Things you should never say to a woman trying to conceive....

So these are things you shouldn't say to a woman while she's trying to get pregnant. I'm going to post under them what Roy and I usually say back to them.

Just relax! Don't think about it, and it will happen.
Yes, if you are under extreme amounts of stress it will throw off your ovulation, and even delay/stop your period. But can you relax on command? When you are obsessed with getting something it seems you will never have, do you automatically relax when strangers tell you to? Hrm? I DIDN'T THINK SO!!!! But you are probably right. If I just relax my uterus will magically unfold, and I will be able to carry a baby to term, and we will magically figure out what the heck is wrong with us and be able to have a baby. Why didn't anyone tell us to just relax before??

Maybe you're doing it wrong.
This one is mostly said in jest, and has been one of the most hurtful. When people say this I usually look at Roy and say, "Well, we are trying right now!" (motioning at us holding hands). "My daddy said that holding hands with boys makes you pregnant. I don't understand why it's not happening....we hold hands whenever we are together, and it's not working!!!
 OR
We know how it's done, stupid. But thanks. Would you like me to explain in detail how we do it so maybe you can critique us and give us some pointers? Maybe some pictures, too? No? Oh...that was a little personal, huh? Sorry, your rude comment totally threw me off..
Roy usually asks the person to explain to him in detail how THEY do it, so maybe we can try that. We have had people tell us to just get really drunk, that's how all of their kids were conceived! (don't think I haven't thought about it).

Everything happens for a reason.
Really? So what is the reason we can't have children? Can you tell me? If you got fired should you not go out and look for another job? I mean, there must be a reason as to why you don't have a job anymore, right? What is the reason there are 1.27 million abortions performed in the US every year and we can't have ONE baby. Would you mind explaining that to me? And people that get cancer, what is the reason for that? Would you tell them that everything happens for a reason? No, that would be rude and tactless. How about I punch you in the face? And I'll give you the reason why as well, take out some of the guesswork for ya. Idiot.

There are worse things that could happen.
Yeah. I tell myself that every month when I see that lonely one line. And every time the doctor tells me my HCG levels are dropping drastically and the pregnancy is no longer viable. I tell myself at least I have an amazing husband who loves and supports me. I tell myself that I have a good life, and that if we have to adopt I can live with that. I tell myself that I have plenty of things to be happy about. Then I cry and stuff my face with chocolate. And cry some more. I try not to focus on the fact that EVERYONE around me is having babies/pregnant. I try not to focus on the fact that if my husband had married someone else he could have all the babies he wanted by now. I try not to focus on the fact that every month I am not pregnant I get more and more bitter and less hopeful. But thanks.

At least you are having fun trying!
Yeah....no. How about you pee on a stick, take your temperature, touch your cervix, and study your cervical mucus to help you decide if it's time to have sex or not. Then tell me it's fun. Have sex every other day or so, and then every day around ovulation time (depending on sperm count) and tell me it's fun. Yeah, the first 6 months or so were awesome! Now? Not so much. Scheduled sex gets old real fast. Real romantic.

My kids are driving me crazy!! Why don't you take them??
I want to be a parent, not a babysitter. I don't want to take your children who have grown up with parenting we don't agree with. I don't want your preteens and teenagers. Offer me your baby, we've got something to talk about. People look honestly surprised when I tell them, "I don't want your children." If Roy is in a particularly bad mood he will tell you, "We are infertile, but we still have standards." <- did I marry an awesome guy or what?

You're so lucky you get to sleep in/travel/stay out late!
Actually, I am very much looking forward to my life being turned upside down by a little person we have wanted desperately for years, thankyouverymuch. I would never leave my house ever again if that meant I could have children. I don't need the outside world. I don't need to travel. Having children changes you, and we are looking forward to that. I feel a lot of things right now. Lucky is not one of them.

You only look that good because you haven't had kids yet.
I have given birth, actually. Usually responded by, "Oh, I thought you didn't have children." "We don't. Roy and I have no living children. That doesn't mean that I haven't carried a pregnancy long enough to have to give birth to a baby I didn't get to take home." People are usually really embarrassed right about then. They stumble all over themselves apologizing and telling me that it will happen someday. Yeah, thanks a lot.

It's simple, just adopt!
Anyone who knows anything about adoption would NEVER call anything about it simple. Adoption feels very much like starting all over again. There is all the doctor visits, the paperwork, the waiting, the anxiety, the worry, the insane costs...
Depending on how well we know the person we will say that we actually have tried adoption, and after finally getting picked we sent our birth mother a LOT of money to support her, only for her to back out right before she was supposed to come here to have the baby. So she got a lot of money AND a baby. And she didn't have to give any of it back because it was a 'gift'. People wait years for adoption to go through, and it actually costs more than fertility treatments unless you know someone looking to put their baby up for adoption.

I think you should (insert unsolicited advice here).
There have been a lot of suggestions. Getting drunk; stop trying, taking supplements, start exercising, stop exercising, go to this or that doctor, have sex in the car, or even "did you know that there are only a couple of days that you are fertile? It's right in the middle of your cycle and you should have sex a lot then. You'll get pregnant in no time!" Sure. Thanks. (eye roll) I know more about your reproductive system than you do, and my doctor knows more about fertility than you ever will, so I think I'm in good hands. Thanks.

My husband looks at me funny and I get pregnant!
I usually just say, "That's not actually how it's done. You should get that looked at." I realize you are just trying to make conversation, but please don't throw your fertility in my face. Or as we've been told before, "Man, we can't stop getting pregnant! It's my armor piercing sperm." (said with puffed up chest). Thanks for trying to emasculate my husband, but his sperm is not our problem. It's my uterus. I still hate you.

Why do you even want to have children when there are so many kids in need of homes?
There are kids in the foster system, yes. But they are available for fostering. Not adoption. We would have them for a couple of months before they went back to their families; and the overpopulation in third world countries does not influence my decision to have children.Why don't YOU do your part? How many children have you adopted/fostered? None? Oh. Huh...

In non-fertility news, I don't understand why my dogs like to eat poop! We give them the anti-stool eating medicine and that helps. But other dogs poop in our yard and they eat it! Ugh!! There aren't many things worse than your puppy coming up and happily licking your face before you realize their breath reeks of feces. Yup. It's awesome. So if anyone has any suggestions let me know!