Thoughts of mine

I actually have had a lot of anxiety over the last couple of months. IUI has changed from 'a check on the checklist before IVF/Adoption' to 'a very good option that will probably work on the first try this time'. Which, crazy as it sounds; is actually terrifying. All the sudden we could be pregnant very soon. With not as many medical interventions as we thought! This is a very real possibility! All of the sudden us having children in the near future is not just a dream or a wish, it is a very real possibility. And that actually terrifies me. That is a huge responsibility, and the choices we make will affect these miniature people for the rest of their lives. Talk about pressure!

In the last year or so our parenting methods have changed quite a bit as we have actually researched into what is good and bad about popular parenting styles. We have changed our views on a few things, and I'll list them with corresponding backup information so you can also research for yourself. :)

1- We will not circumcise our sons. Beyond the fact that every major medical organization in the world has said there is no benefit to it whatsoever; the idea of cutting my baby's perfectly functioning body part off without his consent makes me ill. Especially when there is no negative repercussions of leaving the decision up to him when he is old enough to make it.

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/pregnancy-childbirth/whether-or-not-circumcise

2- We will use discipline rather than punishment. For example, we will not hit(or spank, whatever you are comfortable with) our children to make them 'behave' or do what we want to do. I have never struck another human being in my life, and I don't plan on starting with my children. The last thing I want my children to learn from me is that they will do what I tell them or I will hit them until they do. We cannot hit other adults, other people's children, or even our animals. If we do that is considered abuse. Yet it is okay to do so to our children? Color me confused.

http://articles.cnn.com/2009-09-16/health/spanking.children.parenting_1_spanked-new-study-author-and-research-scientist?_s=PM:HEALTH

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/06/26/health/main513469.shtml

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/spanking/10-reasons-not-hit-your-child

3-We are going to use child-led weaning, as well as exclusively breastfeed. Which means that there will absolutely be no formula given, even if that means we have to feed them donated breast milk. It also means that the child will decide when they want to wean, if they still want to breastfeed at 3/4 years old so be it.

http://boobiefed.com/benefits-of-extended-breastfeeding/

http://www.parenting.com/article/ask-dr-sears-extended-breastfeeding----handling-the-criticism

4- We plan on giving our children limited vaccines (currently we are only planning on giving them vaccines for diseases that would kill them if they contracted it) and on a delayed schedule.

http://guggiedaly.blogspot.com/

5- We are going to co-sleep. Which means we plan to have our babies sleep right next to our bed in a cosleeper (which is pretty much a crib with one of the sides taken out and the 'open' side facing our bed), and have them sleep in our room either in a crib or toddler bed until they are at least 2 years old. It grossly reduces the risk of SIDS, and I just don't feel comfortable having a newborn baby go from hearing my heartbeat and breathing, and being comforted by my body; to sleeping in another room where if they wake they can't hear, see, or smell me.

http://www.breastfeeding.com/reading_room/co_slepping.html

http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/tami_breazeale.html

6- We are going to baby-wear our children until they are toddlers. It gives them the comfort of being held, while mommy and daddy can be hands-free! Babies being worn in an upright position don't need tummy-time, and they also have been shown to avoid a whole slew of anxiety disorders, including having separation anxiety.

http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/laura_simeon.html

http://babywearinginternational.org/articles.php?article=1

http://www.sleepywrap.com/

7-We more likely than not will home school. When the hubby and I were first married I was expressing to my mother in law my disappointment in the public school system, and the cost of a private school. She matter of factly said, "So just home school." I told her in a nice way that she was out of her mind. ;) Since doing research, I have changed my mind. We will of course take special care to make sure our children are socialized as we believe that is very important; but I don't think we need to sacrifice the quality of their education for it.

http://www.sonlight.com/before-you-start-homeschooling.html

http://www.pahomeschool.com/benefits.html

8-We are going to keep our children in rear-facing car seats for as long as possible, at least until they are 4 or so. And yes, we plan on spending the extra money to get a carseat that accommodates rear-facing toddlers.

http://www.cpsafety.com/articles/StayRearFacing.aspx

9-We will not be using 'Snugli' or "Johnny Jump Up' type products on our child, commonly referred to as 'crotch danglers'. This is where the baby/child dangles by their crotch instead of their knees being at the level of their pelvis. Carrying a child in a crotch dangler causes hip problems; greatly increased chances of scoliosis, bow-legged/knock-kneed as they get older, etc. It is not healthy for their bone structure in any way, shape, or form. Pediatricians and Chiropractors have come out and said these kinds of baby carriers are harmful.

http://www.continuum-concept.org/reading/spinalStress.html

http://themominformed.blogspot.com/2011/08/slings-wraps-carriers-and-crotch.html

10- We plan to give birth to our babies at home.

http://susana-s.hubpages.com/hub/giving-birth-at-home

http://www.firsttimepregnancy.com/243.html

.....in water

http://pregnancy.more4kids.info/113/benefits-of-a-water-birth/

11-In the rare event that something unforeseen happens and we absolutely have to give birth in a hospital, I will be doing so without medication or interventions of any kind.

http://www.naturalbirthandbabycare.com/birth-interventions.html

www.givingbirthnaturally.com/

12-We will not be using the "Cry it Out" method, which involves a baby crying itself to sleep/back to sleep. It has been linked to lower IQ's and higher rates of anxiety disorders and depression. If I, as an adult; were not able to care for myself and depended on my spouse (or anyone, for that matter) to care for my basic needs, and my caregiver left me alone all night long despite my calling for help, there would be serious retribution. People would freak out, police would be called, etc. We are going to respect our babies' needs enough to go to them when they call for us. Even if it is just to be held. I know sometimes I just need to be held. :)

http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/07/05/no-cry-it-out/

http://drbenkim.com/articles-attachment-parenting.html

I think that's about it. The short version? Our methods of planned parenting and birth have changed 100% from when we were first planning to have children. It's amazing what research can do. ;)

When I first was educating myself about all of this my head was almost spinning. Everything I thought I knew about pregnancy; childbirth, prenatal care, postnatal care, breastfeeding, child discipline, and many other things.....were very wrong. There was hard data that proved they were very wrong. Why didn't more people know about this? Why weren't women being truly educated before making a decision about childbirth or breastfeeding? Why wasn't this common knowledge?? I felt such gratitude that I had come across this information before I had children, so that I could do it right the first time rather than have regrets later. I also felt horrible that had I not come across this information, I would have done so many things wrong! (As a sidenote; every parent will do something 'wrong' there is no one perfect way to birth or raise a child, but there most certainly are things that can be avoided, and hopefully the mistakes we make as parents will not be as bad now that we are truly educated and informed)

I started volunteering information whenever the subject came up. An acquaintance of mine expressed frustration her baby was not taking to rice cereal; I explained that unless he was severely underweight, he didn't actually need it, it was just fine to make the transition from breastmilk to babyfood and skip rice cereal altogether. She dismissed me completely.

A friend was expressing frustration that her young child was being overly aggressive. I suggested she stop spanking him and see if that helped. I also explained my sources for my information that spanking increases aggression in children, especially boys. She snapped at me refused to speak to me afterwards.

Another friend was expressing frustration that her baby girl cried all of the time and was always wanting to be held. I explained baby-wearing and how contrary to popular belief, it didn't make babies co-dependent and babies that were worn cried hours less a day that babies who were not. She brushed me off and said I had no idea what I was talking about.

A friend of the hubby's was talking about how she was frustrated with her baby insisting on controlling the mother's sleep schedule, so she was going to just let her cry in her crib until she went to sleep. I explained that the 'Cry It Out' method has been directly linked to lower IQ's and higher rates of anxiety and depression in older children and teenagers; and that the baby doesn't stop crying because they understand the lesson, they stop crying because they give up, they have learned that their mother is not going to come tend to their needs when they communicate the only way they know how. I have never seen someone get so hostile so fast in my life. She exploded on me, saying that until we had a baby I had no business telling a mother anything; and that we weren't getting children because we didn't deserve them. :'(

I could go on, but I'm sure you get the idea. What did all these situations have in common? Every one of these people said I had no idea what I was talking about because I didn't have children. Even after I showed scientific data proved by top Pediatricians and top Child Psychologists. It didn't mean anything. I explained that even if I had 100 children, it wouldn't change the facts. That didn't matter either. If I had a quarter for every time someone told me that research meant nothing, or that I should keep my mouth shut because facts proven by professionals mean nothing when compared to actual experience; I could have purchased myself 10 babies.

I asked them if their pediatrician has children; if their gynecologist and obstetrician was a woman who had birthed children, if their children's teachers/principals/guidance counselors had children. After all, these are all people who tell you what to do; who tell you what your children need and what you need to do for them, right? With their logic, it only makes sense that anyone giving them any worthwhile information must also have personal experience in the matter. Of course that never goes over well either, because that is completely irrelevant apparently. o_O

So, I have stopped sharing information altogether. Before I discuss our birthing/child-rearing plans I fearfully put feelers out to find out if the person I'm talking to agrees with me; then I go in to that discussion. I have found that people are incredibly hostile when fact disagrees with what they are currently doing. It breaks my heart that if I have to adopt children; and never get to birth a live baby, never get to carry a child to term, that I am expected to forever keep my mouth shut. Because of circumstances beyond my control, for the rest of my life there is a chance that I will never 'know what I am talking about'.

Fair? I don't think so, but that's the way the world works I guess. So instead of bringing attention to the correct information, I just sit there silent. I am afraid to speak up, even when I am asked about certain things. I hope with all my might that I will be able to carry a baby to term and raise a happy child. Maybe then people will be willing to listen. Maybe then I will be able to offer up facts and methods that have been proven to work.

I just want to change the world that's all,
Rachel

My HSG

I haven't blogged in awhile. I wrote a ridiculously long blog about my HSG, but it got eaten by the internet boogey man and I didn't have the patience to re-write it. In short, it went fine. It was determined that I have a cervix; my uterus is of normal shape, my tubes are clear, and my pain tolerance is rather high.

Apparently there have been many women that cannot even finish the HSG, it is too painful and the doctor has to stop. And they had taken the strong pain medicine a half hour before hand. I forgot my pills at home, so I was going through it au-naturale. I was understandably worried as they explained the contrast was refrigerated and I put on 3 robes and 2 blankets. I tried to play it cool, making a joke here and there as we waited for the doctor. My wonderful hubby knew better though, and rubbed my shoulder and kissed my forehead comfortingly.

Then the doctor came in and explained the process to me again, and asked if I had taken the medication 30 min prior. I hesitantly said, "Well, no." He asked if I had taken it sooner, and that it probably wasn't a big deal; it would kick in before they started the procedure. I said, "Well, actually I forgot it at home so I haven't taken it at all is that a problem I think I'll be okay?" in one nervous breath. I squeezed Roy's hand for comfort, wondering if perhaps I should have just lied and pretended I was a massive baby as my screams could be heard throughout the whole wing of the hospital. The doctor told me, "Well, we can try it if you want. We really suggest the medication though because most women have a very hard time even with the medication. A lot of the time we have to stop because it is too painful for them. We'll try it, but I don't know if we'll be able to get the information we need." I bravely said I was up for it.

I climbed on the table as the doctor and nurse prepared everything. I was so anxious I was shaking as they put my legs in the stirrups and put a high wedge underneath my bottom. My heart was pounding in my chest and my hands and feet felt ice cold as the doctor did a quick pelvic exam and declared, "You have a cervix. That's good." o.O Roy was recording the whole thing, so it gave me some incentive to be brave; but I clutched the blankets for dear life as he inserted the catheter. A little uncomfortable, but no pain. Then they inflated the balloon to hold the catheter in place while the contrast was being pushed through my uterus. That was a bit painful but nothing too serious, (I believe I let out a "ooooooh!" as it was inflated) and they told me the worst part was over. Then came the contrast. I was very cold! It made my teeth chatter a bit and gave me the chills. They took pictures of my uterus as the contrast was going through it; deflated the balloon, removed everything, had me lay there for a minute, then that was it! I wish I would have taken a picture of the lube and blood puddle that was left behind me. There was a good amount of blood, but Roy said it was too gross for the general public. :/ I strutted back to my shoes and purse like I was Wonderwoman as the doctor and nurse told me how wonderful I was, and I handled it SOOOOOOOO much better than the other women that get it done (and I did it with no pain meds!). Proud as a peacock I got dressed and waddled out to the parking lot. I made Roy bring me the car because I was still having some pretty nasty cramps, but I did AWESOME! :D I am so going to rock childbirth! :)

The testing cycle......

So this cycle is our testing cycle. We are doing several fertility tests and with some luck start IUI next cycle. So far we have done urine testing, blood testing, and we will do the FSH and HSG along with genetic testing (DNA sample) for both of us. Along with many transvaginal ultrasounds. I've already had two and I think I'm going to have 3 more before the end of my cycle.
I'm currently taking birth control to delay ovulation so we can get all of this testing done in one cycle versus two or three. When I went to pick everything up at the pharmacy the lab tech didn't give me the birth control. I told him he forgot one and he was like, "I thought that was a mistake. Fertility medication and birth control? That can't be right...." I told him, "Yeah it's right. I'm taking the birth control medication to avoid ovulation so I can do all of the testing in one month instead of several." He was still confused, but gave me my meds. It's hilarious to tell people, "Oh yeah, we are totally trying to have a baby...." while popping my birth control pills and watch the confused looks on their faces. :D
With some luck we'll be due sometime in May/June. I know we'd be really lucky to get pregnant on the first try (well, second first try), but a girl can hope. :) Our doctor is going a different route than previous doctors and he gives us very good chances. I'm actually kind of nervous now. It seems more real and like we have a good shot at this. This is the first time a doctor seems confident we'll actually get and stay pregnant; not just have us do IUI as something off a checklist before IVF or adoption. I'm just giddy we might be able to have a baby(ies) without spending $20,000+. I know it might not work on the first try. It might not work at all. But right now, I'm happy. Right now, I'm hopeful. :)

Happy and hopeful,
Rachel

Medroxyprogesterone

This lovely medication is what I'm going to start taking on Monday. A normal woman's cycle is beteen 28 and 32 days. I am currently on day 46. I should have started about 2 weeks ago, but my uterus hates me. So here I am; not pregnant (we did a urine test, blood test, and ultrasound), but still no period. So I need to take medroxyprogesterone (or Prevera), to jump start my period. %90 of the time I am very regular with my cycles. I start a new period every 29-30 days, I ovulate on either day 15 or 16....you get the idea. Pretty standard, and just about the only reliable thing in this whole infertility mess.

See, the only thing is....Prevera is the devil. I have heard such horror stories about it, I'm terrified to take it. Here are the side effects I can expect; heart disease, blood clots, high/low blood pressure, heart palpitations, nausea, bloating, weight gain (oh goody. If you aren't aware, EVERY infertility drug causes bloating and weight gain. Seriously. I've checked. It sucks.), breast tenderness, headache, unusual vaginal discharge (Sounds fun? I wish they would have been more specific...), violent mood swings (I really hope I still have a husband after I'm done taking this), blurred vision, dizziness, drowsiness, swelling of the hands/feet, frequent/burning/painful urination, breast lumps, dark patches on the skin or face (great!), yellowing eyes, extreme fatigue. Sounds like someone you want to make a baby with, huh?

I'll keep you all posted on how it goes.

Just hoping hubby and I come out of this alive,
Rachel

Our new doctor

I haven't blogged in awhile. My apologies. It really is because there hasn't been much to blog about. We have taken a month or two off from trying to conceive while waiting to see our new doctor. I was a little frustrated because; of course, I wanted to see him NOW. In reality we got very lucky. The waiting list was usually over 6 months long (that's not unusual for an RE), and we got in to see him in about two.

I was really nervous and excited to see a new doctor. We have had our share of bad doctors, and we have had our share of doctors that were pretty upset we knew more than they did about fertility. We have also had our share of doctors that dragged their feet and were only willing to do one test every couple of months. So I was; understandably, nervous about what approach he was willing to take and how agressive he was willing to be. We have had more than one doctor tell us that we shouldn't be in a hurry because we are young still. We have plenty of time to worry about babies. :/ Roy; my wonderful Aspie husband, was indifferent. He told me, "Your stress isn't going to make him better or worse. Just chill out. I don't understand you."
Finally the nurse came in and got me weighed, took my vitals. Asked some basic questions and said the doctor would be right in. For those of you that don't know, RE's do a lot of transvaginal ultrasounds. Which means the ultrasound wand is long and skinny and there is an upward view of your uterus and ovaries from your vagina instead of your belly. Yes, they stick the wand up your vagina. So; since they do a lot of these at different times in a woman's cycle to monitor growth of follicles and ovaries, check for tube blockages, check for early pregnancies, etc, there is one in every room (an ultrasound machine with a transvaginal wand, that is).

And something you must know about Aspies; they are very sensory oriented, and Roy likes soft things that are kind of squishy. Like the pre-lubed transvaginal wand with a sanitary cover on it. I saw it, saw him, and knew he was going to try to touch it. I waited for him to reach it and sharply told him, "That is going in my VAGINA! Don't contaminate it!!! Keep your hands to yourself or you will have to wait in the lobby!" He was good and didn't reach for it again. I went to the bathroom to change into the sexy paper gowns they give you; and when I came out Roy had a very embarrassed/guilty look on his face, and I knew he had touched it. I saw the ultrasound wand, and the protective paper had come off, and the gel was oozing out the bottom of the rolled up plastic cover. I asked him in my whisper-yell voice, "How in the heck did you even do that???? Why did you touch it?? I was gone for less than 2 minutes!!!" He looked like he felt really bad and just said, "I had to touch it. It felt really nice, so I kinda squeezed it a little and stuff just started happening. We need to find where they keep the spares and just replace it. They'll never know!" Well, we couldn't find a replacement for it, so we just cleaned it up a bit and threw the paper away like it was never there.

At that point I had to go to the bathroom; so I told him, "I'm going to the bathroom. If you touch ANYTHING I will kill you dead, understand? Dead!" He nodded and sat on his hands. When I came back out he let out a very loud fart. I glared at him and said, "You know now that you did that the doctor is going to--" and the doctor knocked and walked in. It.Smelled.So.Bad. I was caught between wanting to giggle like a 5 year old or saying, "It wasn't me!!!" It was a trainwreck already.

To top it off; when I was getting into the stirrups (man, I hate those things!) I got this massive charlie horse in my thigh, which forced my leg to be contorted in the opposite direction it was supposed to be. So instead of being covered by the paper gown and my legs only a little open; The gown slid off and I was flashing my crotch to everyone in the room and almost fell off the table. At least we got it all out of the way and the poor doctor knows what to expect from us from now on. :/ I thought about asking him if he could tell I did kegels all the time; but I figured we'd all been embarrassed enough for one day.

On the upside; our new doctor is really nice. He sees no reason to postpone anything and wants to jump right into finishing up our testing and starting back up with our treatments. I told him, "By this time next year, I want at least one baby in my arms." He said that he sees no reason why that wouldn't be the case. I'm so happy!!! :D He is willing to be as agressive as we want to be and is VERY knowledgable. He's the first doctor to teach me something about fertility. :) And to top it all off, he's really attractive. :) So all in all not a bad visit. Believe it or not; that wasn't our worst doctor's appointment. :/

Cautiously hopefull, still bitter,
Rachel

Just blowing some steam.

Just to get you caught up on us lately.... hubby has been working until 6 or later every day this week, and will for the next 2 weeks (yay, military). So I see him for about an hour or so before he has to go to bed. Unlike a lot of married couples; we actually really enjoy spending time together still, so this really sucks for us.

Hubby's mother came to visit over Easter weekend. It was fun having her and getting to do special things we don't normally do (go out to eat, etc). We also put together an Easter egg hunt for the boys (our roommate's kids), that they absolutely loved. They stayed out in the rain to finish finding the eggs! Then we had a wonderful Easter dinner together, I made a 'pink' velvet cake (red velvet cake with pink dye instead of red, for a more festive look) that everyone was too full to eat. I had a piece after I'd digested a bit and it was actually pretty good! :)

Aside from the festivities and horrid work hours; we finally had someone give us negative feedback about our fertility treatments. People had hinted at it before, but didn't have the steelies to come out and say it or were worried about being rude. We finally had someone tell us that infertility treatments were against nature and that we were forcing God's and and would be severely punished. God made us infertile and we should take a look at our life and try to find what we are doing that makes us such bad people. God took our babies for a reason, he knew that we didn't deserve it. This little gem she saved for last.... She is going to pray every night that we never have a baby. We don't deserve it and we are mocking God. Oh boy. My first knee jerk reaction was to kill her. Seriously. You don't say that to someone that has been through everything that I've been through. I'm all for peace and all that crap, but I wanted to yank her ovaries out through her eyeballs.

I've heard about these kinds of people; the ones that think infertility is God's message to us that we aren't supposed to have children, and we should 'just adopt' or be childless forever. In the height of irony, these people always have a lot of kids. So they have no idea what it is like to feel so broken. To need medical assistance to do something that other people do every day. Horrible people. People that are bad for real, not just because they use medicine to try to conceive. Drug addicts and abusers; rapists, murderers, they can bring life into this world and we cannot. Apparently God thinks they deserve babies more than we do, we'd be worse parents then the aforementioned people.

I highly doubt that God sits up there and says, "Random lowlife that is addicted to drugs and homeless because they care about nothing else? Oh yeah! Send them some babies! Lots of them! Rachel and Roy...nah. They don't believe in hitting or letting their babies cry just because or cutting off random pieces of penii for no reason. I see they have a great marriage and are both loving people; but I'm deciding they just shouldn't get babies. They'd suck at it. What??? They are using modern medicine to try to get pregnant anyway?!?!?! They should know better! I'll send this hateful, fertile woman to them to tell them the error of their ways. That should do it!" Yeah....no.


Of course it's not much better than people assuming crap about us, and saying things like, "You don't know, you don't have kids!"(Like saying I know nothing about geography because I don't travel. Even if I had thousands of children, the facts would be the same!) or "You'll know what I'm talking about if you get pregnant." o.O I should just get a shirt. "I've given birth to a baby we never brought home. There is a great possibility I've been pregnant more times than you. I've spent thousands of dollars and subjected my body to all kinds of misery so that I could do what you do without trying. Do not tell me that you know how I feel because it took you 4 months to conceive your 4th, 5th, 6th child. I will hit you." I think it'd be a hit. :)

Thankfully, I received some very encouraging notes today. It's so encouraging when people are supportive. My heart has been hurting and my soul has been heavy. It makes things so easy to bear when God answers my unspoken prayers. Every time I am ready to give up and throw in the towel, someone spends 5 mins and writes me a nice paragraph about how they are rooting for us or sending sympathy for our situation and that they think we are strong. :) It's nice to hear, especially when I'm feeling anything but strong.

pretending to be strong,
Rachel

'Just adopt'

Oy. Roy and I have heard this quite a bit, from many different people. It's pretty high on the list of what people say when they find out our parts aren't working together. I usually just say, 'it's not as easy as that.' or 'it's a lot more complicated than that'. Because I can't usually give that person a 20 minute explanation as to why their comment causes my eye to twitch and I ball my hold my own hands to keep from swinging at them.
Let me start off by saying; even if it was all that easy to 'just adopt', the average adoption in the US costs between $20,000 and $40,000. Here is a link so you know I'm not making stuff up. They have charts and everything. Go check it out. I'll wait.

http://www.theadoptionguide.com/cost/articles/how-much-does-adoption-cost

Now, those are just the recorded costs. That doesn't even touch the agency fees (yep, it costs one to three thousand dollars a month for an agency to keep your bio in their books to show birth mothers); or the money that most couples shell out to the birth mothers every month. It is actually uncommon for birth mothers to not receive any financial assistance during their pregnancy. Usually adoptive parents will pay their bills, pay for their medical, pay for maternity clothes, etc. That gets pretty spendy. The upside? It's cheaper than international adoption and you get to carry around your newborn baby looking like you haven't just had a baby. The downside? The birth mother can change her mind at any point, up to 60 days after the baby is born in most states.

I'm not even going to touch on international adoptions. Those cost an upwards of $100,000; and we would have to get a dossier, go to the country for 20 days, get approved, meet the baby, sign papers, go back home, wait for everything to get approved, go back for 15-30 days, bring back a passport for the baby along with all adoption legal papers, and hope that there are no delays in customs. Keep in mind we'd have to pay for our airfare, hotel, food, and transportation the whole time for both visits, and majority of the time is not even spent with the baby. It is spent working with lawyers and at the US Customs building. The upside? You are coming home with a baby no matter what. The downside? The cost. It's beyond crazy expensive.

So let's say that you are one of those people that are like, "But there are so many kids in the system that need good homes!!! You are selfish for going to such great lengths to have your own when there are SO MANY kids that need loving parents!!!" First of all, *gag*. Second of all, let me enlighten you..... This is a list of available children in my state.

http://nwae.org/PhotoIndex-WA.php

There are only about 100 kids listed. Do you know how many of them are infants? 0 Do you know how many are under 5? 2 And these children that are available for placement are not necessarily available for adoption. The foster care system is in the business of reuniting families, not playing adoption agency. Hubby and I have been married for 3 years and are in our 20's. I am not going to adopt a child that is older than how long we've been married. Especially considering we got married young. So no. There are not 'all these kids that desperately need homes.' And not even all the kids on that list can go to just anybody. There are several that specify they must be an only child, or an oldest child, or a youngest child, or go to a no pet house, or only go to a parent that has medical training.

I despise the fact that infertile couples are somehow held to a different standard. It makes no sense for a fertile person with several children of their own to tell me that because it's difficult for me to have children with my husband, that means that I must adopt. It's like a person that drives a Hummer telling a person who is car shopping that they need to get a prius to save the environment. Please, people.

If I'm feeling real snarky I'll just tell people; 'Yup, tried the adoption thing. All we got was broke and still didn't get a baby.' We tried to 'just adopt'. We spent a lot of money on our birth mother that changed her mind and kept our money and the baby for herself. And I'm going to say this because it's my blog and I don't have to be politically correct; If she needed us to pay her bills for months on end, she shouldn't have kept the baby. If someone can't take care of themselves, they have no business trying to take care of a helpless child that depends on them for everything.

In case you couldn't tell, I'm PMSing.

End rant.

Frustrated and infertile,
Rachel

Moving Day!

We are moving! Yay! I'm so happy to be out of this horrible house!! Let me back up a bit, so you understand my joy...

When we moved into this house, it looked nothing like the pictures our landlord had sent us. It was filthy, stinky, and the whole house reeked of cigarette smoke and marijuana. I spent our first night here throwing up. There was food caked into the bottom of the oven; some unknown syrupy substance dripping down the inside of the pantry, the linoleum was coming up by the door and in the bathroom, there was mold in the bathroom and the guest bedroom, not to mention the idiot was still moving out when we got here. There was still a living room full of furniture and a huge tote full of his stuff and there was no grass in the yard. It was the most disgusting place I have ever been in. Week 2 of us being here he came in and laid sod, but it was 2 weeks before Thanksgiving so not a lot of it took and survived.
I spent the first 3 weeks scrubbing the walls, carpet, kitchen, and bathroom. Did I mention it was disgusting? After 2 washes the walls were 4 shades lighter and the stove and refrigerator were completely different colors. I went over the carpet with our wetvac once a week and the carpet got a shade lighter every time for the first 3 months. We didn't do much to the outside of the house, mostly because I didn't want to bother. It had mildew or some sort of unknown green substance growing on the outside of it.

The best part of it all; is that we had to call the cops on this man twice because he was inside the house when we got home. Yep. Just chilling on our couch, eating some kind of processed snack pastry, waiting for us to get home. The first time was because he had the lease for us (yes, when we moved in he didn't have a lease printed up. He had to go to the library and print up the lease and bring it to us), and the second time was to let us know he wanted rent early. The second time we changed all of the locks including the mailbox lock (oh yeah, he was also still using our mailbox). Both times he told the officers that it was his house, so he could do whatever, whenever. He was just letting us live here. Ha! Oh yeah, and our only means of communication with him was email, then he all the sudden stopped responding to us. His son emailed us and told us that his dad was having problems with his email, and we wouldn't be able to contact him that way anymore. So the only way we can contact our landlord is through his son's email. And his motorcycle has been sitting in our garage since day 1. He won't come get it.

So, fast forward to 16 months later; I am more than excited to get out of this place. I thought that after awhile the place would grow on me, especially since I spent hours a day cleaning it to get it livable. It didn't. I have hated it with a passion this whole time. Not to mention being terrified this crazy man would try to let himself in our house and I would be home all by myself.

So now we are getting ready to move in about 2 weeks and although I'm stressed out of my mind, I'm so excited!!! I never have to look at this house ever again. I never have to be in this house ever again! Hallelujah!

We are moving in with our friends Michael and Amy. We like them. :) We are going to be staying there until hubby leaves for deployment. Then I'll stay there until he gets back. Then hopefully we'll get knocked up and be able to move on base to a house rather then a small duplex.

The only thing I'm concerned about is moving the fish. We have a lot of very big fish. Like, we have to get a cooler because the fish are so big they won't fit in the bags the pet store gives you. But we are only moving about 15 min away, so it should be fine. Hubby has actually be awesome about helping me clear out the totes we have in the garage. He's emptied 9 already. We are getting rid of 70% of all of the crap in there. It hasn't been looked at in over 2 years, so we obviously don't need it. Everything we are keeping is just going to go in storage aside from the essentials (our bed, clothes, things for the dogs, etc).

Anyone that knows me knows that I'm an obsessive list maker and habitual planner. It's very bad. It would probably be considered some kind of illness. Nevertheless; I have lists for what we are keeping, what we are storing, and what we are tossing. I also have a list of things I need to clean, things I need to organize, and things I need to make arrangements for. I even have a list of all of the lists so I can keep track of them and make sure I've got everything covered. Hubby just laughs at me, but I'm a much happier person if I have my lists and everything goes accordingly to my plan.

Elated to be out of this poo hole,
Rachel

Lack of foresight....

So, every time that I go to the RE(fertility doctor); I always am depressed within moments of getting there. Not only am I admitting to the world that hubby and I are broken and are unable to do on our own what thousands of people do every day; they make us wait in the same waiting room as the pregnant women waiting to see their OB!

It just makes you wonder, what the heck were they thinking??? I should write a letter about it. And to add insult to injury, they put newborn care and pediatrics on the other side of us. F. M. L. Thank you, karma may I have another??

It's so funny, it's like the cliques in high school. Even though it's all one big waiting room; they sit on their side, and we sit on ours. They sit over there all smiling, touching their bellies, talking about due dates, birthing classes, baby gear, and occasionally how miserable they are.

We sit in our side, glaring at them. We talk about shots; pills, symptoms, how many doctors/specialists are are currently seeing, herbal remedies, side effects, our husband's sperm count, fertility loans, and shooting daggers out of our eyes at the pregnant women.

I hate the first 5 min because you have to go to the desk to check in. And the lady asks you, "Are you here for a prenatal appointment or fertility checkup?" And when you say, "Fertility checkup" all the pregnant women look at you with this look. Most infertile women know the look I'm talking about. It's the look that says, "You poor dear, I can't imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes...." I really hate that look of pity. It really grinds my gears. >:(

Saying, "I'm sorry" when you find out we are infertile is perfectly acceptable. But just leave it at that. I don't want to hear about your brother's step cousins' friend's neighbor that was told they have the same problem; and after going through fertility treatments they miraculously conceived on their own. Stories like that don't give me hope or make me feel better. And don't tell me it took you a whopping 6 months to conceive your fourth so you know how I feel. That will just make me hit you.

Well, now that I've gotten out some early morning aggression, I'm off to make hubby's breakfast and lunch. Enjoy your day, everybody!

Just waiting...
Rachel

Yay productivity!!!

Well, it's not even 9 AM and so far I've..
-made hubby a big breakfast
-made hubby a big lunch to take to work with him
-done the dishes
-2 loads of laundry
-washed the dog's bed
-washed the dogs
-vacuumed
-exercised
-am getting ready to wetvac the carpets
-wrote out our menu for the week

I'm probably going to crash like a ton of bricks by noon, but that's okay. I'm really productive so far! I'm slowly turning into a morning person, and I'm not happy about it. I'm up usually up at about 4:15; make Roy's breakfast (no dairy is a lot harder then it sounds), make his lunch, let the dogs out, play online for awhile, clean up the house, take Miho on a run, do my pilates, shower, do laundry, do dishes, make the bed, let the dogs out, have lunch, take a nap, start dinner, play with the dogs, feed the fish., if it's monday or wednesday I work on Amy for an hour or so...that's pretty much my day. It's actually pretty boring when I write it out on here, but I'm actually going pretty much all day.

I always chuckle a little bit when people assume I'm just sitting at home coloring all day since we don't have any kids and I don't work. Things have run so much smoother since I started making a very detailed list of what is to be done every day. Roy knows what he can count on being done every day, and he never comes home and asks me, "So what have you been doing all day?" Everybody's happy. :)

I'm going to be living with our friends Amy and Michael and their 3 boys while Roy's gone. I'm happy I'm not going to be living all by myself (yes, I'm a pansy like that)and I'm excited to be staying with Amy and Michael. They are really good friends of ours that we go have game night with every Friday. They have been super patient with our puppies terrorizing their cat and Miho peeing on their carpet while she got used to their house.

We are also putting everything in storage, and only having the essentials at Michael and Amy's, and moving somewhere else when Roy gets back. Hallelujah!!! I really thought that this house would grow on me. It didn't. I still hate it. It's cleaner and more organized, but I still hate it. A lot. So to be bidding this horrible house adeau never to return makes me very happy! Yay to new beginnings!

My life with my Aspie

I've been debating on writing this particular post for awhile. I really want to phrase everything correctly and explain everything properly. In short, my husband has Asperger's Syndrome.
I always knew there was something different about him, even when we were dating. When we were engaged I noticed it moreso as we spent increasingly more time together. When we were married it was undeniable. He needed things done a certian way, and he needed to be on a schedule. If his schedule changed he had a very hard time and seemed lost. He had a very hard time empathisizing with anyone, and at times seemed very cold when he should have been showing compassion. He had zero tolerance for other people's stupidity and he was an increadible genius. He learned things faster than anybody I'd ever met, and anything electronic was instantly second nature to him.
Even though he had many people he would spend time with; he never felt any deep connection to them, even though he wanted to. Anyone that said 'Hi' to him or made small talk was classified in his brain as a friend. Because that made sense to him. He would never go out of his way and say 'Hi' to anyone he didn't like, so if the person spent a couple of minutes of their life asking him about his day or talking about the weather, they must really like him.
Of course this led to many hurt feelings as he realized these people were not actually his friends and didn't have an interest in spending time with him on a recreational level. He had several girlfriends before me, but no relationship lasted longer than a month or two.
Even as a child he was increadibly smart and obviously gifted, but he never played pretend games or had an imaginary friend. It was difficult for him to use his imagination to imagine his world in a way other than it really was, and he didn't understand why anyone would want to do that anyway.
Before Roy's diagnosis, neither one of us understood why he was so particular about certian things, or why he got so frustrated so easily about odd things. I didn't understand why although I loved my husband very much and he loved me, he wasn't like other people's husbands. He didn't notice I was tired and the dishes were in the sink, and go do the dishes. He wouldn't notice I was frustrated with something and come help me. He figured if I wanted help I would ask for it. When he was doing anything pertaining to electronics he would lose track of time completely. He would literally go 12-14 hours without eating, sleeping, or going to the bathroom. He would just forget the world around him, and was completely astonished and needed to check the clock for confirmation when I told him how long it had been. He honestly thought it had been only 10-15 min.
He never liked being around large groups of people; even though he would throw huge parties as a teenager, he would often escape to his room when it became too much for him. I noticed early on that he became very anxious and irritable when we were around large groups of people. We started doing our grocery shopping late at night so the store would be empty, and we went to the movies either late in the evening or during the weekdays when it wasn't likely to be crowded.
He has always been a stickler about germs. He doesn't eat strange food or food off of a communal plate. It took him years to drink off of a straw or glass after me, and he still won't use the same silverware. He wipes his hands off on his pants after shaking a strager's hand, and doesn't like touching common things like doorknobs and especially handrails. If anyone has sneezed anywhere near food, it is now contaminated and he will not eat it; even if it is inplausible that the germs of the person's sneeze got on the food, he can't eat it. The only people that can make up his plate are me and him. Nobody else can touch his plate or dish up his food. Period.
Roy works best when he has a predictable schedule, so we have a whiteboard that has a list of what household chores are done what day, and that week's menu. For example: Laundry is done Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Colors on Monday, whites in Wednesday, and Roy's uniforms on Friday. Vacuum, sweep, mop, dishes, and make our bed is done every day, and washing walls, deep cleaning carpets, and washing the dogs & their bedding are all done every weekend. The car is washed & cleaned every other weekend. I list the menu on the other side of the whiteboard, and what meals we are having what day.
The biggest thing that Aspies have to deal with is 'meltdowns'. Yelling and throwing things are common; and as comical as it sounds to think of watching an adult throw a tantrum like a toddler, it is actually difficult to watch. Aspies become totally out of control during a meltdown, and their brain is being so overloaded that it cannot handle any more. It is similar to an epileptic having a seizure. Something they have no control over and often times little to no memory of it. With an increadible amount of work we can avoid meltdowns, and thankfully there was only a short time when that was a problem for us. Now that we are on a schedule and I can make sure we avoid things that trigger a meltdown; we are both much happier. Therapy and research have also helped. Roy can tell me when he is getting upset or anxious and I know that we need to change the subject or our environment immediately. It will take us hours to have an 'argument' because when he gets too upset we immediately stop talking and one of us leaves the room until things are calm again and we pick up where we left off.
If Aspies are anything, they are logical. Roy is a hopeless logical person. I hinted for months that I wanted him to get me flowers. Nothing. I sulked for awhile, sad that my husband didn't want to get my flowers and that he wasn't paying enough attention to me to notice my hints (I was NOT subtle). I finally just told him,
"I want you to get my flowers."
"Now?" he said.
"No, for a special occasion. Or just because."
"Sooo....you don't want me to get you flowers now. But some other undisclosed time..."
"Right."
"It would be a lot easier if we could just sit down with a calender or something and just decide when I'm going to get you flowers. And I don't even know what kind of flowers you want."
"It doesn't really matter. I want pretty ones."
"You are really going to have to be more specific. 'Pretty' is not a kind of flower..."
"Fine. I don't care what kind of flowers you get me, I just don't want carnations or mums."
"Well that's better. What if I got you a bouquet of carnations?? You would be upset and I would have no idea why. You need to help me help you, hun."
"Okay, tulips or roses. Not necessarily together."
"Okay."
So, a couple weeks later he comes home with a bag and he hands it to me. Inside is a bag of tulip bulbs. I explain that this isn't what I wanted. I don't want to grow my own tulips, I want him to buy me ones that someone else grew and cut. "But this is so much better! They are less expensive, and last 10x longer! And you can replant them and they'll blossom again! The gift that keeps on giving! I don't know why more men aren't doing this. You could potentially have tulips from me forever, providing you don't kill them."
That is how an aspie brain works. Very logical, very much a problem solver. Not so good on picking up hints and sarcasm is completely lost on him. Most of the time emotion is removed from the equation, and he gets frustrated and doesn't understand when people make irrational, emotional decisions. He gets very frustrated when things malfunction or someone's mistake effects his day.
He is also very honest, as he sees no point in lying, sugar coating the truth, or exagerrating anything. If he doesn't like you and you try to talk to him, he will tell you that he has no interest in conversing with you. If you complain to him about a problem and you don't have any interest in actually solving your problem, he will tell you that you are stupid and are being a whiner. He readily admits that he is much smarter than almost everyone he knows, and learns much faster than the average individual, because he knows it's true.
He loves his dog more than 95% of people, and he talks to her almost as much as he talks to me. He says he loves her because she's as honest as he is, and their relationship is one of the few pure things in the world. She is excited and jumps up to lick his face when he gets home every day. She gets a hug and cuddles before I do, because when she hears him coming up the steps she races to the door already so excited to see him. All you have to say is, "Daddy's home!" and she goes running to the door ready to give him as many kisses as he'll allow. She's content to just be on his lap while he's playing videogames, and fall asleep in his arms.
The number one rule with Roy; NEVER TOUCH HIS THINGS. EVER. His electronics are his and nobody else's. He absolutely doesn't like them touched by anyone, I can't even move them while I'm cleaning. Even the dogs know to steer clear of daddy's electronics.
Like other Aspies, Roy has sensory issues. He gets headaches easily, and gets unexplained chest pains when there is too much going on. His biggest sensory issue though is his skin. If I rub his neck, it is red for an hour or more where I rubbed it. If he wears shirts with tags his skin will be all red and very painful where the tag was. He has a hard time with a lot of fabrics and collars of shirts. He doesn't like to have anything touching his toes. He doesn't wear shoes unless he is outside, and his socks must be pulled a little on the front so there is some space between the sock and the end of his toes. He also HATES other people touching or looking at his feet. I have only been allowed to touch them a few times. Shaving every day is murder for his poor face. The sensory issue is also with food. He doesn't like pudding and foods with a similar consistancy.
He is afraid of the dark, large groups of people, empty gloves, people touching/taking his electronics, dogs, heights over water, water, throwing up, germs, being in closed spaces, spiders, small bugs (fleas, lice, etc), other people's bodily fluids, not knowing where I am (For example, if I was to be gone when he got home he would completely freak out, as opposed to thinking I went on a walk or something), being yelled at, being dirty....the list goes on.
Being married to an Aspie, our lives are very different and our marriage is very different than most people's. I wouldn't trade it for the world (on most days). :) Roy is honest, and he is real. You know exactly where you stand with him, and he is one of the most caring people I have ever met. He is passionate about so many things, and he is so giving. By loving Roy, I get so much in return. He knows that I am always here. No matter what. He will never be alone, and he will always have someone fighting for him. He knows that he has someone looking out for him and taking care of him. And I know that Roy will back me up no matter what it is. I know he will protect me no matter what. He doesn't say anything bad about me, even when I'm not there. I know that if I was to tell him right now that I just killed somebody, the first thing he would do is go get a shovel.
Things that are not a big deal to other people are huge for us. Being with Roy has reminded me to celebrate life's little miracles, and be thankful for every moment. I see him do something I know is hard for him, and I cheer inside. I am so proud when I see him comfort another person. I fall more in love with him when I watch him spend 30 min resuctating a fish or cuddling the dogs. When I wake up and he's already let the dogs out and done the dishes, it means the world to me.
I love my aspie, and I wouldn't trade him for anyone else's husband. He is so good to me, and he takes such good care of me. Our marriage is honest, real, and we have proven it can withstand anything. There is nothing better than knowing that you have someone that's got your back until the day you die. Roy is going to be an amazing father. He has so much love to give, and so much to teach our children. Any kid would be lucky to have him as a father.
He is my best friend, my parter, my protector, my companion, my caregiver, my soulmate. There is no doubt in my mind that we are meant for each other, and I am so excited to live my life with him.

Eternally blessed,
Rachel

Oh hello, reality.

Roy joined the Air Force only a couple months after we got married. Because he was accepted for such a specialty job, he didn't leave until May, missing my birthday and our first anniversary.
Until now, I haven't considered myself a 'real' military wife; as we have never been through a deployment. We joined the Air Force so that Roy would deploy to a safe place that the Army and Marines laugh at, like Qatar or somewhere in Europe.
Not so much. My husband is going to Afghanistan. He will miss my birthday and our anniversary again, he'll miss Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, and Valentine's Day. He'll have to suffer through both the winter and the summer in the desert.
There are probably going to be long stretches of time that I won't have contact with him, and the internet is so slow that I don't even know if we'll be able to skype at all. So it's email. Just like boot camp, only longer. And it's actually dangerous, not just in a someone-steps-on-his-hand-and-breaks-it dangerous. Like, a there-is-a-high-chance-he'll-get-blown-up dangerous.
We are both trying to be as positive as possible. It's not as long as long as other branches of the military, and he does have a safer job than a lot of people there. What majorly sucks, is that the absolute soonest I'd be able to get pregnant is March of next year. And that sucks. A lot. I started my period today, so I'm obviously not pregnant now; and I'm not going to intentionally get pregnant with a due date I know my husband will be in a war-torn country for with no skype and limited phone calls. Sooooooo.....plans are put on hold. :/
I'm sure I'll be blogging a lot more now that I'll have more time that I need to keep myself distracted. :)
About to enter the Silent Ranks,
Rachel

False hopes....

I haven't updated in awhile, I apologize. Roy and I were feeling very confident after our IUI. I was appropriately miserable as a result of the medications, and we were very hopeful. I was planning for my August babies...Roy would be here for the whole pregnancy and birth; he would deploy when the babies were 3/4 months old, come back when they were 9/10 months old...just in time to help me plan their first birthday...
I woke up on Christmas Eve and still had not started my period. I tested, it was negative. Of course my heart sank, but I quickly told myself that it was too soon to be positive anyway (it really wasn't), and that without a period I was still in the game.
I started packing a few things for Roy and I to have for the overnight stay at my parents' house and I started cramping. I rationalized to myself that cramping is very common in the early weeks of pregnancy, as the uterus is stretching in a way it's not used to. No bleeding yet, so I was still hopeful.
Roy packed the car and loaded up the dogs, and I went to use the bathroom before we left. When I wiped I was devestated, there was blood. I told myself that spotting is common in the early weeks of pregnancy too, and that's probably all it was. Not a big deal. We got to my parents' house about an hour and a half later. I went to the bathroom to check and there was blood. A lot of blood. There was no denying it, we had failed. The IUI didn't work, another month my body had failed me. I wasn't going to have the August babies I had been dreaming about; another month we were going to be 'that couple' that had dogs instead of children. I was heartbroken. Aunt Flo came, and she didn't even have the decency to wait until after the holidays; the heartless hag.
Let me explain something to those of you that don't know. Something that those of you who get pregnant every time your husband looks at you won't ever understand. When a couple has been trying to get pregnant for a very long time, we go through the greiving process just like with any other major loss. See; we are greiving the loss of a dream. A dream that we will get pregnant on accident or surprise. A dream that we will get pregnant without medication or procedures. The dream that our husbands will come home from work and we can say, "Honey!!! We are pregnant!! Can you believe it?? What a surprise!!!" And he would say, "That is so unexpected! I am so excited though, a wonderful surprise!" That will never happen. Roy and I will know the exact day our child(ren) are conceived and their due date before our first OB appointment. We will both anxiously await the appropriate amount of days after ovulation to start taking pregnancy tests (I won't tell him that I've been testing for days already); and we will be dissapointed. We'll both tell each other it's alright, a baby born in 'x' month would be better anyway. A pregnancy during 'x' season would be better anyway... And we'd be lying. We both really want to be pregnant now. It's not okay. I'm not okay with waiting another month, pushing back the due date another month. It's not okay.
So here are the 5 stages of greif for a woman trying to conceive...

1-Denial. The things a woman in denial will tell herself; "It's WAY too soon to test. I would get a negative even if I was pregnant. I need to just wait 48 hours and test again." (she repeats this to herself the next day, after she breaks down and takes another test) "I'm not starting my period, that's just a little bit of spotting. It's nowhere near enough blood to be my period. I've had so many symptoms, I'm definitely pregnant this time!"

2-Anger. "How could this be happening! Our timing was perfect this month!" "How can everyone but me get pregnant! I'm a good person, I'm healthy, I have a good marriage; I deserve this!" She then proceeds to be angry at every pregnant/new mom she sees, shooting daggers out of her eyes and making people uncomfortable (you'd be suprised, people really aren't used to getting glares while holding their newborn baby...)"People get pregnant ON ACCIDENT every day! Why can't I do this on purpose???"

3-Bargaining. "I bet if I drink red raspberry tea and eat pineapple core next month that will do it." "I'll do a headstand next time after sex, the little guys just need a little extra help, that's all!" "Dear God, I will never do 'x' again if I get pregnant, I promise!" The list goes on...

4-Depression. "I'm never going to get pregnant." "It's never going to happen for me, I might as well stop trying." "I can't believe I got my hopes up again, I should know better." Every pregnant woman and baby she sees sparks feelings of depression; may also be accompanied by feelings of inadequacy and hopelessnes.

5-Acceptance. The depression and mourning has tappered off, and we have accepted that yet another month has gone by that we are not pregnant. We tell ourselves that we are okay; that it's another month to get in shape, pay off debt, whatever. We may bounce back and forth between acceptance, depression, and anger alternately.

Moving towards acceptance,
Rachel