I got a phone call today that a lot of infertile women dread. I pick up the phone, and after realizing it's a friend I haven't spoken to in years she tells me, "I'm pregnant!!!"
Let me back up a little bit and be brutally honest. Us women that can't have children on our own HATE hearing you are pregnant. So please don't blurt it out like that. In reality; when we hear another woman is pregnant, most of us automatically think, "How dare you!?!?! How dare you get pregnant and be happy when I can't??? How dare you flaunt your fertility in my face? Why would you make a better mother than me?? I am so jealous of you right now!!!" And instead we say, "Congratulations! I am so happy for you!"
So when my friend blurted out she was pregnant the most I could muster was, "Wow! Congratultions. Were you trying?" To that she says, "NO! I'm not really sure who the father is. I haven't really been seeing anyone steady. And all of the times that I've had sex in the last year I've been pretty high, so...y'know..."
Of course I have to mute the phone and yell about what a stupid druggie whore she is and how dare she get knocked up while she was high with some random person and my wonderful husband and I have been eating organic and taking suppliments and medication for over 2 years can't have a baby.
Then she gets to the good part. "I actually called you to see if you had any recommendations for parenting a lot of kids. I remembered that your parents had, like, a million kids." I asked if she planned on having a lot of kids, or if she already had several children. "Well...no. I found out today I'm having triplets! Can you believe it? Everone is so excited for how cute they will be! I went down first thing and registered for all kinds of government assistance. I should have gotten knocked up sooner! They give you all kinds of stuff!" I almost threw up. I was livid and horrified and several other emotions I can't even name right now. I said, "Wow. Are you keeping the babies? Have you thought about adoption? 3 babies is a lot to take care of on your own." To which she replied (this is a real gem), "Of course I'm keeping them! They are MY babies! God gave them to me for a reason, right? He doesn't give you anything you can't handle, it says that somewhere in the bible, right? I mean, why should I give up the babies that were given to me just because some miserable couple can't have any? It's not my job to give other people kids." I quickly ended the conversation and hung up the phone, sobbing.
This is why I hate my life. Why does she get babies and I don't? Why can I not even have just one? Why? I don't understand. My husband and I are good people. We got to church, read our scriptures, say our prayres everyday, we do everything we are supposed to do!
I have put my body through hell to get pregnant. I have taken crazy drugs that made me gain weight, lose my hair, given me a thyroid problem, made me sore, made me sick, given me horrible headaches, killed my sex drive, and made me over-emotional. On top of all of that, it has tested the limits of our marriage, our faith, and our bank account. I literally have nothing else to give. There is nothing I have left to offer to get a baby. There is nothing I wouldn't give to be in some people's shoes. I have already shown I will give up anything to get a baby, why isn't that enough? What else will be asked of me?
I am so done with just having faith that God knows what I need and what is best for me, and just trusting that he will do what is best. I want to know why. Why can't we get pregnant on our own? Why does it take $12,000 and 6 medications a day for us to try to get pregnant? Even then we have a 42% chance. What did we do that was so wrong that being parents was taken away from us? I can't think of anything that would be harder for me to handle, why this? Why? When so many people have it so easy, why?
If my Heavenly Father knows me as well as everyone says he does, he knows how much pain I'm in and he knows how hard this is for me. I am a good person. I have been a good person my whole life. I have endured well. But how long am I supposed to go on like this? I'm not a strong enough person to just accept that it's not in the cards for me, and 'just adopt'. Why can't I stay pregnant? Why can't I deliver healthy, screaming babies and take them home; and get up every 3 hours for midnight/early morning feedings? Why can't I stare at my baby in wonder and try to decide who they look more like? Why can't I have ultrasound pictures up on the fridge, or take maternity pictures? Why can't my husband hold my hand as I bring our child into this world? Why am I being deprived of those things? I want to know, I think I deserve an answer. But I just get to sit here and watch everyone else get pregnant and have healthy babies, with an empty nursery and baby clothes in boxes, and empty arms. How is that fair?
Sorry about my ramblings, it's just a sad day in the Dawson house...
Everyone please listen to this song. It really expresses how I feel better than I can, it's only 4.5 min long.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ
with love,
the bitter, infertile, pregnant woman hater
:-( hugs to you my dear. Been thinking of you a lot the last few days. Thanks for posting links to your blog. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI should have signed... jtb
ReplyDeleteWow. That is a horrible phone call to get. My half sister is going through the same thing as you. She's awesome and so sweet. A couple weeks ago she found out her sister is pregnant. Her sister has had 4 boys and given away each of them. Actually, the last two she dropped off at her parents home. I'm sure you know how she feels. I'm so sorry. I wish there was some way I could help you guys. But we both know that there really isn't. Anyway, if you ever need/want to talk, I'm here...just let me know.
ReplyDeletedoes this girl live around here cause thats just SO not cool... im so sorry someone would say something so insensitive and just plain rude...if you need me im right down the road... ill get some popiscles and i have cheesecake we can sit and pig out on some comfort food :)
ReplyDeleteI Love you sweetheart!! Life is very hard sometimes. I pray for both you and Roy and wish you the best in all you do in your efforts. It's hard to see your children in pain and not be able to fix any of it. But we do pray for you all the time. Just know we love you always!! Hugs and kisses to my baby girl!
ReplyDeleteLove, Your mom <3
Maryann- I do know how that feels. It is so painful to see people throw away or not appreciate something Roy and I want so much, but might never have.
ReplyDeleteAimee- Yeah, she lives in WA somewhere. I'm not sure where though. I've been munching on peanut butter M&M's and carmels. If I'm never going to have a baby I might as well be fat. :/
Mom-thank you! Roy and I are very hopeful that something good will happen for us soon. :) I love you too!
Dear Princess,
ReplyDeleteI really wish there was something I could say to make you guys feel better. But I am sure you have heard all the platitudes so I will just DITTO them and say we love you and will always be hoping for the best for you and yours and weather your own or if you do adopt I have no doubt you will be great parents someday,somehow...Hang in there
Hi Rachel, you dont know me, but a good friend told me about your blog and thought i might be able to say a few words. first of all, oh yes, i know those feelings and cannot explain to others how painful the nights of crying were when i cried and poured out my heart and soul to the Lord in prayer for a baby. in the dark of course because i did not want to wake up my husband. It is a pain and ache that comes from somewhere inside and makes everything hurt. i do not know how long you have been trying, but i can sympathize with the shots, hormones, strain on the marriage, expenses of fertility treatments, loss of hair, not to mention it all feels so sterile and intrusive. sex life is a mess for years it only brings on huge expectations and pressure. I will share some of my thoughts and tell me to shut up if you want, but maybe they can help.
ReplyDeleteI really felt a sadness in the pit of my stomach when someone would tell me they were pregnant. it was hard for them too because they knew what we were going through and so many people were scared to tell me. but truthfully, i WAS happy for them if they were good parents who would take care of the baby, because that is the same thing that i wanted right? but the painful part was my two little brothers getting their girlfriends pregnant. one of the girlfriends had a child already and after my brother had several children with different fathers and some did not know who the father was. in fact, I talked to her about adoption when she was pregnant once and she cried, yelled at me and screamed at me that she turned out all right so why should i be talking to her about adoption? on her next pregnancy she did place her baby for adoption. this was so painful for me because others thought i was after their baby when actually i was just trying to direct them in a good path. It was especially hard for me when i was a young women leader and counseling with young women who got pregnant and could not see anything but the chance to keep their boyfriend. It was so hard when all i could think of was how much i had prepared for this all my life and why was it so difficult for me? I got my degree in child development, worked in orphanages around the world, was a nanny twice while going to college, and had taken in my own nieces and nephews when their parents could not care for them. It seemed terribly unfair. The answer to your question when you ask if that really seems fair, is NO. It is not fair. and you will not have all the answers right now, or ever understand some of the things you are going through. we went through the adoption services for the LDS church and were "waiting" and we did foster care for several years while "waiting". one thing for me was that although i really wanted the pregnancy experience and nursing etc. i knew that a lot of what you mentioned could happen through adoption. My husband and his two siblings were adopted at birth because his mother could not have children. i had wanted to adopt every child i took care of in other countries, so i was not opposed to adoption. i do have an amazing sister in law who did place her baby when she was 17 and the joy that has come to all of their lives through that unselfish decision.
ReplyDeleteI should also tell you that i did eventually end up getting pregnant twice. many years apart. I did not "know" that child in any special way while i was pregnant, in fact it was more like a tumor growing inside me. I was sick the whole time. when i say sick, i mean, hyperemesis, hospitalized, constant IV's and feeding tube. If i could skip the pregnancy and post partum anxiety/depression i would in a heart beat now! Really, it did not end up being so "magical" for me! That is why we pursued adoption/foster care after my two, I am physically unable to carry another child. that was also hard to deal with. I would try to open your heart to the possiblity that it may take a long time, it also may take adoption. i have soooo many friends who have adopted and truly when that baby is placed in your arms, you bond and love whether it came out of your body or an unselfish woman's. i agree with you that the whole welfare/gimme gimme/i'm entitled and it is MY baby is really sickening to deal with. It stems from a person who is so self absorbed and immature that you already know that they have no idea how to parent or sacrifice for that child. you also know that is how so many children end up in foster care, economic situations they cannot climb out of and exposed to so many raw facets of life. It is a sad circle. You may really not want to hear what i am thinking of sharing, but towards the end of my struggle i came upon a thought, based on a scripture that really helped me see some reason in all of this. remember this is personal interpretation. I came to wonder if there were so many people abandoning the responsibilites of parenthood that there are so many others who are left to clean up the mess and parent for them. When you feel like it, read 3Nephi 22:1 if you dont know that scripture it is in the Book of Mormon. ask me and i'd be happy to direct you to it. most of all, each person is different. there are awful days, good days, ok days, days of understanding, days of total anger and guilt at being angry, days of withdrawal, and days of acceptance. they all come and go, i cannot tell you how the story ends, but i can tell you that others have been there and there is a way to find that joy, it is just very elusive at first, and each finds it in different ways. I hope and pray that you find it. You must be a truly great person, because this is a truly great trial to go through and really, that does not sound reassuring very often, but it is a trial i would not wish on anyone else. i really feel for you. christe mcghie, friend of brenda hoyt.
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ReplyDeleteChriste, thank you for your posts. I appreciate your words from someone that has been there before. It truly is a rollercoaster, and at times is difficult to know if we'll get through it. I tell my husband weekly that we'll just resort to baby snatching. :)
ReplyDeleteI will go read the scripture you mentioned. Thanks again.
There is really not much I can say...you have heard it all. All I can say is eat all you want and enjoy it now before you become diabetic LOL. No really I am sorry that you were hurt so deeply by a person whom has no idea what they are being given. You will sooner or later know your reason and purpose to all of this...but until you do just have to endure...I know it sucks and you know this already. But again we have a lot to talk about when I get home later this week. Try to keep your head up...well don't swallow the water just stay above the water line. LOL love ya
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