False hopes....

I haven't updated in awhile, I apologize. Roy and I were feeling very confident after our IUI. I was appropriately miserable as a result of the medications, and we were very hopeful. I was planning for my August babies...Roy would be here for the whole pregnancy and birth; he would deploy when the babies were 3/4 months old, come back when they were 9/10 months old...just in time to help me plan their first birthday...
I woke up on Christmas Eve and still had not started my period. I tested, it was negative. Of course my heart sank, but I quickly told myself that it was too soon to be positive anyway (it really wasn't), and that without a period I was still in the game.
I started packing a few things for Roy and I to have for the overnight stay at my parents' house and I started cramping. I rationalized to myself that cramping is very common in the early weeks of pregnancy, as the uterus is stretching in a way it's not used to. No bleeding yet, so I was still hopeful.
Roy packed the car and loaded up the dogs, and I went to use the bathroom before we left. When I wiped I was devestated, there was blood. I told myself that spotting is common in the early weeks of pregnancy too, and that's probably all it was. Not a big deal. We got to my parents' house about an hour and a half later. I went to the bathroom to check and there was blood. A lot of blood. There was no denying it, we had failed. The IUI didn't work, another month my body had failed me. I wasn't going to have the August babies I had been dreaming about; another month we were going to be 'that couple' that had dogs instead of children. I was heartbroken. Aunt Flo came, and she didn't even have the decency to wait until after the holidays; the heartless hag.
Let me explain something to those of you that don't know. Something that those of you who get pregnant every time your husband looks at you won't ever understand. When a couple has been trying to get pregnant for a very long time, we go through the greiving process just like with any other major loss. See; we are greiving the loss of a dream. A dream that we will get pregnant on accident or surprise. A dream that we will get pregnant without medication or procedures. The dream that our husbands will come home from work and we can say, "Honey!!! We are pregnant!! Can you believe it?? What a surprise!!!" And he would say, "That is so unexpected! I am so excited though, a wonderful surprise!" That will never happen. Roy and I will know the exact day our child(ren) are conceived and their due date before our first OB appointment. We will both anxiously await the appropriate amount of days after ovulation to start taking pregnancy tests (I won't tell him that I've been testing for days already); and we will be dissapointed. We'll both tell each other it's alright, a baby born in 'x' month would be better anyway. A pregnancy during 'x' season would be better anyway... And we'd be lying. We both really want to be pregnant now. It's not okay. I'm not okay with waiting another month, pushing back the due date another month. It's not okay.
So here are the 5 stages of greif for a woman trying to conceive...

1-Denial. The things a woman in denial will tell herself; "It's WAY too soon to test. I would get a negative even if I was pregnant. I need to just wait 48 hours and test again." (she repeats this to herself the next day, after she breaks down and takes another test) "I'm not starting my period, that's just a little bit of spotting. It's nowhere near enough blood to be my period. I've had so many symptoms, I'm definitely pregnant this time!"

2-Anger. "How could this be happening! Our timing was perfect this month!" "How can everyone but me get pregnant! I'm a good person, I'm healthy, I have a good marriage; I deserve this!" She then proceeds to be angry at every pregnant/new mom she sees, shooting daggers out of her eyes and making people uncomfortable (you'd be suprised, people really aren't used to getting glares while holding their newborn baby...)"People get pregnant ON ACCIDENT every day! Why can't I do this on purpose???"

3-Bargaining. "I bet if I drink red raspberry tea and eat pineapple core next month that will do it." "I'll do a headstand next time after sex, the little guys just need a little extra help, that's all!" "Dear God, I will never do 'x' again if I get pregnant, I promise!" The list goes on...

4-Depression. "I'm never going to get pregnant." "It's never going to happen for me, I might as well stop trying." "I can't believe I got my hopes up again, I should know better." Every pregnant woman and baby she sees sparks feelings of depression; may also be accompanied by feelings of inadequacy and hopelessnes.

5-Acceptance. The depression and mourning has tappered off, and we have accepted that yet another month has gone by that we are not pregnant. We tell ourselves that we are okay; that it's another month to get in shape, pay off debt, whatever. We may bounce back and forth between acceptance, depression, and anger alternately.

Moving towards acceptance,
Rachel