Thoughts of mine

I actually have had a lot of anxiety over the last couple of months. IUI has changed from 'a check on the checklist before IVF/Adoption' to 'a very good option that will probably work on the first try this time'. Which, crazy as it sounds; is actually terrifying. All the sudden we could be pregnant very soon. With not as many medical interventions as we thought! This is a very real possibility! All of the sudden us having children in the near future is not just a dream or a wish, it is a very real possibility. And that actually terrifies me. That is a huge responsibility, and the choices we make will affect these miniature people for the rest of their lives. Talk about pressure!

In the last year or so our parenting methods have changed quite a bit as we have actually researched into what is good and bad about popular parenting styles. We have changed our views on a few things, and I'll list them with corresponding backup information so you can also research for yourself. :)

1- We will not circumcise our sons. Beyond the fact that every major medical organization in the world has said there is no benefit to it whatsoever; the idea of cutting my baby's perfectly functioning body part off without his consent makes me ill. Especially when there is no negative repercussions of leaving the decision up to him when he is old enough to make it.

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/pregnancy-childbirth/whether-or-not-circumcise

2- We will use discipline rather than punishment. For example, we will not hit(or spank, whatever you are comfortable with) our children to make them 'behave' or do what we want to do. I have never struck another human being in my life, and I don't plan on starting with my children. The last thing I want my children to learn from me is that they will do what I tell them or I will hit them until they do. We cannot hit other adults, other people's children, or even our animals. If we do that is considered abuse. Yet it is okay to do so to our children? Color me confused.

http://articles.cnn.com/2009-09-16/health/spanking.children.parenting_1_spanked-new-study-author-and-research-scientist?_s=PM:HEALTH

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/06/26/health/main513469.shtml

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/spanking/10-reasons-not-hit-your-child

3-We are going to use child-led weaning, as well as exclusively breastfeed. Which means that there will absolutely be no formula given, even if that means we have to feed them donated breast milk. It also means that the child will decide when they want to wean, if they still want to breastfeed at 3/4 years old so be it.

http://boobiefed.com/benefits-of-extended-breastfeeding/

http://www.parenting.com/article/ask-dr-sears-extended-breastfeeding----handling-the-criticism

4- We plan on giving our children limited vaccines (currently we are only planning on giving them vaccines for diseases that would kill them if they contracted it) and on a delayed schedule.

http://guggiedaly.blogspot.com/

5- We are going to co-sleep. Which means we plan to have our babies sleep right next to our bed in a cosleeper (which is pretty much a crib with one of the sides taken out and the 'open' side facing our bed), and have them sleep in our room either in a crib or toddler bed until they are at least 2 years old. It grossly reduces the risk of SIDS, and I just don't feel comfortable having a newborn baby go from hearing my heartbeat and breathing, and being comforted by my body; to sleeping in another room where if they wake they can't hear, see, or smell me.

http://www.breastfeeding.com/reading_room/co_slepping.html

http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/tami_breazeale.html

6- We are going to baby-wear our children until they are toddlers. It gives them the comfort of being held, while mommy and daddy can be hands-free! Babies being worn in an upright position don't need tummy-time, and they also have been shown to avoid a whole slew of anxiety disorders, including having separation anxiety.

http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/laura_simeon.html

http://babywearinginternational.org/articles.php?article=1

http://www.sleepywrap.com/

7-We more likely than not will home school. When the hubby and I were first married I was expressing to my mother in law my disappointment in the public school system, and the cost of a private school. She matter of factly said, "So just home school." I told her in a nice way that she was out of her mind. ;) Since doing research, I have changed my mind. We will of course take special care to make sure our children are socialized as we believe that is very important; but I don't think we need to sacrifice the quality of their education for it.

http://www.sonlight.com/before-you-start-homeschooling.html

http://www.pahomeschool.com/benefits.html

8-We are going to keep our children in rear-facing car seats for as long as possible, at least until they are 4 or so. And yes, we plan on spending the extra money to get a carseat that accommodates rear-facing toddlers.

http://www.cpsafety.com/articles/StayRearFacing.aspx

9-We will not be using 'Snugli' or "Johnny Jump Up' type products on our child, commonly referred to as 'crotch danglers'. This is where the baby/child dangles by their crotch instead of their knees being at the level of their pelvis. Carrying a child in a crotch dangler causes hip problems; greatly increased chances of scoliosis, bow-legged/knock-kneed as they get older, etc. It is not healthy for their bone structure in any way, shape, or form. Pediatricians and Chiropractors have come out and said these kinds of baby carriers are harmful.

http://www.continuum-concept.org/reading/spinalStress.html

http://themominformed.blogspot.com/2011/08/slings-wraps-carriers-and-crotch.html

10- We plan to give birth to our babies at home.

http://susana-s.hubpages.com/hub/giving-birth-at-home

http://www.firsttimepregnancy.com/243.html

.....in water

http://pregnancy.more4kids.info/113/benefits-of-a-water-birth/

11-In the rare event that something unforeseen happens and we absolutely have to give birth in a hospital, I will be doing so without medication or interventions of any kind.

http://www.naturalbirthandbabycare.com/birth-interventions.html

www.givingbirthnaturally.com/

12-We will not be using the "Cry it Out" method, which involves a baby crying itself to sleep/back to sleep. It has been linked to lower IQ's and higher rates of anxiety disorders and depression. If I, as an adult; were not able to care for myself and depended on my spouse (or anyone, for that matter) to care for my basic needs, and my caregiver left me alone all night long despite my calling for help, there would be serious retribution. People would freak out, police would be called, etc. We are going to respect our babies' needs enough to go to them when they call for us. Even if it is just to be held. I know sometimes I just need to be held. :)

http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/07/05/no-cry-it-out/

http://drbenkim.com/articles-attachment-parenting.html

I think that's about it. The short version? Our methods of planned parenting and birth have changed 100% from when we were first planning to have children. It's amazing what research can do. ;)

When I first was educating myself about all of this my head was almost spinning. Everything I thought I knew about pregnancy; childbirth, prenatal care, postnatal care, breastfeeding, child discipline, and many other things.....were very wrong. There was hard data that proved they were very wrong. Why didn't more people know about this? Why weren't women being truly educated before making a decision about childbirth or breastfeeding? Why wasn't this common knowledge?? I felt such gratitude that I had come across this information before I had children, so that I could do it right the first time rather than have regrets later. I also felt horrible that had I not come across this information, I would have done so many things wrong! (As a sidenote; every parent will do something 'wrong' there is no one perfect way to birth or raise a child, but there most certainly are things that can be avoided, and hopefully the mistakes we make as parents will not be as bad now that we are truly educated and informed)

I started volunteering information whenever the subject came up. An acquaintance of mine expressed frustration her baby was not taking to rice cereal; I explained that unless he was severely underweight, he didn't actually need it, it was just fine to make the transition from breastmilk to babyfood and skip rice cereal altogether. She dismissed me completely.

A friend was expressing frustration that her young child was being overly aggressive. I suggested she stop spanking him and see if that helped. I also explained my sources for my information that spanking increases aggression in children, especially boys. She snapped at me refused to speak to me afterwards.

Another friend was expressing frustration that her baby girl cried all of the time and was always wanting to be held. I explained baby-wearing and how contrary to popular belief, it didn't make babies co-dependent and babies that were worn cried hours less a day that babies who were not. She brushed me off and said I had no idea what I was talking about.

A friend of the hubby's was talking about how she was frustrated with her baby insisting on controlling the mother's sleep schedule, so she was going to just let her cry in her crib until she went to sleep. I explained that the 'Cry It Out' method has been directly linked to lower IQ's and higher rates of anxiety and depression in older children and teenagers; and that the baby doesn't stop crying because they understand the lesson, they stop crying because they give up, they have learned that their mother is not going to come tend to their needs when they communicate the only way they know how. I have never seen someone get so hostile so fast in my life. She exploded on me, saying that until we had a baby I had no business telling a mother anything; and that we weren't getting children because we didn't deserve them. :'(

I could go on, but I'm sure you get the idea. What did all these situations have in common? Every one of these people said I had no idea what I was talking about because I didn't have children. Even after I showed scientific data proved by top Pediatricians and top Child Psychologists. It didn't mean anything. I explained that even if I had 100 children, it wouldn't change the facts. That didn't matter either. If I had a quarter for every time someone told me that research meant nothing, or that I should keep my mouth shut because facts proven by professionals mean nothing when compared to actual experience; I could have purchased myself 10 babies.

I asked them if their pediatrician has children; if their gynecologist and obstetrician was a woman who had birthed children, if their children's teachers/principals/guidance counselors had children. After all, these are all people who tell you what to do; who tell you what your children need and what you need to do for them, right? With their logic, it only makes sense that anyone giving them any worthwhile information must also have personal experience in the matter. Of course that never goes over well either, because that is completely irrelevant apparently. o_O

So, I have stopped sharing information altogether. Before I discuss our birthing/child-rearing plans I fearfully put feelers out to find out if the person I'm talking to agrees with me; then I go in to that discussion. I have found that people are incredibly hostile when fact disagrees with what they are currently doing. It breaks my heart that if I have to adopt children; and never get to birth a live baby, never get to carry a child to term, that I am expected to forever keep my mouth shut. Because of circumstances beyond my control, for the rest of my life there is a chance that I will never 'know what I am talking about'.

Fair? I don't think so, but that's the way the world works I guess. So instead of bringing attention to the correct information, I just sit there silent. I am afraid to speak up, even when I am asked about certain things. I hope with all my might that I will be able to carry a baby to term and raise a happy child. Maybe then people will be willing to listen. Maybe then I will be able to offer up facts and methods that have been proven to work.

I just want to change the world that's all,
Rachel