeks later he comes home with a bag and he hands it to me. Inside is a bag of tulip bulbs. I explain that this isn't what I wanted. I don't want to grow my own tulips, I want him to buy me ones that someone else grew and cut. "But this is so much better! They are less expensive, and last 10x longer! And you can replant them and they'll blossom again! The gift that keeps on giving! I don't know why more men aren't doing this. You could potentially have tulips from me forever, providing you don't kill them."
That is how an aspie brain works. Very logical, very much a problem solver. Not so good on picking up hints and sarcasm is completely lost on him. Most of the time emotion is removed from the equation, and he gets frustrated and doesn't understand when people make irrational, emotional decisions. He gets very frustrated when things malfunction or someone's mistake effects his day.
He is also very honest, as he sees no point in lying, sugar coating the truth, or exagerrating anything. If he doesn't like you and you try to talk to him, he will tell you that he has no interest in conversing with you. If you complain to him about a problem and you don't have any interest in actually solving your problem, he will tell you that you are stupid and are being a whiner. He readily admits that he is much smarter than almost everyone he knows, and learns much faster than the average individual, because he knows it's true.
He loves his dog more than 95% of people, and he talks to her almost as much as he talks to me. He says he loves her because she's as honest as he is, and their relationship is one of the few pure things in the world. She is excited and jumps up to lick his face when he gets home every day. She gets a hug and cuddles before I do, because when she hears him coming up the steps she races to the door already so excited to see him. All you have to say is, "Daddy's home!" and she goes running to the door ready to give him as many kisses as he'll allow. She's content to just be on his lap while he's playing videogames, and fall asleep in his arms.
The number one rule with Roy; NEVER TOUCH HIS THINGS. EVER. His electronics are his and nobody else's. He absolutely doesn't like them touched by anyone, I can't even move them while I'm cleaning. Even the dogs know to steer clear of daddy's electronics.
Like other Aspies, Roy has sensory issues. He gets headaches easily, and gets unexplained chest pains when there is too much going on. His biggest sensory issue though is his skin. If I rub his neck, it is red for an hour or more where I rubbed it. If he wears shirts with tags his skin will be all red and very painful where the tag was. He has a hard time with a lot of fabrics and collars of shirts. He doesn't like to have anything touching his toes. He doesn't wear shoes unless he is outside, and his socks must be pulled a little on the front so there is some space between the sock and the end of his toes. He also HATES other people touching or looking at his feet. I have only been allowed to touch them a few times. Shaving every day is murder for his poor face. The sensory issue is also with food. He doesn't like pudding and foods with a similar consistancy.
He is afraid of the dark, large groups of people, empty gloves, people touching/taking his electronics, dogs, heights over water, water, throwing up, germs, being in closed spaces, spiders, small bugs (fleas, lice, etc), other people's bodily fluids, not knowing where I am (For example, if I was to be gone when he got home he would completely freak out, as opposed to thinking I went on a walk or something), being yelled at, being dirty....the list goes on.
Being married to an Aspie, our lives are very different and our marriage is very different than most people's. I wouldn't trade it for the world (on most days). :) Roy is honest, and he is real. You know exactly where you stand with him, and he is one of the most caring people I have ever met. He is passionate about so many things, and he is so giving. By loving Roy, I get so much in return. He knows that I am always here. No matter what. He will never be alone, and he will always have someone fighting for him. He knows that he has someone looking out for him and taking care of him. And I know that Roy will back me up no matter what it is. I know he will protect me no matter what. He doesn't say anything bad about me, even when I'm not there. I know that if I was to tell him right now that I just killed somebody, the first thing he would do is go get a shovel.
Things that are not a big deal to other people are huge for us. Being with Roy has reminded me to celebrate life's little miracles, and be thankful for every moment. I see him do something I know is hard for him, and I cheer inside. I am so proud when I see him comfort another person. I fall more in love with him when I watch him spend 30 min resuctating a fish or cuddling the dogs. When I wake up and he's already let the dogs out and done the dishes, it means the world to me.
I love my aspie, and I wouldn't trade him for anyone else's husband. He is so good to me, and he takes such good care of me. Our marriage is honest, real, and we have proven it can withstand anything. There is nothing better than knowing that you have someone that's got your back until the day you die. Roy is going to be an amazing father. He has so much love to give, and so much to teach our children. Any kid would be lucky to have him as a father.
He is my best friend, my parter, my protector, my companion, my caregiver, my soulmate. There is no doubt in my mind that we are meant for each other, and I am so excited to live my life with him.

Eternally blessed,
Rachel

Oh hello, reality.

Roy joined the Air Force only a couple months after we got married. Because he was accepted for such a specialty job, he didn't leave until May, missing my birthday and our first anniversary.
Until now, I haven't considered myself a 'real' military wife; as we have never been through a deployment. We joined the Air Force so that Roy would deploy to a safe place that the Army and Marines laugh at, like Qatar or somewhere in Europe.
Not so much. My husband is going to Afghanistan. He will miss my birthday and our anniversary again, he'll miss Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, and Valentine's Day. He'll have to suffer through both the winter and the summer in the desert.
There are probably going to be long stretches of time that I won't have contact with him, and the internet is so slow that I don't even know if we'll be able to skype at all. So it's email. Just like boot camp, only longer. And it's actually dangerous, not just in a someone-steps-on-his-hand-and-breaks-it dangerous. Like, a there-is-a-high-chance-he'll-get-blown-up dangerous.
We are both trying to be as positive as possible. It's not as long as long as other branches of the military, and he does have a safer job than a lot of people there. What majorly sucks, is that the absolute soonest I'd be able to get pregnant is March of next year. And that sucks. A lot. I started my period today, so I'm obviously not pregnant now; and I'm not going to intentionally get pregnant with a due date I know my husband will be in a war-torn country for with no skype and limited phone calls. Sooooooo.....plans are put on hold. :/
I'm sure I'll be blogging a lot more now that I'll have more time that I need to keep myself distracted. :)
About to enter the Silent Ranks,
Rachel

False hopes....

I haven't updated in awhile, I apologize. Roy and I were feeling very confident after our IUI. I was appropriately miserable as a result of the medications, and we were very hopeful. I was planning for my August babies...Roy would be here for the whole pregnancy and birth; he would deploy when the babies were 3/4 months old, come back when they were 9/10 months old...just in time to help me plan their first birthday...
I woke up on Christmas Eve and still had not started my period. I tested, it was negative. Of course my heart sank, but I quickly told myself that it was too soon to be positive anyway (it really wasn't), and that without a period I was still in the game.
I started packing a few things for Roy and I to have for the overnight stay at my parents' house and I started cramping. I rationalized to myself that cramping is very common in the early weeks of pregnancy, as the uterus is stretching in a way it's not used to. No bleeding yet, so I was still hopeful.
Roy packed the car and loaded up the dogs, and I went to use the bathroom before we left. When I wiped I was devestated, there was blood. I told myself that spotting is common in the early weeks of pregnancy too, and that's probably all it was. Not a big deal. We got to my parents' house about an hour and a half later. I went to the bathroom to check and there was blood. A lot of blood. There was no denying it, we had failed. The IUI didn't work, another month my body had failed me. I wasn't going to have the August babies I had been dreaming about; another month we were going to be 'that couple' that had dogs instead of children. I was heartbroken. Aunt Flo came, and she didn't even have the decency to wait until after the holidays; the heartless hag.
Let me explain something to those of you that don't know. Something that those of you who get pregnant every time your husband looks at you won't ever understand. When a couple has been trying to get pregnant for a very long time, we go through the greiving process just like with any other major loss. See; we are greiving the loss of a dream. A dream that we will get pregnant on accident or surprise. A dream that we will get pregnant without medication or procedures. The dream that our husbands will come home from work and we can say, "Honey!!! We are pregnant!! Can you believe it?? What a surprise!!!" And he would say, "That is so unexpected! I am so excited though, a wonderful surprise!" That will never happen. Roy and I will know the exact day our child(ren) are conceived and their due date before our first OB appointment. We will both anxiously await the appropriate amount of days after ovulation to start taking pregnancy tests (I won't tell him that I've been testing for days already); and we will be dissapointed. We'll both tell each other it's alright, a baby born in 'x' month would be better anyway. A pregnancy during 'x' season would be better anyway... And we'd be lying. We both really want to be pregnant now. It's not okay. I'm not okay with waiting another month, pushing back the due date another month. It's not okay.
So here are the 5 stages of greif for a woman trying to conceive...

1-Denial. The things a woman in denial will tell herself; "It's WAY too soon to test. I would get a negative even if I was pregnant. I need to just wait 48 hours and test again." (she repeats this to herself the next day, after she breaks down and takes another test) "I'm not starting my period, that's just a little bit of spotting. It's nowhere near enough blood to be my period. I've had so many symptoms, I'm definitely pregnant this time!"

2-Anger. "How could this be happening! Our timing was perfect this month!" "How can everyone but me get pregnant! I'm a good person, I'm healthy, I have a good marriage; I deserve this!" She then proceeds to be angry at every pregnant/new mom she sees, shooting daggers out of her eyes and making people uncomfortable (you'd be suprised, people really aren't used to getting glares while holding their newborn baby...)"People get pregnant ON ACCIDENT every day! Why can't I do this on purpose???"

3-Bargaining. "I bet if I drink red raspberry tea and eat pineapple core next month that will do it." "I'll do a headstand next time after sex, the little guys just need a little extra help, that's all!" "Dear God, I will never do 'x' again if I get pregnant, I promise!" The list goes on...

4-Depression. "I'm never going to get pregnant." "It's never going to happen for me, I might as well stop trying." "I can't believe I got my hopes up again, I should know better." Every pregnant woman and baby she sees sparks feelings of depression; may also be accompanied by feelings of inadequacy and hopelessnes.

5-Acceptance. The depression and mourning has tappered off, and we have accepted that yet another month has gone by that we are not pregnant. We tell ourselves that we are okay; that it's another month to get in shape, pay off debt, whatever. We may bounce back and forth between acceptance, depression, and anger alternately.

Moving towards acceptance,
Rachel