As the holidays are approaching, things are kind of difficult for the hubby and I. Not only do I think that the perfect Christmas present would be a framed ultrasound picture; but everywhere there is 'Baby's First Christmas' memorabilia everywhere, it's impossible to ignore.
It doesn't help that everyone, and I mean everyone......is pregnant or just had a baby. People that don't know us very well are always talking about the joys of having children and how we shouldn't wait to expand our family.
Of course, I thought we'd be pregnant by now, or have a baby. Hopefully with the fertility procedures we are trying we will be by Roy's birthday (in April).
As much as coming home to an empty house is hard for us; we are enjoying being a childless couple for now. Staying out late; sleeping in, having hot chocolate for breakfast, showering every day, having the backseat available, the list goes on. :)
Happy holidays to everyone!
the bitter childless couple,
Rachel and Roy
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Bath and Body Works
Let's just start this out by saying....I have a love affair with bath and body works. Almost nothing makes me happier, and I think about it when we are apart. I use the products sparingly so they will last as long as possible. When I have to throw the empty bottles away, I almost can't do it. It is very hard for me. It's like saying goodbye to your favorite shirt because it doesn't fit you anymore, or having to let go of your favorite pair of shoes because your dog chewed on them. It feels like parting with a piece of myself, and it is excruitiatingly painful. :(
I look on Bath and Body works website all the time, just admiring pictures and drooling. I almost always have a tab of their website open, and when they have a sale, my willpower is challenged to it's limits. I bargain with Roy; "If I only eat one meal a day, it will cut down on the food bill and I can go shopping! They are having a sale!!! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!" It is very sad, and I probably should talk to a professional about it. But I'm perfectly happy with my addiction. Bath and Body works and I, we are a beautiful pair, and I enjoy every minute of it!
I love walking around in their store. All the beautiful bottles lined up by scentes and function, the exquisite tables full of bottles of heaven calling my name...all the happy people, the whole store calling out to me..."Buy me! You need me! Take me home! I smell SO GOOD! I will make you prettier! I will make your hair shinier and softer! I will make your skin smooth like a baby's bottom until you are 200 years old! I will make you a better version of yourself!" It's exhausting.
I swear they have cocain in the bottles. As I open them and take a deep whiff, I can feel my pupils dilate; my breath quicken, my body shiver, my mind reels, I lose all sense of time and space, I suddenly don't care about anything else. The moment Roy drags me out kicking and screaming; just when I think I'm okay, my body screams for another hit, and I bolt back to the heaven on earth calling for me.
I love wandering around in the store. Running my fingers over the little bottles and boxes. Just staring at everything. I block out everyone there and pretend the whole store is my bathroom closet. It's magical. I can't even think about anything better than that right now. It makes me smile. :)
I love that store. It's amazing. As soon as Roy becomes an officer we are buying our own store, seriously. Then I can go in and kick everyone out and just wander around touching and smelling everything to my heart's content.
Until that day, I'll just keep dreaming and ticking off store salespeople becase I stay in there for so long and touch and smell everything. :D
Dreaming of wonderful beauty and hygiene products,
Rachel
I look on Bath and Body works website all the time, just admiring pictures and drooling. I almost always have a tab of their website open, and when they have a sale, my willpower is challenged to it's limits. I bargain with Roy; "If I only eat one meal a day, it will cut down on the food bill and I can go shopping! They are having a sale!!! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!" It is very sad, and I probably should talk to a professional about it. But I'm perfectly happy with my addiction. Bath and Body works and I, we are a beautiful pair, and I enjoy every minute of it!
I love walking around in their store. All the beautiful bottles lined up by scentes and function, the exquisite tables full of bottles of heaven calling my name...all the happy people, the whole store calling out to me..."Buy me! You need me! Take me home! I smell SO GOOD! I will make you prettier! I will make your hair shinier and softer! I will make your skin smooth like a baby's bottom until you are 200 years old! I will make you a better version of yourself!" It's exhausting.
I swear they have cocain in the bottles. As I open them and take a deep whiff, I can feel my pupils dilate; my breath quicken, my body shiver, my mind reels, I lose all sense of time and space, I suddenly don't care about anything else. The moment Roy drags me out kicking and screaming; just when I think I'm okay, my body screams for another hit, and I bolt back to the heaven on earth calling for me.
I love wandering around in the store. Running my fingers over the little bottles and boxes. Just staring at everything. I block out everyone there and pretend the whole store is my bathroom closet. It's magical. I can't even think about anything better than that right now. It makes me smile. :)
I love that store. It's amazing. As soon as Roy becomes an officer we are buying our own store, seriously. Then I can go in and kick everyone out and just wander around touching and smelling everything to my heart's content.
Until that day, I'll just keep dreaming and ticking off store salespeople becase I stay in there for so long and touch and smell everything. :D
Dreaming of wonderful beauty and hygiene products,
Rachel
Everything me
So I realized that I needed to post another blog post soon, but there really isn't anything going on in our lives right now. So, in case anyone out there besides my friends and my mommy are reading, I'll tell you a little about myself.
1. I LOVE shoes, oh my goodness do I love shoes. Especially high heels. I am almost ALWAYS wearing high heels. They make me happy. :)
2. We have 2 miniature doxins named Buddy and Bambi, and a boston terrier named Miho. Buddy and Bambi are 7 and 8 and Miho is 1.
3. My husband has High Functioning Asperger's Syndrome(google it), and we have frequent discussions about the use of sarcasm and facial expressions; as well as appropriate and innapropriate comments to different people.
4. People really bug me, which is what makes hubby and I such a good match. He's not so good with people, and I could do without them. Behind my smile, yes; I am judging you. But I chose to keep it to myself and vent to Roy later instead of say something to your face. You're welcome.
5. Roy and I have been trying to have a baby for the last 27 months. I'm over the needing to touch every baby and pregnant belly in sight phase, and I'm on to the "your baby reminds me of what I can't have, and your pregnant belly fills me with rage. So no, I don't want to hold your baby; and no, I don't want to feel your baby kick." Women always look so astonished when I refuse them. "The baby is kicking, do you want to feel?" "No." "Oh....okay..."
"Little Susie just LOVES people! Do you want to hold her?" "No, I don't." "Oh...um..Okay.."
6. The smell of bleach fills me with a happiness I can't quite express. It smells of all things clean and disinfected. If there was a 'bleach' room spray, I would totally buy it and my house would forever smell of bleach. The neighbors probably think I'm high, I smile so much while bleaching my kitchen and bathrooms.
7. I've started doing these pregnancy mantras to help get me pregnant faster (has not worked so far...) and it involves talking to my belly and future baby about how we are ready for them to come to us, and my body is ready to be pregnant and carry a healthy baby to term, yadda yadda. Since I have started doing this, I have started talking to everything. Inatimate objects, animals, everything. It makes me feel better and it's cheaper than a therapist.
8. I LOVE cupcakes! I love making them, I love eating them, and I love giving people cupcakes I have made. It makes them happy, it makes me happy; everybody's happy! :)
9. Hubby and myself are mildly obsessed with fish. We currently have a 110 gallon tank set up in our living room, along with a 65 gallon tank; a 30 gallon and 10 gallon in our bedroom, and a 45 gallon in the guest bedroom. We have a couple of empty tanks we are thinking of setting up in the other guest room/office to breed our own feeders.
10. Roy and I sort of treat our dogs like our children since; if you have been following my blog, we can't have any currently. I realize at the end of the day they are just animals, but they are very much apart of our family, and when speaking to them; Roy and I refer to ourselves as 'mommy' and 'daddy' (In the privacy of our own home of course). For example, when taking them to the dog park, "Okay, mommy is going to let you off your leashes now. Let's not bolt as fast as your absurdly short legs can get you into the bushes after squirrels. It ends up being nobody's idea of fun." Or when Roy gets home, "Daddy's home!" and they all proceed to jump up on him excitedly and try to lick him all over. They are not satisfied until they have each received individual attention. They get hugs and kisses before I do. :/
11. Roy and I are both VERY pro Attachment Parenting (google it) and Gentle Birthing (google it). We (mostly me) are good about keeping our mouths shut because I realize not everyone agrees with us, but if you ask me my opinion hold on to your panties. ;) If you ask for suggestions I will tell you that letting your child scream until they have vomitted all over themselves because you locked them in their dark room and they are scared, is crappy parenting and you should think about not breeding anymore.
12. I am probably one of the only grown women that is still afraid of the dark. I will take my phone as a flashlight to go to the bathroom at night. Thankfully my hubby is accomodating and understanding. He'll go turn lights on for me and go check out the bumps in the night. :)
13. I LOVE all animals except spiders and moths. I swear there is a PETA member in me dying to get out! :D
14. Not a lot of things make me happier than baking. I love mixing ingredients together and pouring them into different pans or molds and taking them out of the oven...the smell of baked goods filling the house, and the sense that I have created something that makes other people smile and will make me do 4 sessions of pilates in one day so I don't get fat. ;)
1. I LOVE shoes, oh my goodness do I love shoes. Especially high heels. I am almost ALWAYS wearing high heels. They make me happy. :)
2. We have 2 miniature doxins named Buddy and Bambi, and a boston terrier named Miho. Buddy and Bambi are 7 and 8 and Miho is 1.
3. My husband has High Functioning Asperger's Syndrome(google it), and we have frequent discussions about the use of sarcasm and facial expressions; as well as appropriate and innapropriate comments to different people.
4. People really bug me, which is what makes hubby and I such a good match. He's not so good with people, and I could do without them. Behind my smile, yes; I am judging you. But I chose to keep it to myself and vent to Roy later instead of say something to your face. You're welcome.
5. Roy and I have been trying to have a baby for the last 27 months. I'm over the needing to touch every baby and pregnant belly in sight phase, and I'm on to the "your baby reminds me of what I can't have, and your pregnant belly fills me with rage. So no, I don't want to hold your baby; and no, I don't want to feel your baby kick." Women always look so astonished when I refuse them. "The baby is kicking, do you want to feel?" "No." "Oh....okay..."
"Little Susie just LOVES people! Do you want to hold her?" "No, I don't." "Oh...um..Okay.."
6. The smell of bleach fills me with a happiness I can't quite express. It smells of all things clean and disinfected. If there was a 'bleach' room spray, I would totally buy it and my house would forever smell of bleach. The neighbors probably think I'm high, I smile so much while bleaching my kitchen and bathrooms.
7. I've started doing these pregnancy mantras to help get me pregnant faster (has not worked so far...) and it involves talking to my belly and future baby about how we are ready for them to come to us, and my body is ready to be pregnant and carry a healthy baby to term, yadda yadda. Since I have started doing this, I have started talking to everything. Inatimate objects, animals, everything. It makes me feel better and it's cheaper than a therapist.
8. I LOVE cupcakes! I love making them, I love eating them, and I love giving people cupcakes I have made. It makes them happy, it makes me happy; everybody's happy! :)
9. Hubby and myself are mildly obsessed with fish. We currently have a 110 gallon tank set up in our living room, along with a 65 gallon tank; a 30 gallon and 10 gallon in our bedroom, and a 45 gallon in the guest bedroom. We have a couple of empty tanks we are thinking of setting up in the other guest room/office to breed our own feeders.
10. Roy and I sort of treat our dogs like our children since; if you have been following my blog, we can't have any currently. I realize at the end of the day they are just animals, but they are very much apart of our family, and when speaking to them; Roy and I refer to ourselves as 'mommy' and 'daddy' (In the privacy of our own home of course). For example, when taking them to the dog park, "Okay, mommy is going to let you off your leashes now. Let's not bolt as fast as your absurdly short legs can get you into the bushes after squirrels. It ends up being nobody's idea of fun." Or when Roy gets home, "Daddy's home!" and they all proceed to jump up on him excitedly and try to lick him all over. They are not satisfied until they have each received individual attention. They get hugs and kisses before I do. :/
11. Roy and I are both VERY pro Attachment Parenting (google it) and Gentle Birthing (google it). We (mostly me) are good about keeping our mouths shut because I realize not everyone agrees with us, but if you ask me my opinion hold on to your panties. ;) If you ask for suggestions I will tell you that letting your child scream until they have vomitted all over themselves because you locked them in their dark room and they are scared, is crappy parenting and you should think about not breeding anymore.
12. I am probably one of the only grown women that is still afraid of the dark. I will take my phone as a flashlight to go to the bathroom at night. Thankfully my hubby is accomodating and understanding. He'll go turn lights on for me and go check out the bumps in the night. :)
13. I LOVE all animals except spiders and moths. I swear there is a PETA member in me dying to get out! :D
14. Not a lot of things make me happier than baking. I love mixing ingredients together and pouring them into different pans or molds and taking them out of the oven...the smell of baked goods filling the house, and the sense that I have created something that makes other people smile and will make me do 4 sessions of pilates in one day so I don't get fat. ;)
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
An update on the Dawson Duo :D
It's currently 4:40 AM and I have been up for about an hour or so unable to sleep. So many things are changing and big opportunities are coming up. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. With any luck we'll be pregnant by Feb. and as excited off my rocker as I am, I'm also crazy nervous. Holy smokes we might have a baby by next Christmas!
I had this moment of panic and asked Roy, "What if we aren't ready?? We could be screwing up kids!! What if they grow up and become crazy, horrible people and everyone will blame me!" Roy said, "Relax, it will be fine. We will be awesome parents. How many books have you read on this baby stuff? 100?" I told him, "134. And it's easy for you to say! The father is never mentioned. EVERYONE BLAMES THE MOTHER!!!" Of course, as always, Roy is my rock and assured me that we were going to be awesome parents, and have adorable babies, and they are all going to grow up to be genuises, doctors, and lawyers. So I'm better now. :)
Roy and I were recently involved in a semi heated debate with some other people about a topic that is quite the 'hot button' topic, but one that I feel very passionately about. I know that not everyone agrees with me, so I don't bring it up unless I'm asked. I have done an increadible amount of research on the topic (as I do before coming to any conclusion about anything), and I feel I'm well versed on the facts. These other people disagreed with Roy and I, so I gave some examples and gave them references as to where I found my information. I was told that 'anyone can find any information supporting their ideas online or in a book.' My wonderful husband that I love so very much told them, "Yes, but that wouldn't make it logically or scientifically sound. We are giving you examples of scientific studies and logical data. There is probably a google page out there saying the sky is green, or a book about how you can cure annirisms with hypnosis. That doesn't make them right." All they had to say....."Ugh. Some people and thier FACTS!" *bink*...... o_O
Anyway, that's us in a nutshell recently. I've lately realized that we will never have a lot of extra money just laying around. Soon after we got married we found out we had fertility problems, and we have been saving for one procedure or another; or one medication or another since then. When we finally do have babies; we will be spending money on taking care of them, putting them through school. Then we will be retired. Thankfully I don't care to much about being rich. Roy and I have always had enough. We have never gone hungry, and we have always had a roof over our head. We have been so immensely blessed and for that I am so thankful. My Heavenly Father may have given me trials I don't understand, but he has blessed me in so many other ways. Things have never been easy for Roy and I, but we have always been happy.
We have been through quite a bit together, and I very much appreciate him always being there for me. He has always been my best friend and my steadfast rock. Every time I've had a bad day; every time we've come home after hearing there's no heartbeat, every time someone has made a hurtful comment, every time we have had to pack up the baby things yet again, every time we are asked if we have kids and someone answers for us 'Oh no, they have dogs instead', every time I was ready to just throw up my hands and be done with it, every time I have close to just snatching someone's baby while they weren't paying attention.... He pulls me into his arms, and I close my eyes and listen to his hearbeat, and everything is okay. I told him today that he can't die before me, because he is what is keeping me from going postal and killing everyone. :)
I had this moment of panic and asked Roy, "What if we aren't ready?? We could be screwing up kids!! What if they grow up and become crazy, horrible people and everyone will blame me!" Roy said, "Relax, it will be fine. We will be awesome parents. How many books have you read on this baby stuff? 100?" I told him, "134. And it's easy for you to say! The father is never mentioned. EVERYONE BLAMES THE MOTHER!!!" Of course, as always, Roy is my rock and assured me that we were going to be awesome parents, and have adorable babies, and they are all going to grow up to be genuises, doctors, and lawyers. So I'm better now. :)
Roy and I were recently involved in a semi heated debate with some other people about a topic that is quite the 'hot button' topic, but one that I feel very passionately about. I know that not everyone agrees with me, so I don't bring it up unless I'm asked. I have done an increadible amount of research on the topic (as I do before coming to any conclusion about anything), and I feel I'm well versed on the facts. These other people disagreed with Roy and I, so I gave some examples and gave them references as to where I found my information. I was told that 'anyone can find any information supporting their ideas online or in a book.' My wonderful husband that I love so very much told them, "Yes, but that wouldn't make it logically or scientifically sound. We are giving you examples of scientific studies and logical data. There is probably a google page out there saying the sky is green, or a book about how you can cure annirisms with hypnosis. That doesn't make them right." All they had to say....."Ugh. Some people and thier FACTS!" *bink*...... o_O
Anyway, that's us in a nutshell recently. I've lately realized that we will never have a lot of extra money just laying around. Soon after we got married we found out we had fertility problems, and we have been saving for one procedure or another; or one medication or another since then. When we finally do have babies; we will be spending money on taking care of them, putting them through school. Then we will be retired. Thankfully I don't care to much about being rich. Roy and I have always had enough. We have never gone hungry, and we have always had a roof over our head. We have been so immensely blessed and for that I am so thankful. My Heavenly Father may have given me trials I don't understand, but he has blessed me in so many other ways. Things have never been easy for Roy and I, but we have always been happy.
We have been through quite a bit together, and I very much appreciate him always being there for me. He has always been my best friend and my steadfast rock. Every time I've had a bad day; every time we've come home after hearing there's no heartbeat, every time someone has made a hurtful comment, every time we have had to pack up the baby things yet again, every time we are asked if we have kids and someone answers for us 'Oh no, they have dogs instead', every time I was ready to just throw up my hands and be done with it, every time I have close to just snatching someone's baby while they weren't paying attention.... He pulls me into his arms, and I close my eyes and listen to his hearbeat, and everything is okay. I told him today that he can't die before me, because he is what is keeping me from going postal and killing everyone. :)
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The things that change when you are trying to get pregnant....
So this post is all about the things that change when you are trying to conceive. Some of them are funny, some of them, not so much.
1. "Hey Roy, you guys want to get in the hot tub?" Roy- "Nope. Hot tubs fry sperm and when your testes are heated to that temperature it can take 6 months for your sperm count and mobility to get back to normal. It also hinders ovulation and can damage a growing embryo. So even though Rachel's probably not pregnant, we don't want to take any chances on the offchance that she is and we just don't know yet. ....A no would have done just fine, huh?" "Ummmm....yeah"
2. I'm horny or I'm in the mood is now, "I'm ovulating"
3. I avoid all caffinated beverages, lunchmeats, tuna, heating pads, aged cheeses, and when exercising avoid letting my heartrate get any higher than 140 bpm, and I take 2 prenatals.
4.He doesn't take hot showers, drinks caffinated beverages when I'm ovulating (gives the swimmers a boost), eats extra celery, takes an extra multivitamin, doesn't wear tight jeans, and gets at least 9 hours of sleep.
5. I turn into a crazy woman the last 2 weeks of my cycle, talking myself into believing that I'm pregnant. Paying attention to every cramp, twinge, or feeling of nausea, or sore bewbies. I usually start taking tests starting 7 days after I ovulate. When they are, of course, negative; I just convince myself that it was too early anyway. Then take another one the next day. :)
6. when I have to fill out forms that ask if I'm pregnant or not, I always debate what to mark. I then start ranting to Roy, "Why don't they have a 'maybe' option?? Why does it have to be yes or no??? They didn't leave spaces for me to explain that I might be but it's too early to test!!!" Roy- "Well that didn't stop you from testing this morning...."
7. My poor husband knows more about getting pregnant than anyone we know, including some of our doctors! Seriously, ask him. He plans his social activities around my ovulation dates. :)
8. I give my body a pep talk when I'm ovulating "Okay, we can do this. The timing of sex was perfect, now it's all up to you, guys. Swim little swimmers, swim!!! Catch that egg, catch that egg, catch that egg!" A couple of days later, "We should be implanting right about now, I've built my uterine lining up nice and thick, so snuggle in there! Give mommy a nice pretty second line in a couple of weeks, okay?"
I'm tired and this is all I can think of. I'll add more when I think of them, goodnight!
1. "Hey Roy, you guys want to get in the hot tub?" Roy- "Nope. Hot tubs fry sperm and when your testes are heated to that temperature it can take 6 months for your sperm count and mobility to get back to normal. It also hinders ovulation and can damage a growing embryo. So even though Rachel's probably not pregnant, we don't want to take any chances on the offchance that she is and we just don't know yet. ....A no would have done just fine, huh?" "Ummmm....yeah"
2. I'm horny or I'm in the mood is now, "I'm ovulating"
3. I avoid all caffinated beverages, lunchmeats, tuna, heating pads, aged cheeses, and when exercising avoid letting my heartrate get any higher than 140 bpm, and I take 2 prenatals.
4.He doesn't take hot showers, drinks caffinated beverages when I'm ovulating (gives the swimmers a boost), eats extra celery, takes an extra multivitamin, doesn't wear tight jeans, and gets at least 9 hours of sleep.
5. I turn into a crazy woman the last 2 weeks of my cycle, talking myself into believing that I'm pregnant. Paying attention to every cramp, twinge, or feeling of nausea, or sore bewbies. I usually start taking tests starting 7 days after I ovulate. When they are, of course, negative; I just convince myself that it was too early anyway. Then take another one the next day. :)
6. when I have to fill out forms that ask if I'm pregnant or not, I always debate what to mark. I then start ranting to Roy, "Why don't they have a 'maybe' option?? Why does it have to be yes or no??? They didn't leave spaces for me to explain that I might be but it's too early to test!!!" Roy- "Well that didn't stop you from testing this morning...."
7. My poor husband knows more about getting pregnant than anyone we know, including some of our doctors! Seriously, ask him. He plans his social activities around my ovulation dates. :)
8. I give my body a pep talk when I'm ovulating "Okay, we can do this. The timing of sex was perfect, now it's all up to you, guys. Swim little swimmers, swim!!! Catch that egg, catch that egg, catch that egg!" A couple of days later, "We should be implanting right about now, I've built my uterine lining up nice and thick, so snuggle in there! Give mommy a nice pretty second line in a couple of weeks, okay?"
I'm tired and this is all I can think of. I'll add more when I think of them, goodnight!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Onward and Upward
Well, we are moving on to a new doctor. We have a couple picked out that we want to go to, and hopefully they will be more aggressive. Our previous doctor was not all that we had hoped. I don't usually call names, but she was an idiot. She was very passive about my care, and pretty much told me that whatever was going on with my body it would probalby just 'work itself out' given enough time.
REALLY??? After 9 failed pregnancies I don't think that my body is just going to 'work itself out'. She was really hesitant to give me any medication, and she only wanted to do one test at a time vs. most of them at one time. I asked if we could do all of the blood tests at one time, so I didn't have to keep going back and forth and getting poked once a week; just do it all in one shot. She said that she wanted to 'evaluate me one stage at a time based on each test result.' Does that even make sense to anyone??
Anyway, on the way out I told her that we would not be scheduling any follow up appointments and that Roy and I wanted to persue other options. She seemed confused but said okay.
So now we get to start all over with another doctor. That means another hour and a half appointment explaining our medical history; waiting forever long to get our medical records transferred (thankyouverymuch tricare), and then the doctor reviewing everything, the 3 of us deciding what the projected path of treament is, and hoping something works.
Soooooo..... keep us in your prayers, and hopefully a fresh perspective will be able to tell us something good! On a better note, I found out about a new program being used called 'Micro-IVF'. There is less medication used, and significantly less cost. We also might be eligable for IUI at Madigan, so we have our fingers crossed! We are waiting to find out more from Madigan and Tricare.
still wishing we could get pregnant on accident,
Rachel
REALLY??? After 9 failed pregnancies I don't think that my body is just going to 'work itself out'. She was really hesitant to give me any medication, and she only wanted to do one test at a time vs. most of them at one time. I asked if we could do all of the blood tests at one time, so I didn't have to keep going back and forth and getting poked once a week; just do it all in one shot. She said that she wanted to 'evaluate me one stage at a time based on each test result.' Does that even make sense to anyone??
Anyway, on the way out I told her that we would not be scheduling any follow up appointments and that Roy and I wanted to persue other options. She seemed confused but said okay.
So now we get to start all over with another doctor. That means another hour and a half appointment explaining our medical history; waiting forever long to get our medical records transferred (thankyouverymuch tricare), and then the doctor reviewing everything, the 3 of us deciding what the projected path of treament is, and hoping something works.
Soooooo..... keep us in your prayers, and hopefully a fresh perspective will be able to tell us something good! On a better note, I found out about a new program being used called 'Micro-IVF'. There is less medication used, and significantly less cost. We also might be eligable for IUI at Madigan, so we have our fingers crossed! We are waiting to find out more from Madigan and Tricare.
still wishing we could get pregnant on accident,
Rachel
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Simple Pleasures :)
Today and yesterday I had a lot of simple pleasure moments. Roy and I woke up Saturday morning and cuddled with our boston terrier in bed for a few min; tickled and wrestled a bit, then packed and left for our road trip to Utah at a leisurely pace. It was nice to just be with each other and just enjoy my husband being next to me and have nothing to hurry up and get ready for.
As you become an adult and get married you have these things called responsibilities. You get up and go to work when you don't feel like it. You wash dishes when you would rather leave them in the sink. You do laundry when you would rather just lay around in your pj's all day. Instead of go out to dinner or a date, you make a special dinner and rent a movie (because you are trying to save up a ridiculous amount of money for IVF to have babies....but I digress). You make car payments and pay the electric bills. You make the bed and walk the dogs.
And I think lately our lives have been nothing but all of that. Just doing grown up things. We haven't stopped to enjoy life's simple pleasures. It doesn't help that we have been dealing with incompetent doctors lately that have screwed a lot of things up. There have been a lot of frustrations and not enough fun. So Saturday we packed our car and got the dogs ready at a leisurely pace. We made sure to eat a good breakfast, and did laundry and dishes before we left. We drove the 14 hours to Utah and talked all the way there. We just enjoyed being together. We could have driven all the way there only to turn around and go back for all I cared. My husband and I were stuck in a car together for 14 hours with nothing to do but talk and play road games. I was happy. :)
We got to Utah at about 6 AM and slept for a couple of hours before waking up and we played games a lot of the day. We took the dogs on a nice, long walk. It was a beautiful day, so we decided to go get drive through for lunch. It really was just an excuse to drive with the windows down singing at the top of our lungs to whatever came up on Roy's ipod.
It was so sunny, and driving the familiar streets was wonderful. We both love this state a lot, and had a fun time remembering when we lived here. We drove around with the music up so loud we were singing at the top of our lungs and we still couldn't hear ourselves. There won't be doing any of that once we have kids, so we are enjoying it now. Something about the sun on our skin, and the wind in our hair, and singing to good music was just bliss. I could have gone on like that forever. I would love to just freeze those 20 min in time and put them in a drawer somewhere to relive over and over again. It was just me, and just him, and we were so happy.
I know when we get home we'll have to get depressed again because we will have to try to get sent to the right doctor; we'll have to tell our story over and over again to doctor after doctor who each has a different suggestion for what we should do to try and get pregnant, we will have to worry about getting Roy in to the chiropractor and massage therapist for his neck, we will worry about trying to save up enough money to hopefully get pregnant, and we will have to clean the house as soon as we get back because we didn't do it before we left. We'll go back to the rain, and the medical referrals, and real life.
But today was a good day. And it's a day that I hope I'll remember for a very long time, until I hold on to the memory of a better day. Today we didn't talk about babies or pregnancy or doctors. We didn't talk about his work or what project he's going to be working on when he gets back. We just held hands and played with the dogs all day. It was wonderful. One of life's simple pleasures that reminded me why I am so happy to spend time and all eternity with my best friend. :)
As you become an adult and get married you have these things called responsibilities. You get up and go to work when you don't feel like it. You wash dishes when you would rather leave them in the sink. You do laundry when you would rather just lay around in your pj's all day. Instead of go out to dinner or a date, you make a special dinner and rent a movie (because you are trying to save up a ridiculous amount of money for IVF to have babies....but I digress). You make car payments and pay the electric bills. You make the bed and walk the dogs.
And I think lately our lives have been nothing but all of that. Just doing grown up things. We haven't stopped to enjoy life's simple pleasures. It doesn't help that we have been dealing with incompetent doctors lately that have screwed a lot of things up. There have been a lot of frustrations and not enough fun. So Saturday we packed our car and got the dogs ready at a leisurely pace. We made sure to eat a good breakfast, and did laundry and dishes before we left. We drove the 14 hours to Utah and talked all the way there. We just enjoyed being together. We could have driven all the way there only to turn around and go back for all I cared. My husband and I were stuck in a car together for 14 hours with nothing to do but talk and play road games. I was happy. :)
We got to Utah at about 6 AM and slept for a couple of hours before waking up and we played games a lot of the day. We took the dogs on a nice, long walk. It was a beautiful day, so we decided to go get drive through for lunch. It really was just an excuse to drive with the windows down singing at the top of our lungs to whatever came up on Roy's ipod.
It was so sunny, and driving the familiar streets was wonderful. We both love this state a lot, and had a fun time remembering when we lived here. We drove around with the music up so loud we were singing at the top of our lungs and we still couldn't hear ourselves. There won't be doing any of that once we have kids, so we are enjoying it now. Something about the sun on our skin, and the wind in our hair, and singing to good music was just bliss. I could have gone on like that forever. I would love to just freeze those 20 min in time and put them in a drawer somewhere to relive over and over again. It was just me, and just him, and we were so happy.
I know when we get home we'll have to get depressed again because we will have to try to get sent to the right doctor; we'll have to tell our story over and over again to doctor after doctor who each has a different suggestion for what we should do to try and get pregnant, we will have to worry about getting Roy in to the chiropractor and massage therapist for his neck, we will worry about trying to save up enough money to hopefully get pregnant, and we will have to clean the house as soon as we get back because we didn't do it before we left. We'll go back to the rain, and the medical referrals, and real life.
But today was a good day. And it's a day that I hope I'll remember for a very long time, until I hold on to the memory of a better day. Today we didn't talk about babies or pregnancy or doctors. We didn't talk about his work or what project he's going to be working on when he gets back. We just held hands and played with the dogs all day. It was wonderful. One of life's simple pleasures that reminded me why I am so happy to spend time and all eternity with my best friend. :)
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Really, really bad day :(
I got a phone call today that a lot of infertile women dread. I pick up the phone, and after realizing it's a friend I haven't spoken to in years she tells me, "I'm pregnant!!!"
Let me back up a little bit and be brutally honest. Us women that can't have children on our own HATE hearing you are pregnant. So please don't blurt it out like that. In reality; when we hear another woman is pregnant, most of us automatically think, "How dare you!?!?! How dare you get pregnant and be happy when I can't??? How dare you flaunt your fertility in my face? Why would you make a better mother than me?? I am so jealous of you right now!!!" And instead we say, "Congratulations! I am so happy for you!"
So when my friend blurted out she was pregnant the most I could muster was, "Wow! Congratultions. Were you trying?" To that she says, "NO! I'm not really sure who the father is. I haven't really been seeing anyone steady. And all of the times that I've had sex in the last year I've been pretty high, so...y'know..."
Of course I have to mute the phone and yell about what a stupid druggie whore she is and how dare she get knocked up while she was high with some random person and my wonderful husband and I have been eating organic and taking suppliments and medication for over 2 years can't have a baby.
Then she gets to the good part. "I actually called you to see if you had any recommendations for parenting a lot of kids. I remembered that your parents had, like, a million kids." I asked if she planned on having a lot of kids, or if she already had several children. "Well...no. I found out today I'm having triplets! Can you believe it? Everone is so excited for how cute they will be! I went down first thing and registered for all kinds of government assistance. I should have gotten knocked up sooner! They give you all kinds of stuff!" I almost threw up. I was livid and horrified and several other emotions I can't even name right now. I said, "Wow. Are you keeping the babies? Have you thought about adoption? 3 babies is a lot to take care of on your own." To which she replied (this is a real gem), "Of course I'm keeping them! They are MY babies! God gave them to me for a reason, right? He doesn't give you anything you can't handle, it says that somewhere in the bible, right? I mean, why should I give up the babies that were given to me just because some miserable couple can't have any? It's not my job to give other people kids." I quickly ended the conversation and hung up the phone, sobbing.
This is why I hate my life. Why does she get babies and I don't? Why can I not even have just one? Why? I don't understand. My husband and I are good people. We got to church, read our scriptures, say our prayres everyday, we do everything we are supposed to do!
I have put my body through hell to get pregnant. I have taken crazy drugs that made me gain weight, lose my hair, given me a thyroid problem, made me sore, made me sick, given me horrible headaches, killed my sex drive, and made me over-emotional. On top of all of that, it has tested the limits of our marriage, our faith, and our bank account. I literally have nothing else to give. There is nothing I have left to offer to get a baby. There is nothing I wouldn't give to be in some people's shoes. I have already shown I will give up anything to get a baby, why isn't that enough? What else will be asked of me?
I am so done with just having faith that God knows what I need and what is best for me, and just trusting that he will do what is best. I want to know why. Why can't we get pregnant on our own? Why does it take $12,000 and 6 medications a day for us to try to get pregnant? Even then we have a 42% chance. What did we do that was so wrong that being parents was taken away from us? I can't think of anything that would be harder for me to handle, why this? Why? When so many people have it so easy, why?
If my Heavenly Father knows me as well as everyone says he does, he knows how much pain I'm in and he knows how hard this is for me. I am a good person. I have been a good person my whole life. I have endured well. But how long am I supposed to go on like this? I'm not a strong enough person to just accept that it's not in the cards for me, and 'just adopt'. Why can't I stay pregnant? Why can't I deliver healthy, screaming babies and take them home; and get up every 3 hours for midnight/early morning feedings? Why can't I stare at my baby in wonder and try to decide who they look more like? Why can't I have ultrasound pictures up on the fridge, or take maternity pictures? Why can't my husband hold my hand as I bring our child into this world? Why am I being deprived of those things? I want to know, I think I deserve an answer. But I just get to sit here and watch everyone else get pregnant and have healthy babies, with an empty nursery and baby clothes in boxes, and empty arms. How is that fair?
Sorry about my ramblings, it's just a sad day in the Dawson house...
Everyone please listen to this song. It really expresses how I feel better than I can, it's only 4.5 min long.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ
with love,
the bitter, infertile, pregnant woman hater
Let me back up a little bit and be brutally honest. Us women that can't have children on our own HATE hearing you are pregnant. So please don't blurt it out like that. In reality; when we hear another woman is pregnant, most of us automatically think, "How dare you!?!?! How dare you get pregnant and be happy when I can't??? How dare you flaunt your fertility in my face? Why would you make a better mother than me?? I am so jealous of you right now!!!" And instead we say, "Congratulations! I am so happy for you!"
So when my friend blurted out she was pregnant the most I could muster was, "Wow! Congratultions. Were you trying?" To that she says, "NO! I'm not really sure who the father is. I haven't really been seeing anyone steady. And all of the times that I've had sex in the last year I've been pretty high, so...y'know..."
Of course I have to mute the phone and yell about what a stupid druggie whore she is and how dare she get knocked up while she was high with some random person and my wonderful husband and I have been eating organic and taking suppliments and medication for over 2 years can't have a baby.
Then she gets to the good part. "I actually called you to see if you had any recommendations for parenting a lot of kids. I remembered that your parents had, like, a million kids." I asked if she planned on having a lot of kids, or if she already had several children. "Well...no. I found out today I'm having triplets! Can you believe it? Everone is so excited for how cute they will be! I went down first thing and registered for all kinds of government assistance. I should have gotten knocked up sooner! They give you all kinds of stuff!" I almost threw up. I was livid and horrified and several other emotions I can't even name right now. I said, "Wow. Are you keeping the babies? Have you thought about adoption? 3 babies is a lot to take care of on your own." To which she replied (this is a real gem), "Of course I'm keeping them! They are MY babies! God gave them to me for a reason, right? He doesn't give you anything you can't handle, it says that somewhere in the bible, right? I mean, why should I give up the babies that were given to me just because some miserable couple can't have any? It's not my job to give other people kids." I quickly ended the conversation and hung up the phone, sobbing.
This is why I hate my life. Why does she get babies and I don't? Why can I not even have just one? Why? I don't understand. My husband and I are good people. We got to church, read our scriptures, say our prayres everyday, we do everything we are supposed to do!
I have put my body through hell to get pregnant. I have taken crazy drugs that made me gain weight, lose my hair, given me a thyroid problem, made me sore, made me sick, given me horrible headaches, killed my sex drive, and made me over-emotional. On top of all of that, it has tested the limits of our marriage, our faith, and our bank account. I literally have nothing else to give. There is nothing I have left to offer to get a baby. There is nothing I wouldn't give to be in some people's shoes. I have already shown I will give up anything to get a baby, why isn't that enough? What else will be asked of me?
I am so done with just having faith that God knows what I need and what is best for me, and just trusting that he will do what is best. I want to know why. Why can't we get pregnant on our own? Why does it take $12,000 and 6 medications a day for us to try to get pregnant? Even then we have a 42% chance. What did we do that was so wrong that being parents was taken away from us? I can't think of anything that would be harder for me to handle, why this? Why? When so many people have it so easy, why?
If my Heavenly Father knows me as well as everyone says he does, he knows how much pain I'm in and he knows how hard this is for me. I am a good person. I have been a good person my whole life. I have endured well. But how long am I supposed to go on like this? I'm not a strong enough person to just accept that it's not in the cards for me, and 'just adopt'. Why can't I stay pregnant? Why can't I deliver healthy, screaming babies and take them home; and get up every 3 hours for midnight/early morning feedings? Why can't I stare at my baby in wonder and try to decide who they look more like? Why can't I have ultrasound pictures up on the fridge, or take maternity pictures? Why can't my husband hold my hand as I bring our child into this world? Why am I being deprived of those things? I want to know, I think I deserve an answer. But I just get to sit here and watch everyone else get pregnant and have healthy babies, with an empty nursery and baby clothes in boxes, and empty arms. How is that fair?
Sorry about my ramblings, it's just a sad day in the Dawson house...
Everyone please listen to this song. It really expresses how I feel better than I can, it's only 4.5 min long.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ
with love,
the bitter, infertile, pregnant woman hater
Ways to get rid of solicitors...
WAYS TO GET RID OF TELEPHONE SOLICITORS
-"So what are you wearing?"
-talk very quietly and then without warning, scream as loud as you can into the phone.
-"you'll have to excuse me, my armpit is on fire."
-"I'm sorry, but this phone is for personal calls only. The boss won't let us use it for business."
- Respond to their questions with fax/modem noises.
-"Have you heard about that study showing that it causes impotence to sit all day with a telephone receiver next to your head?"
-When they ask to speak with you, say "Just a moment." and give the phone to your child to carry on the conversation.
-Pretend to be very interested in their product and then quite calmly and earnestly inquire, "Yes, but can it make a six minute casserole?"
-"I am truly sorry, but the moon is still in the seventh house of Pluto and my astrologer would just die if he knew I was talking to a salesperson during this solar phase."
-"This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording."
-Oh, it’s you again. I was hoping you’d call back. The better business people said I need more positive identification to file my complaint. Now first let me have your name and telephone number…
-When they ask “How are you today?” Tell them! “I’m so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died....”
-If they say they’re John doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
-Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my gosh! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
-If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends.....would you be my friend?”
-If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
-Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you a case of soda and some chips.
-After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
-Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel! “ Say goodbye and hang up.
-Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
-Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
DOOR TO DOOR SOLICITORS
-Post a sign that solicitors will be shot.
-If they ask if you have found Jesus yet, explain that you have found Satan and think he's cooler than this Jesus guy.
-Answer the door naked. Sex toy in your hand is optional.
-Open the door, scream, slam the door.
-Install a trap door.
-Answer the door with, "So you're here for the orgy then?"
-Don't answer the door, but be obviously home. I usually turn the TV up a bit or make some noise cleaning something.
-Tell them your husband doesn't let you talk to strangers.
-Stare at them without saying a word. Try not to blink, it's even more effective that way.
-Stare at them while muttering to yourself.
-Learn an obscure language and yell in it.
-"Oh I so do love it when you people come by. Come, let me show you my knife collection in the basement."
-Try to sell THEM something. I suggest your children or sexual favors.
-Learn a few phrases in another language. But make it a difficult, fairly obscure language. Something not commonly heard in your area. When approached, begin babbling the phrases you memorized.
If you can, get a pen and paper and attempt to draw your message. Draw a confusing picture of what appears to be the Mona Lisa being carted off by aliens or leprechauns feasting upon a dead Yeti.
Then hold up the picture and continue babbling the memorized phrases. Open your eyes wide and wave around a hand.
They will think you are insane and it will be good entertainment for anyone watching who knows that you are 1) Most certainly an English speaker and 2) Have not encountered art loving aliens or Yeti recently.
Feel free to share your own tips on getting rid of solicitors! :)
With love,
the woman who is glad she lives in a gated community where the solicitors can't come. :D
-"So what are you wearing?"
-talk very quietly and then without warning, scream as loud as you can into the phone.
-"you'll have to excuse me, my armpit is on fire."
-"I'm sorry, but this phone is for personal calls only. The boss won't let us use it for business."
- Respond to their questions with fax/modem noises.
-"Have you heard about that study showing that it causes impotence to sit all day with a telephone receiver next to your head?"
-When they ask to speak with you, say "Just a moment." and give the phone to your child to carry on the conversation.
-Pretend to be very interested in their product and then quite calmly and earnestly inquire, "Yes, but can it make a six minute casserole?"
-"I am truly sorry, but the moon is still in the seventh house of Pluto and my astrologer would just die if he knew I was talking to a salesperson during this solar phase."
-"This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording."
-Oh, it’s you again. I was hoping you’d call back. The better business people said I need more positive identification to file my complaint. Now first let me have your name and telephone number…
-When they ask “How are you today?” Tell them! “I’m so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died....”
-If they say they’re John doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
-Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my gosh! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
-If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends.....would you be my friend?”
-If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
-Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you a case of soda and some chips.
-After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
-Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel! “ Say goodbye and hang up.
-Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
-Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
DOOR TO DOOR SOLICITORS
-Post a sign that solicitors will be shot.
-If they ask if you have found Jesus yet, explain that you have found Satan and think he's cooler than this Jesus guy.
-Answer the door naked. Sex toy in your hand is optional.
-Open the door, scream, slam the door.
-Install a trap door.
-Answer the door with, "So you're here for the orgy then?"
-Don't answer the door, but be obviously home. I usually turn the TV up a bit or make some noise cleaning something.
-Tell them your husband doesn't let you talk to strangers.
-Stare at them without saying a word. Try not to blink, it's even more effective that way.
-Stare at them while muttering to yourself.
-Learn an obscure language and yell in it.
-"Oh I so do love it when you people come by. Come, let me show you my knife collection in the basement."
-Try to sell THEM something. I suggest your children or sexual favors.
-Learn a few phrases in another language. But make it a difficult, fairly obscure language. Something not commonly heard in your area. When approached, begin babbling the phrases you memorized.
If you can, get a pen and paper and attempt to draw your message. Draw a confusing picture of what appears to be the Mona Lisa being carted off by aliens or leprechauns feasting upon a dead Yeti.
Then hold up the picture and continue babbling the memorized phrases. Open your eyes wide and wave around a hand.
They will think you are insane and it will be good entertainment for anyone watching who knows that you are 1) Most certainly an English speaker and 2) Have not encountered art loving aliens or Yeti recently.
Feel free to share your own tips on getting rid of solicitors! :)
With love,
the woman who is glad she lives in a gated community where the solicitors can't come. :D
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
How I love thee, let me count the ways...
This post is dedicated to my husband. He is such an awesome guy, I am so happy I married him. So I am going to list the reasons why I love him, so if he wants to he can print them off and have them with him, or go back and read them; or I can come back and read them when I want to strangle him in his sleep. ;)
-I love him because we have been through enough crap and I know without a doubt that he will be there for me no matter what. He's not going to run when things get hard, or when life doesn't go as we planned.
-I love him because he shares my views on stupid people, and the frustrate him maybe more than they frustrate me.
-I love him because even though we have absolutely nothing in common, it somehow works. Seriously, nothing in common. People are baffled by how we dated for years and are still married years later. I guess it works for us. :)
-I love him because even though he had a very good job that payed very well, he wanted to serve his country and joined the military. So, we make life work on $2,000 less a month while trying to save up the $10,000 to have a baby. And I couldn't be more proud of him.
-I love him because he is so accommodating of my fears. He doesn't make me go out in the dark, and doesn't laugh at me because I am afraid of moths. He respects that I am horribly afraid of dead things, so we don't go fishing; or eat crustaceans, and he cleaned up the shrews and mice our cat brought us.
-I love him because I know I am safe with him. I know my secrets are safe; I know my insecurities are safe, and I know that he will keep me safe from harm. Most of all I know my words are safe with him. He will never repeat what I tell him in confidence, and he will never speak ill of me behind my back or allow anyone else to do so.
-I love him because no matter what, we are a team. He doesn't go anywhere I'm not invited, and he doesn't keep friends that done like me (and vise verse). If we have made a decision, I know that we are united no matter what. No matter who's idea it was, once we have decided something it's a done deal.
-I love him because he sends me cute/sexy messages throughout the day. It lets me know he is thinking about me and I like it. :)
-I love him because he never says "I told you so". There have been times where he could have, and it would have been deserved, but he never has. I really appreciate that I can count on him not throwing it in my face that I was wrong.
-I love him because he puts up with my dogs. If you ask Roy, he will not hesitate to tell you that he only wanted ONE dog. But both our male and female dachshunds were in a bad situation and had been together their entire lives (they are 7 and 8 now). They both needed to be rescued, but it was preferred they were kept together. He reluctantly agreed that we could get both of them. When we got them they were severely abused, and Buddy was almost dead from malnutrition. It took us years to train them out of the abuse, and we are still working on several things. They have always frustrated us to no end, especially Roy. They have destroyed carpets and his electronics, and ran away more times than I could count that first year. But he has never told me I needed to get rid of them or tried to get rid of them behind my back.
-I love him because he has never forced me to do anything I don't want to do. He never makes me feel like I have to do anything. He is very much my equal and never forces me to do anything.
-I love him because every time we have lost a baby, or every time I see that one lonely line on the pregnancy test; he always tells me that the only thing he needs to be happy is me. That he didn't marry for my reproductive capabilities; and that even if we grow old together, having never had children, he will still be happy he married me and not had it any other way. :)
I could go on, but I'm getting really tired. It's 1 AM so I'd better get some sleep. In short, my husband is the best ever. :D
-I love him because we have been through enough crap and I know without a doubt that he will be there for me no matter what. He's not going to run when things get hard, or when life doesn't go as we planned.
-I love him because he shares my views on stupid people, and the frustrate him maybe more than they frustrate me.
-I love him because even though we have absolutely nothing in common, it somehow works. Seriously, nothing in common. People are baffled by how we dated for years and are still married years later. I guess it works for us. :)
-I love him because even though he had a very good job that payed very well, he wanted to serve his country and joined the military. So, we make life work on $2,000 less a month while trying to save up the $10,000 to have a baby. And I couldn't be more proud of him.
-I love him because he is so accommodating of my fears. He doesn't make me go out in the dark, and doesn't laugh at me because I am afraid of moths. He respects that I am horribly afraid of dead things, so we don't go fishing; or eat crustaceans, and he cleaned up the shrews and mice our cat brought us.
-I love him because I know I am safe with him. I know my secrets are safe; I know my insecurities are safe, and I know that he will keep me safe from harm. Most of all I know my words are safe with him. He will never repeat what I tell him in confidence, and he will never speak ill of me behind my back or allow anyone else to do so.
-I love him because no matter what, we are a team. He doesn't go anywhere I'm not invited, and he doesn't keep friends that done like me (and vise verse). If we have made a decision, I know that we are united no matter what. No matter who's idea it was, once we have decided something it's a done deal.
-I love him because he sends me cute/sexy messages throughout the day. It lets me know he is thinking about me and I like it. :)
-I love him because he never says "I told you so". There have been times where he could have, and it would have been deserved, but he never has. I really appreciate that I can count on him not throwing it in my face that I was wrong.
-I love him because he puts up with my dogs. If you ask Roy, he will not hesitate to tell you that he only wanted ONE dog. But both our male and female dachshunds were in a bad situation and had been together their entire lives (they are 7 and 8 now). They both needed to be rescued, but it was preferred they were kept together. He reluctantly agreed that we could get both of them. When we got them they were severely abused, and Buddy was almost dead from malnutrition. It took us years to train them out of the abuse, and we are still working on several things. They have always frustrated us to no end, especially Roy. They have destroyed carpets and his electronics, and ran away more times than I could count that first year. But he has never told me I needed to get rid of them or tried to get rid of them behind my back.
-I love him because he has never forced me to do anything I don't want to do. He never makes me feel like I have to do anything. He is very much my equal and never forces me to do anything.
-I love him because every time we have lost a baby, or every time I see that one lonely line on the pregnancy test; he always tells me that the only thing he needs to be happy is me. That he didn't marry for my reproductive capabilities; and that even if we grow old together, having never had children, he will still be happy he married me and not had it any other way. :)
I could go on, but I'm getting really tired. It's 1 AM so I'd better get some sleep. In short, my husband is the best ever. :D
Friday, September 3, 2010
Things you should never say to a woman trying to conceive....
So these are things you shouldn't say to a woman while she's trying to get pregnant. I'm going to post under them what Roy and I usually say back to them.
Just relax! Don't think about it, and it will happen.
Yes, if you are under extreme amounts of stress it will throw off your ovulation, and even delay/stop your period. But can you relax on command? When you are obsessed with getting something it seems you will never have, do you automatically relax when strangers tell you to? Hrm? I DIDN'T THINK SO!!!! But you are probably right. If I just relax my uterus will magically unfold, and I will be able to carry a baby to term, and we will magically figure out what the heck is wrong with us and be able to have a baby. Why didn't anyone tell us to just relax before??
Maybe you're doing it wrong.
This one is mostly said in jest, and has been one of the most hurtful. When people say this I usually look at Roy and say, "Well, we are trying right now!" (motioning at us holding hands). "My daddy said that holding hands with boys makes you pregnant. I don't understand why it's not happening....we hold hands whenever we are together, and it's not working!!!
OR
We know how it's done, stupid. But thanks. Would you like me to explain in detail how we do it so maybe you can critique us and give us some pointers? Maybe some pictures, too? No? Oh...that was a little personal, huh? Sorry, your rude comment totally threw me off..
Roy usually asks the person to explain to him in detail how THEY do it, so maybe we can try that. We have had people tell us to just get really drunk, that's how all of their kids were conceived! (don't think I haven't thought about it).
Everything happens for a reason.
Really? So what is the reason we can't have children? Can you tell me? If you got fired should you not go out and look for another job? I mean, there must be a reason as to why you don't have a job anymore, right? What is the reason there are 1.27 million abortions performed in the US every year and we can't have ONE baby. Would you mind explaining that to me? And people that get cancer, what is the reason for that? Would you tell them that everything happens for a reason? No, that would be rude and tactless. How about I punch you in the face? And I'll give you the reason why as well, take out some of the guesswork for ya. Idiot.
There are worse things that could happen.
Yeah. I tell myself that every month when I see that lonely one line. And every time the doctor tells me my HCG levels are dropping drastically and the pregnancy is no longer viable. I tell myself at least I have an amazing husband who loves and supports me. I tell myself that I have a good life, and that if we have to adopt I can live with that. I tell myself that I have plenty of things to be happy about. Then I cry and stuff my face with chocolate. And cry some more. I try not to focus on the fact that EVERYONE around me is having babies/pregnant. I try not to focus on the fact that if my husband had married someone else he could have all the babies he wanted by now. I try not to focus on the fact that every month I am not pregnant I get more and more bitter and less hopeful. But thanks.
At least you are having fun trying!
Yeah....no. How about you pee on a stick, take your temperature, touch your cervix, and study your cervical mucus to help you decide if it's time to have sex or not. Then tell me it's fun. Have sex every other day or so, and then every day around ovulation time (depending on sperm count) and tell me it's fun. Yeah, the first 6 months or so were awesome! Now? Not so much. Scheduled sex gets old real fast. Real romantic.
My kids are driving me crazy!! Why don't you take them??
I want to be a parent, not a babysitter. I don't want to take your children who have grown up with parenting we don't agree with. I don't want your preteens and teenagers. Offer me your baby, we've got something to talk about. People look honestly surprised when I tell them, "I don't want your children." If Roy is in a particularly bad mood he will tell you, "We are infertile, but we still have standards." <- did I marry an awesome guy or what?
You're so lucky you get to sleep in/travel/stay out late!
Actually, I am very much looking forward to my life being turned upside down by a little person we have wanted desperately for years, thankyouverymuch. I would never leave my house ever again if that meant I could have children. I don't need the outside world. I don't need to travel. Having children changes you, and we are looking forward to that. I feel a lot of things right now. Lucky is not one of them.
You only look that good because you haven't had kids yet.
I have given birth, actually. Usually responded by, "Oh, I thought you didn't have children." "We don't. Roy and I have no living children. That doesn't mean that I haven't carried a pregnancy long enough to have to give birth to a baby I didn't get to take home." People are usually really embarrassed right about then. They stumble all over themselves apologizing and telling me that it will happen someday. Yeah, thanks a lot.
It's simple, just adopt!
Anyone who knows anything about adoption would NEVER call anything about it simple. Adoption feels very much like starting all over again. There is all the doctor visits, the paperwork, the waiting, the anxiety, the worry, the insane costs...
Depending on how well we know the person we will say that we actually have tried adoption, and after finally getting picked we sent our birth mother a LOT of money to support her, only for her to back out right before she was supposed to come here to have the baby. So she got a lot of money AND a baby. And she didn't have to give any of it back because it was a 'gift'. People wait years for adoption to go through, and it actually costs more than fertility treatments unless you know someone looking to put their baby up for adoption.
I think you should (insert unsolicited advice here).
There have been a lot of suggestions. Getting drunk; stop trying, taking supplements, start exercising, stop exercising, go to this or that doctor, have sex in the car, or even "did you know that there are only a couple of days that you are fertile? It's right in the middle of your cycle and you should have sex a lot then. You'll get pregnant in no time!" Sure. Thanks. (eye roll) I know more about your reproductive system than you do, and my doctor knows more about fertility than you ever will, so I think I'm in good hands. Thanks.
My husband looks at me funny and I get pregnant!
I usually just say, "That's not actually how it's done. You should get that looked at." I realize you are just trying to make conversation, but please don't throw your fertility in my face. Or as we've been told before, "Man, we can't stop getting pregnant! It's my armor piercing sperm." (said with puffed up chest). Thanks for trying to emasculate my husband, but his sperm is not our problem. It's my uterus. I still hate you.
Why do you even want to have children when there are so many kids in need of homes?
There are kids in the foster system, yes. But they are available for fostering. Not adoption. We would have them for a couple of months before they went back to their families; and the overpopulation in third world countries does not influence my decision to have children.Why don't YOU do your part? How many children have you adopted/fostered? None? Oh. Huh...
In non-fertility news, I don't understand why my dogs like to eat poop! We give them the anti-stool eating medicine and that helps. But other dogs poop in our yard and they eat it! Ugh!! There aren't many things worse than your puppy coming up and happily licking your face before you realize their breath reeks of feces. Yup. It's awesome. So if anyone has any suggestions let me know!
Just relax! Don't think about it, and it will happen.
Yes, if you are under extreme amounts of stress it will throw off your ovulation, and even delay/stop your period. But can you relax on command? When you are obsessed with getting something it seems you will never have, do you automatically relax when strangers tell you to? Hrm? I DIDN'T THINK SO!!!! But you are probably right. If I just relax my uterus will magically unfold, and I will be able to carry a baby to term, and we will magically figure out what the heck is wrong with us and be able to have a baby. Why didn't anyone tell us to just relax before??
Maybe you're doing it wrong.
This one is mostly said in jest, and has been one of the most hurtful. When people say this I usually look at Roy and say, "Well, we are trying right now!" (motioning at us holding hands). "My daddy said that holding hands with boys makes you pregnant. I don't understand why it's not happening....we hold hands whenever we are together, and it's not working!!!
OR
We know how it's done, stupid. But thanks. Would you like me to explain in detail how we do it so maybe you can critique us and give us some pointers? Maybe some pictures, too? No? Oh...that was a little personal, huh? Sorry, your rude comment totally threw me off..
Roy usually asks the person to explain to him in detail how THEY do it, so maybe we can try that. We have had people tell us to just get really drunk, that's how all of their kids were conceived! (don't think I haven't thought about it).
Everything happens for a reason.
Really? So what is the reason we can't have children? Can you tell me? If you got fired should you not go out and look for another job? I mean, there must be a reason as to why you don't have a job anymore, right? What is the reason there are 1.27 million abortions performed in the US every year and we can't have ONE baby. Would you mind explaining that to me? And people that get cancer, what is the reason for that? Would you tell them that everything happens for a reason? No, that would be rude and tactless. How about I punch you in the face? And I'll give you the reason why as well, take out some of the guesswork for ya. Idiot.
There are worse things that could happen.
Yeah. I tell myself that every month when I see that lonely one line. And every time the doctor tells me my HCG levels are dropping drastically and the pregnancy is no longer viable. I tell myself at least I have an amazing husband who loves and supports me. I tell myself that I have a good life, and that if we have to adopt I can live with that. I tell myself that I have plenty of things to be happy about. Then I cry and stuff my face with chocolate. And cry some more. I try not to focus on the fact that EVERYONE around me is having babies/pregnant. I try not to focus on the fact that if my husband had married someone else he could have all the babies he wanted by now. I try not to focus on the fact that every month I am not pregnant I get more and more bitter and less hopeful. But thanks.
At least you are having fun trying!
Yeah....no. How about you pee on a stick, take your temperature, touch your cervix, and study your cervical mucus to help you decide if it's time to have sex or not. Then tell me it's fun. Have sex every other day or so, and then every day around ovulation time (depending on sperm count) and tell me it's fun. Yeah, the first 6 months or so were awesome! Now? Not so much. Scheduled sex gets old real fast. Real romantic.
My kids are driving me crazy!! Why don't you take them??
I want to be a parent, not a babysitter. I don't want to take your children who have grown up with parenting we don't agree with. I don't want your preteens and teenagers. Offer me your baby, we've got something to talk about. People look honestly surprised when I tell them, "I don't want your children." If Roy is in a particularly bad mood he will tell you, "We are infertile, but we still have standards." <- did I marry an awesome guy or what?
You're so lucky you get to sleep in/travel/stay out late!
Actually, I am very much looking forward to my life being turned upside down by a little person we have wanted desperately for years, thankyouverymuch. I would never leave my house ever again if that meant I could have children. I don't need the outside world. I don't need to travel. Having children changes you, and we are looking forward to that. I feel a lot of things right now. Lucky is not one of them.
You only look that good because you haven't had kids yet.
I have given birth, actually. Usually responded by, "Oh, I thought you didn't have children." "We don't. Roy and I have no living children. That doesn't mean that I haven't carried a pregnancy long enough to have to give birth to a baby I didn't get to take home." People are usually really embarrassed right about then. They stumble all over themselves apologizing and telling me that it will happen someday. Yeah, thanks a lot.
It's simple, just adopt!
Anyone who knows anything about adoption would NEVER call anything about it simple. Adoption feels very much like starting all over again. There is all the doctor visits, the paperwork, the waiting, the anxiety, the worry, the insane costs...
Depending on how well we know the person we will say that we actually have tried adoption, and after finally getting picked we sent our birth mother a LOT of money to support her, only for her to back out right before she was supposed to come here to have the baby. So she got a lot of money AND a baby. And she didn't have to give any of it back because it was a 'gift'. People wait years for adoption to go through, and it actually costs more than fertility treatments unless you know someone looking to put their baby up for adoption.
I think you should (insert unsolicited advice here).
There have been a lot of suggestions. Getting drunk; stop trying, taking supplements, start exercising, stop exercising, go to this or that doctor, have sex in the car, or even "did you know that there are only a couple of days that you are fertile? It's right in the middle of your cycle and you should have sex a lot then. You'll get pregnant in no time!" Sure. Thanks. (eye roll) I know more about your reproductive system than you do, and my doctor knows more about fertility than you ever will, so I think I'm in good hands. Thanks.
My husband looks at me funny and I get pregnant!
I usually just say, "That's not actually how it's done. You should get that looked at." I realize you are just trying to make conversation, but please don't throw your fertility in my face. Or as we've been told before, "Man, we can't stop getting pregnant! It's my armor piercing sperm." (said with puffed up chest). Thanks for trying to emasculate my husband, but his sperm is not our problem. It's my uterus. I still hate you.
Why do you even want to have children when there are so many kids in need of homes?
There are kids in the foster system, yes. But they are available for fostering. Not adoption. We would have them for a couple of months before they went back to their families; and the overpopulation in third world countries does not influence my decision to have children.Why don't YOU do your part? How many children have you adopted/fostered? None? Oh. Huh...
In non-fertility news, I don't understand why my dogs like to eat poop! We give them the anti-stool eating medicine and that helps. But other dogs poop in our yard and they eat it! Ugh!! There aren't many things worse than your puppy coming up and happily licking your face before you realize their breath reeks of feces. Yup. It's awesome. So if anyone has any suggestions let me know!
our life, unedited
Well, I'm finally hopping on the blogging bandwagon. It really is more for me than anyone else, but if other people want to read about my life that's fine too. :)
My husband and I have been married for 2 years and 3 months. My husband, Roy, has Aspergers and I am infertile. We have 3 dogs; 2 miniature dachshunds named Buddy and Bambi, and a Boston Terrier named Miho. We have no children (in case you missed the part about me being infertile), but have been hoping for a baby for about as long as we have been married.
You kind of go through stages when you start trying to get pregnant. At first you are so excited. You keep thinking about how this time next year you will either be HUGE or have a baby. You get all giddy thinking about how it will change your life; what you will name him/her, how cute your baby will be, if it will be a boy or a girl....the list goes on. You touch as many pregnant bellies and hold as many babies as possible. You probably don't know about ovulation and cervical mucus and peak time, and optimal positions, and taking your temperature every morning at 6, touching your own cervix every 4-6 hours to see if it is 'high and soft' indicating ovulation, the temp. your bath/showers should be so as not to kill sperm, and modifying your diet in order to create an optimal conception experience. You just have sex a lot, and if you are sick when you are ovulating, or visiting family, or tired, or just 'not feeling it'; you don't worry about it. You are naive and think that you have plenty of time, and one month of skipping ovulation day isn't a big deal. If you are fertile (we hate you, just so you know) you will conceive within the first few months of tyring. With Roy and I; we agreed to not prevent and just let nature take it's course. If it happened, it happened. Roy and I both had good jobs, and felt we were financially secure enough to bring a child into the world. Unbeknown to my poor husband, we were actually trying. Very hard. I would religiously chart and temp and check my cervix waiting to ovulate, and jump him when I knew I was ovulating. He had no idea everything was carefully timed (sorry you had to find out this way, honey)and I wasn't as relaxed as he was about getting pregnant. I had baby fever BAD, and I was determined!
We conceived soon after that, and were ecstatic! I called my doctor, and she told me that she didn't want to see me until week 8 or 9, so we made an appointment for 8weeks 4days. I was always touching my tummy and talking to our baby. I instantly stopped eating lunch meat, tuna & seafood, any caffinated beverages, and restricted my exercise. I took my prenatal every morning, and couldn't wait to see the baby on the ultrasound. We talked about names and baby products, and started collecting baby stuff. 2 weeks later I started cramping. I thought nothing of it, I googled it and all of the thousands of books I had read said that cramping was normal the first trimester and especially the first pregnancy, as your uterus was stretching in a way it hadn't before. 3 days later I started bleeding. A lot. The cramping became unbearable and I was vomiting a lot. I passed several clots of tissue, and there was no question what was happening inside me. I was devastated, sobbing for weeks. The doctor confirmed that my body had passed everything, and encouraged me to try again immediately. I also knew that over 75% of first pregnancies ended in miscarriage, and was convinced that it was just an unlucky fluke.
Once you hit about 6-8 months of trying you start to wonder if maybe their is something wrong. By now you have probably googled it and found that the average, healthy couple will conceive in approx. 6 months. You start to get anxious and you try harder. It doesn't matter if you are tired, or 'not feeling up to it'. If you are ovulating, you stick to your schedule like a crazy person. You ask strangers if you can hold their baby, and you walk through the baby section of every store you shop at.
Once you hit the year mark it is very hard. That is the point when it is suggested to go see a doctor if you haven't had a successful pregnancy. It is so defeating and depressing. I never thought I'd be sitting in a fertility specialist's office 1 year and 3 miscarriages later. I felt broken. I felt mad. Why were crack whores that left their babies in trash cans able to have countless children, but I was unable to have one? We were stable and loved each other very much. Our marriage was awesome, and we wanted a baby more than anything. We had spent a fortune on pregnancy tests and ovulation predictor tests. I had spent countless hours reading textbooks and self help guides on getting pregnant and increasing your fertility. I was ready to be a mom, and Roy was ready to be a dad. We felt ready to have a baby. Wasn't my body made to do this? Why couldn't I be one of those women that had to worry about if their birth control would work? Heck, why couldn't I be excited when I got a positive pregnancy test? Instead I felt fear, and my husband would tell me, "Okay...let's not get too excited yet..."
There are so many emotions associated with going to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. You fully expect for them to tell you in that visit what is wrong with you and give you a shot or have you take pills to fix it. Then you can get pregnant on your own like the rest of the world and not feel like there is something wrong with you. Instead, it is an hour long meeting about your history. You sit there answering questions you never expected to be asked and talk about things that would make you blush in any other circumstance. You talk about how often you have sex and what position. You talk about your cervical mucus and the position of your cervix. You talk about your period and your menstrual cycle. You go over every place your husband has worked and every injury he has ever had. You go over family history and your medical records. And you might start to plan what to do next. You leave with no real answers, and you leave feeling no better than when you walked in.
When you hit that year is when most people start to feel resentment and bitterness. You feel angry, and think "why me?" more times in the day than you pee. Every pregnant woman makes you mad you don't want to have anything to do with other people's babies. You don't want any reminders that the rest of the world is out there getting pregnant on accident and having healthy babies while you are broken and unable to do any of that no matter how hard you try. You snap at people who ask when you are going to have a baby, and you are rude to pregnant women. You cry. A lot. You do the 'baby dance' whether you are sick, tired, at someone else's house, at work, in the car, it doesn't matter. You become desperate. The reality sets in that you might never be pregnant. That you might never have a baby, and compare who he/she looks most like. And that is a hard pill to swallow.
Once you hit 18 months you start to lose hope. You look into IUI, IVF, adoption, egg/sperm donors, and whatever medication you can get your hands on. Your RE's office knows you by name and has your menstrual cycle memorized. You have to make a lot of difficult decisions. It seems like EVERYONE is pregnant, and that makes you angry and bitter. You see happy pregnant woman and you want to punch them in the face. You see pregnant teenagers and your blood boils, you want to scream their fertility makes you so mad! You go home and cry instead.
18 months was very hard for us. It was almost like we didn't know what to do with each other. We didn't intent to go this long without having children. Our life plans were being crushed in a major way. Were we going to be that couple? The childless couple at family events? The couple who didn't coo and smile at babies or touch pregnant women's bellies. The couple who everyone asked expectantly if they planned on having children.
Our families never really had fertility problems, so when we hadn't had kids yet people assumed we didn't want them yet/at all. People told us we were being selfish; and that we shouldn't wait until we were in a good place financially to have children (which I wholeheartedly disagree with), that there was 'no right time to have a baby', and went on and on about what a joy children were. It seemed people had no filter when it came to the childless couple. People said things that left me in tears. Did I have to wear a t-shirt? Did I have to announce at the beginning of every conversation that we had suffered 5 miscarriages by now and had spent more on trying to have a baby than they had on their car? That we desperately wanted a house full of children, but it felt like God didn't see fit to make us parents?
I started using snarky comebacks for people's comments. I asked a women if she would normally ask about my vagina or my husband's testicles? No? Then why did she think it was okay to ask about our reproductive habits or why we didn't want children? If I was in a bad mood I would be honest and tell people that we had spent more than their car was worth on trying to have a baby, and we had lost 5 babies already. But thanks for assuming.
It is not an easy thing to be looking at spending $20,000-$90,000 to adopt or spend $10,000 for IVF, and then have people complain about an unplanned pregnancy; and all people seem to be able to tell you is about how someone they know couldn't have kids either but they miraculously got pregnant anyway and the baby is fine and healthy.
Soooooo....this has turned into more of a rant than than anything else....but it's my blog and my life. So there ya have it. Us in a nutshell.
Goodnight!
Love,
the bitter, infertile woman
My husband and I have been married for 2 years and 3 months. My husband, Roy, has Aspergers and I am infertile. We have 3 dogs; 2 miniature dachshunds named Buddy and Bambi, and a Boston Terrier named Miho. We have no children (in case you missed the part about me being infertile), but have been hoping for a baby for about as long as we have been married.
You kind of go through stages when you start trying to get pregnant. At first you are so excited. You keep thinking about how this time next year you will either be HUGE or have a baby. You get all giddy thinking about how it will change your life; what you will name him/her, how cute your baby will be, if it will be a boy or a girl....the list goes on. You touch as many pregnant bellies and hold as many babies as possible. You probably don't know about ovulation and cervical mucus and peak time, and optimal positions, and taking your temperature every morning at 6, touching your own cervix every 4-6 hours to see if it is 'high and soft' indicating ovulation, the temp. your bath/showers should be so as not to kill sperm, and modifying your diet in order to create an optimal conception experience. You just have sex a lot, and if you are sick when you are ovulating, or visiting family, or tired, or just 'not feeling it'; you don't worry about it. You are naive and think that you have plenty of time, and one month of skipping ovulation day isn't a big deal. If you are fertile (we hate you, just so you know) you will conceive within the first few months of tyring. With Roy and I; we agreed to not prevent and just let nature take it's course. If it happened, it happened. Roy and I both had good jobs, and felt we were financially secure enough to bring a child into the world. Unbeknown to my poor husband, we were actually trying. Very hard. I would religiously chart and temp and check my cervix waiting to ovulate, and jump him when I knew I was ovulating. He had no idea everything was carefully timed (sorry you had to find out this way, honey)and I wasn't as relaxed as he was about getting pregnant. I had baby fever BAD, and I was determined!
We conceived soon after that, and were ecstatic! I called my doctor, and she told me that she didn't want to see me until week 8 or 9, so we made an appointment for 8weeks 4days. I was always touching my tummy and talking to our baby. I instantly stopped eating lunch meat, tuna & seafood, any caffinated beverages, and restricted my exercise. I took my prenatal every morning, and couldn't wait to see the baby on the ultrasound. We talked about names and baby products, and started collecting baby stuff. 2 weeks later I started cramping. I thought nothing of it, I googled it and all of the thousands of books I had read said that cramping was normal the first trimester and especially the first pregnancy, as your uterus was stretching in a way it hadn't before. 3 days later I started bleeding. A lot. The cramping became unbearable and I was vomiting a lot. I passed several clots of tissue, and there was no question what was happening inside me. I was devastated, sobbing for weeks. The doctor confirmed that my body had passed everything, and encouraged me to try again immediately. I also knew that over 75% of first pregnancies ended in miscarriage, and was convinced that it was just an unlucky fluke.
Once you hit about 6-8 months of trying you start to wonder if maybe their is something wrong. By now you have probably googled it and found that the average, healthy couple will conceive in approx. 6 months. You start to get anxious and you try harder. It doesn't matter if you are tired, or 'not feeling up to it'. If you are ovulating, you stick to your schedule like a crazy person. You ask strangers if you can hold their baby, and you walk through the baby section of every store you shop at.
Once you hit the year mark it is very hard. That is the point when it is suggested to go see a doctor if you haven't had a successful pregnancy. It is so defeating and depressing. I never thought I'd be sitting in a fertility specialist's office 1 year and 3 miscarriages later. I felt broken. I felt mad. Why were crack whores that left their babies in trash cans able to have countless children, but I was unable to have one? We were stable and loved each other very much. Our marriage was awesome, and we wanted a baby more than anything. We had spent a fortune on pregnancy tests and ovulation predictor tests. I had spent countless hours reading textbooks and self help guides on getting pregnant and increasing your fertility. I was ready to be a mom, and Roy was ready to be a dad. We felt ready to have a baby. Wasn't my body made to do this? Why couldn't I be one of those women that had to worry about if their birth control would work? Heck, why couldn't I be excited when I got a positive pregnancy test? Instead I felt fear, and my husband would tell me, "Okay...let's not get too excited yet..."
There are so many emotions associated with going to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. You fully expect for them to tell you in that visit what is wrong with you and give you a shot or have you take pills to fix it. Then you can get pregnant on your own like the rest of the world and not feel like there is something wrong with you. Instead, it is an hour long meeting about your history. You sit there answering questions you never expected to be asked and talk about things that would make you blush in any other circumstance. You talk about how often you have sex and what position. You talk about your cervical mucus and the position of your cervix. You talk about your period and your menstrual cycle. You go over every place your husband has worked and every injury he has ever had. You go over family history and your medical records. And you might start to plan what to do next. You leave with no real answers, and you leave feeling no better than when you walked in.
When you hit that year is when most people start to feel resentment and bitterness. You feel angry, and think "why me?" more times in the day than you pee. Every pregnant woman makes you mad you don't want to have anything to do with other people's babies. You don't want any reminders that the rest of the world is out there getting pregnant on accident and having healthy babies while you are broken and unable to do any of that no matter how hard you try. You snap at people who ask when you are going to have a baby, and you are rude to pregnant women. You cry. A lot. You do the 'baby dance' whether you are sick, tired, at someone else's house, at work, in the car, it doesn't matter. You become desperate. The reality sets in that you might never be pregnant. That you might never have a baby, and compare who he/she looks most like. And that is a hard pill to swallow.
Once you hit 18 months you start to lose hope. You look into IUI, IVF, adoption, egg/sperm donors, and whatever medication you can get your hands on. Your RE's office knows you by name and has your menstrual cycle memorized. You have to make a lot of difficult decisions. It seems like EVERYONE is pregnant, and that makes you angry and bitter. You see happy pregnant woman and you want to punch them in the face. You see pregnant teenagers and your blood boils, you want to scream their fertility makes you so mad! You go home and cry instead.
18 months was very hard for us. It was almost like we didn't know what to do with each other. We didn't intent to go this long without having children. Our life plans were being crushed in a major way. Were we going to be that couple? The childless couple at family events? The couple who didn't coo and smile at babies or touch pregnant women's bellies. The couple who everyone asked expectantly if they planned on having children.
Our families never really had fertility problems, so when we hadn't had kids yet people assumed we didn't want them yet/at all. People told us we were being selfish; and that we shouldn't wait until we were in a good place financially to have children (which I wholeheartedly disagree with), that there was 'no right time to have a baby', and went on and on about what a joy children were. It seemed people had no filter when it came to the childless couple. People said things that left me in tears. Did I have to wear a t-shirt? Did I have to announce at the beginning of every conversation that we had suffered 5 miscarriages by now and had spent more on trying to have a baby than they had on their car? That we desperately wanted a house full of children, but it felt like God didn't see fit to make us parents?
I started using snarky comebacks for people's comments. I asked a women if she would normally ask about my vagina or my husband's testicles? No? Then why did she think it was okay to ask about our reproductive habits or why we didn't want children? If I was in a bad mood I would be honest and tell people that we had spent more than their car was worth on trying to have a baby, and we had lost 5 babies already. But thanks for assuming.
It is not an easy thing to be looking at spending $20,000-$90,000 to adopt or spend $10,000 for IVF, and then have people complain about an unplanned pregnancy; and all people seem to be able to tell you is about how someone they know couldn't have kids either but they miraculously got pregnant anyway and the baby is fine and healthy.
Soooooo....this has turned into more of a rant than than anything else....but it's my blog and my life. So there ya have it. Us in a nutshell.
Goodnight!
Love,
the bitter, infertile woman
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